Kink 101

The Top Five Things Every Kinky Beginner Should do Before Jumping In (Flogger First)

Published: OCTOBER 18, 2022 | Updated: JULY 8, 2024
BDSM is an exciting journey. The key to making it a safe and fulfilling one is to take things one step at a time.

Exploring the kink community as a kinky beginner is like going to an amusement park for the first time as a kid. There's so much to try, you want to try it all right now, and you're so excited that you just can't hide it. At the same time, it's all completely overwhelming. There's so much to try and you can't quite decide how to try it all, but the excitement is sending you into a frenzy of activity!


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In the kink community, there's actually a term for this: sub frenzy and dom frenzy. The heightened state you experience when you first start experimenting with kink is so intoxicating, it can actually impact your decision making. That's why it's essential to go into your first kinky experience with enough knowledge to keep a clear head, which will help you make grounded, safety-focused decisions about the kinky things you're going to do.

Read More: 10 BDSM Myths You Probably Believe - Busted!

I know, I know: sounds like a bummer, right? But I promise: taking a safety-first approach to being a kinky beginner doesn't impact your enjoyment. In fact, it will enhance it! Knowing how to properly warm up physically for an impact play scene lets the body better make its neurochemicals, which can make everything feel better! Knowing how to properly tie rope bondage ties reduces the likelihood of skin pinching and rope burns so you can relax into the rope and stay present in the scene. And most importantly, knowing how to take care of yourself and your play partner – physically, mentally, and emotionally – will ensure that everyone has an amazing time, rooted in pleasure and mutual consent.

So, let's dig into the top five things you must do before jumping into kink with your flogger already swinging.


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People first, kinky play second

Whether you choose to explore the kink community online or in-person, your journey into kink starts with meeting other kinky people. The kink community is amazing. Not only is it full of people who understand what you're into, but it's also full of people who you can talk to without worrying about being judged. Kink communities are also packed full of knowledge: knowledge you can, and should, fully absorb to enjoy kink safely.

And trust us, there will be a lot of knowledge for you to absorb before you actually get to the kinky stuff. You might assume that every kink gathering is basically an orgy, but that's not the case at all. Unless you're headed to an orgy, of course. But we suggest exploring the more vanilla side of kinky spaces before heading to your first orgy.

Most kinky people go to kink spaces to have open, honest, and occasionally-educational discussions about the intricacies of their kinks and how to do them better. Most people aren't in kink spaces to find masturbation fodder or to find a kink partner at this very second. Unless you're at a dating event.


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You should definitely know what kind of event you're headed to before you get there, and read the room for signals about appropriate and inappropriate behavior. If you're neurodiverse and reading the room is borderline impossible for you, no worries! Take a friend who can help you decode the unspoken rules in the room.

Read More: Everything You Need to Know About Attending Your First BDSM Munch

If you head to your first kink event in an ultra-excited state, you might need to tamp down on some of your excitement, especially if that excitement comes from arousal. Go into any kink space with a focus on respect and keep your "horny" under control.

If you find you just can't focus because you're too worked up, consider taking a break, or try to ask yourself factual questions about the situation to keep your brain on-task, like:


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  • What safety concerns would someone have about engaging in this kink?
  • Can I spot which people are in power exchange relationships? What behaviors tip me off to that?
  • What is the coolest thing I've heard about or learned today?

Taking a people first, kink-second approach to all of your interactions is how you'll get invited back to kinky educational spaces. And it's how you'll get invited to play parties down the line.

Don't meet up with someone immediately

The internet now provides access to thousands of potential partners without having to leave your house. This is absolutely amazing for breaking into the kink community, but it can also be pretty darn dangerous.

The internet is full of people who, whether intentionally or accidentally, don't know what they're doing. Though many people do take the time to learn about kinky play before actually engaging in it, there are just as many people who don't engage with any education before they play. And if we're being honest, the unfortunate truth is that there are even people who intentionally seek out partners in the midst of sub frenzy or dom frenzy. The difficulty making good decisions mixed with the lack of experience to know better makes newbies to the kink community great targets for people with bad intentions.


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That's why we recommend waiting at least week between when you think about meeting up with someone and when you actually meet them. As exciting as it is to meet up with someone new for a casual encounter, vetting people in the kink community is even more important than vetting a Tinder hookup. Most importantly, pumping the brakes gives your potential partner a bit of time to show their "true colors." If they refuse to wait a week or bad, abusive behavior starts to come out because you set a boundary for yourself, you can back out before putting yourself in a bad situation.

Don't get me wrong: I know that week is going to be hard! But any partner worth playing with will happily give you the space and time.

Research anything you don't know

Simply put: you can't know what you don't know. Surprising, right?


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So, you've got some research to do. Whenever you come across something you don't know, look it up! Our sex dictionary is a great way to search up definitions of words you've never seen before, and we have some awesome how-to and safety-focused articles. But feel free to hit the search engines as well.

And look up everything: even things you're not into! Don't really care about feet? Well, bastinado practices and safety info can have a direct cross-over into the impact play you do enjoy. Never want to do rope suspension? That's fine! The precision and accuracy of the ropework necessary for suspension will automatically make all your ropework safer and prettier on the ground too.

And even if you don't end up finding a direct link between your kinks and the kink you're researching, you still benefit in learning more about kink in general. However, take all your research with a grain of salt until you've collected info from multiple sources. While there are a few accredited degrees for sexuality, there are no official education tracks for kink-focused education. You can't pay a university exorbitant amounts of money to take a "Flogger 101" course. You can pay your local experienced kinkster (online or in-person) for such a class, but their "expert" status is based off their years of experience doing the kink - and their reputation in the community, not a degree. Some of the "advice" you may find might actually just be plain wrong or totally unsafe. With the ease of forum posting, website creation, and social media, it's easy for anyone to spout anything they want.

The point is: there's a lot of amazing kink information and resources out there thanks to the internet, but that same system means there's also more misinformation out there too. Make sure to collect from multiple sources, and remember your local, experienced kink community is your best resource!

Stick with the simplest options to start

The internet has also made it easier than ever to discover and explore new kinks. As with anything internet-related, this is a double edged sword. While the internet allows you to discover new kinks you might be into, it also lets you discover kinks way above your experience level that aren't safe for any beginner to try. And sexual content on the internet isn't great about providing warnings or information about all of the safety precautions that went into making a kinky scene happen.

On top of that, the internet also provides access to all kinds of kinky toys, some of which you have no business using until you've been properly educated on how to use them safely. But, of course, no one's there to stop you from buying those toys.

So, it's important to moderate yourself, and stick to the basics until an experienced play partner says you're ready to try something more advanced. The basics give you the foundational skills you need to consider moving onto more dangerous toys.

Love the look of a 6 foot whip? Consider trying a paddle, mini-flogger, or a small riding crop. You still get the delicious "torment" of an impact scene, but without the risk of permanent injury.

Want to replicate a stunning bondage scene you found? Master your single column and double column ties first. Remember: those beautiful rope scenes you see come from experience riggers and rope bottoms with years (sometimes decades!) of experience. If you're more into the restraint aspect than the slow art of knot-tying, you can try soft wrist or ankle cuffs.

Dying to try out a forced orgasm scene with a gigantic saddle vibrator? Replicate a lot of those same feelings at home with a powerful wand massager. Not only does this allow you to easily move the vibrator on and off, but it's also much easier to stop if something comes up.

If you're just looking to experiment with a vibrator before diving into toys with some major horsepower, try a bullet vibe or vibrating cock ring like the Satisfyer Signet Ring, which is designed to provide vibes for both the penis and the clit to help get your bits used to those good vibrations.

Learn how to play safe first

It's not enough to simply pick up a "My Very First Kink Kit" from the Kinkly Shop and go to town. You actually have to know how to use the kinky toys you're playing with, even if you're going to be the one receiving. Understanding the proper usage will keep you safe because you'll be able to spot when something isn't right.

Even for basic toys, it's important to consider all the safety aspects before you play. Like did you know that your arms shouldn't be retrained overhead for extended lengths of time even if you are using cute and cozy faux fur-covered cuffs? If you didn't, you need to do some more reading before you play with restraints.

Luckily, a lot of the basic implements and toys have similar designs, which means you can swap and have a good idea what's going on. For example, if you already know how to use a paddle, you can swap it out for another one without needing to entirely relearn what you're doing.

That being said, different toys may behave and feel differently. It's important to follow the number one tenant of kink play: start slow. This allows everyone to get a feel for the activity before jumping in headfirst.

Being a kinky beginner is both exciting and overwhelming, but if you put in the work beforehand, your first experiences in the community will be amazing. Take the time to learn, always ask questions, and rely on your community. Now, go have fun!

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Kinkly Staff

Sex is a bit like a secret society; everyone's doing it, it's just that no one talks about it. Kinkly's mission is to start that conversation, answer your questions and help you discover new and exciting things about sex, love and your body. We guarantee it'll be illuminating, enlightening, fun ... and a little kinky. And that's OK with us.No innuendos, no judgments and no apologies, just fearless, straight-up talk about sex.

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