The Shapes of Non-Monogamy: 4 Types of Polyamory

Can love have a perfect form? Is there some kind of platonic ideal of affection that should be the standard of sex and relationships? If you’re monogamous, especially when it has its foundations in culture or religion, that answer is pretty often concrete and unshakeable.

But what if you are part of the group that embraces the idea of having intimate/sexual relationships with more than one person at a time?

Ethically non-monogamous (ENM) relationship dynamics -- which can include, but are not limited to, polyamory, swinging and open relationships -- are and have been the norm across various cultures and time periods. This is important to note: Often, monogamy is touted like it is the standard for relationships across the globe and through all of human history -- when, in fact, it is not. Those practicing, or experimenting with, poly/ENM dynamics today can can learn and take inspiration from cultures and time periods where these types of relationships have been the norm.

READ: Ethical Non Monogamy and Trust: How to Make it Work.

Engaging with multiple sexual partners at the same time is normal -- but that doesn't mean it's always easy. When things get tricky -- and it will always be tricky at some point -- with polyamory, it can be easy to think that somehow you, or the people you are involved with, messed up. That it should be this way or that way, and then things will be all hunky and/or dory.

The fact is, just as there really isn’t a perfect form for anything, there never is (or could be) an ideal shape for a non-monogamous relationship. That’s not a bad thing. Far from it. In fact, that’s what is often so beautiful about being poly: It’s up to those involved to give it life and, most of all, happiness. The answer is, to put it really simply, "whatever works."

That said, it can be reassuring to learn of a few unique and fascinating forms non-monogamy can take. Do any of these relationship styles get your creative relationship juices flowing?

Maybe you’ll be inspired to try one, or all, of them yourself with your partners. If they work, then fantastic. If not, there’s a universe of possibilities yet to explore.

Read: Your Top 10 Questions About Polyamory - Answered

Communication for Non-Monogamous Relationships

Before we get to our list, let’s talk about communication.

READ: The Shy Person’s Guide to Talking About Sex.

You’ve probably heard about this more than a few times, but it’s always worth repeating. With non-monogamy, being open and honest with your feelings with those you are involved with can be crucial to maintaining any relationship -- especially when it involves more than one relationship.

This also means listening, as well as talking, to everyone involved. A one-way line of communication is not really communication: It’s talking at and not with someone (or someones). It’s also extremely important to communicate with yourself. Being poly can take a lot of self-discovery and growth and avoiding your issues or, worse, taking them out on your partners is an all-but-guaranteed way to shatter the trust that is so essential to being polyamorous.

So talk, listen, learn about yourself and (tying this all up with a neat little bow) be prepared to step back, to take a break and to embrace change.

Now, let's dive into four types of polyamory:

1. Relationship Anarchy

Not so much a style or a shape, but its own unique species, relationship anarchy can best be described as love free of concrete definition.

Someone who is a relationship anarchist might look at their connections to other people not by labels like "primary," "secondary," "partner," or even "friend" -- but by seeing them as their own unique flavor of love or sex.

Where other people might look at their poly relationships like a web, a relationship anarchist may not see a structure but rather a shifting and changing galaxy of people. Some coming, some going, and some getting more or less intimate as time goes on.