Submissive Dating: How to Attract a Domme

by Kinkly
Published: SEPTEMBER 9, 2016 | Updated: FEBRUARY 15, 2022
Finding a good match in the vanilla world is hard; finding it on the kinky side can be even harder.

It takes a lot of hard work to find and attract a suitable partner. The dating world can often feel like an endless quest. Finding a good vanilla woman is difficult, but it's nothing compared to trying to find a Domme. But here's the thing: The world of dating dominant women is a seller's market. Dominant women are in high demand. If you want to be an eligible submissive, you had better do your homework.


Don't Make Too Many Assumptions

Submissives make a lot of mistakes when trying to find a Domme. The biggest is having a narrative in their head of what a dominant woman should be. Don’t assume someone is not cut out to be your Domme based on their appearance or career choices. You might be surprised to find out that the girl next door is the dominant woman you have been waiting for all along. There are huge stereotypes about who a dominant woman should be: a business woman, assertive in all areas of life; someone who wears leather boots and a corset every day. If you are looking for the dominatrix on CSI, you are going to find yourself very disappointed. The truth is that dominant women come in many different forms. A dominant woman could be a construction worker, a florist, a dentist, or even a stay-at-home mom. Her everyday attire is most likely going to reflect her career. Sorry, guys. Corsets are fun, but no one is going to wear them every single day. (Read: A Day in the Life of a Professional Dominatrix.)

Many women who would enjoy being the dominant in the relationship or in the bedroom are reluctant to express it because of a lack of experience. If you are dating a vanilla woman or someone new to kink and are not sure if they are interested in dominating you, the only way to find out is to ask. If you are nervous about asking directly you can always bring up your fetishes or kinks to try to get the conversation rolling. If you see that she has a lot Top/Domme preferences, this can open up the discussion for you to talk about the possibility of her dominating you. (For more ideas, read How to Ask Your Partner to Be Your Dominant.)

Looking for a Domme Online

Trying to find a Domme in the vanilla world is problematic and offers very few benefits. There is a larger pool of vanilla women, but just because there is quantity doesn’t mean there is quality. Those who don’t have any kink experience are not going to know what they want or if a power exchange relationship is right for them. For this reason, I recommend looking for a woman who already has a clear idea of what power exchange is and what her kinks and fetishes are.


So, where do you find an experienced and available Domme? There are basically two places to look: online and in real life.

Many vanilla dating sites have a way to filter for kinky people. This is not necessarily the best or easiest way to find someone, but it does sometimes work.

You can always try to find a Domme on FetLife, but keep in mind that Fetlife is NOT a dating site. It is a social networking site. Kinksters see Fetlife as a Facebook where they can talk to fellow kinky friends and post pictures that are too pervy for Facebook. A better way to use Fetlife is as a way to find groups and munches in your local area. There are some groups on FetLife that are made for people to post personal ads, but with the oodles of ads posted daily, you most likely are not going to get any results. If you decide you would like to send a personal message to a Domme on Fetlife, don’t do it right away. Dominant women get up to a hundred form messages a week on Fetlife from submissives (usually men) asking them to be their Domme. Before sending a potential Domme anything, read her profile. Find out what she is looking for and don’t bug her if her profile says she is not looking.


Regardless of whether you’re on a dating site or a kink site when you are sending a Domme a message, make sure your message reflects that you have read her profile. Sending something that says “Your pictures are hot I would love for you to be my Mistress,” isn’t going to get her attention and will probably get you blocked.

Finding a Domme Offline

You may get lucky and find an experienced Domme online, but you have a greater chance of success meeting one in person. Going out to BDSM munches and local events and getting involved with your local community is the best way to look for a potential Domme. Being involved in the community also has the benefit of allowing you to vet a potential Domme. If she is involved in your local BDSM community, others will be able to give you a good idea if she is experienced and if she is a safe player.

Know What You Want and Need

So maybe you were able to find a Domme you’re interested in. There are still some things you need to know before approaching her. First, you need to know what you want and need from the dynamic. Are you looking for a casual relationship, a full-time partner, or something in-between? When it comes to power dynamics, are you looking for something just in the bedroom, something on the weekends, or a 24/7 arrangement? It’s important to define what it is you are looking for so that there are no unstated expectations that can lead to disappointments later. You should also know and be able to articulate your sexual limits and needs.


Know What You Have to Offer

As well as knowing what you want, you should be able to clearly explain what you are offering. A potential Domme should be getting just as much enjoyment out of whatever arrangement the two of you create as you do. Figure out what you are willing to bring to the relationship. Although a relationship does not need to be equal, you do need to make sure everyone is getting their needs met. If you are seeking out someone as a kink-fulfillment machine you might be better off looking for a paid Dominatrix instead of a partner.

Get to Know Her

Once you know what you want and what you have to offer, it will be easier to approach a Domme. At this point, it is vital to find out what she is looking for and who she is as a person. With any new relationship, you want to take time to get to know the person. If you don't, you will regret it. A big mistake eager submissives make is asking someone to dominate them the first time they meet. This is a big no-no! You want to demonstrate to a Domme that you are being intelligent and selective about who you give control to or you will just look desperate and possibly end up in a dangerous situation. Jumping into a power dynamic without getting to know someone can lead to disappointing or unsafe relationships.

Learn How to Be a Good Submissive

Once you find a Domme and have started to move toward a power dynamic, be a good submissive without being a doormat. As a submissive, it is important to be able to to make hard choices for yourself. A Domme is looking for a power dynamic, not someone she has to baby-sit or micromanage. A good Domme wants someone who can take care of themselves. You should have your own friends, hobbies, goals and future plans. You should be capable of being a functional adult without their guidance. There is nothing more unattractive than a partner that acts like a robot. A dominant woman is looking for someone to submit to her. If you are weak and unable to be self-sufficient, you're are not looking to submit, you are looking for a crutch.


Contribute to the Relationship

There’s a difference between topping from the bottom and contributing to the relationship. A Domme will need you to honestly communicate your thoughts and ideas. The easiest way to show that you are respecting the power dynamic while still contributing is to give several suggestions (not demands!) and then let your Domme make the decision. For example, come up with ideas for three places you two could go eat but then let her make the decision as to where you go. Let her make the decisions that are allowed within your limits. These might be things such as places to go, sex positions, or even what clothing you are wearing on a date. Your limits should have been voiced early on so that both of you are on the same page. Remember, you always have the ability to say “No.” (Get more tips in Helpful Suggestions for Setting Your Sexual Limits.)

Dommes Are Human Too

Last but not least, remember that your Domme is a human too. Submissives often start to unrealistically idolize their Dommes. They expect a dominatrix-style relationship 24/7 without any room for life, flaws, or emotion. This is discouraging for your Domme and will be frustrating for you. Even the best Domme is still going to have vanilla life moments.That means responsibilities, bad days, and sometimes not having all the answers. She will need you to respect her “human” side and realize that she is not just there for your amusement.

Being able to successfully find a Domme may requires some patience, but by being yourself and being clear on what you have to offer and what you are looking for, you can find and attract the right dominant woman for you. Remember: always show respect for any potential partner, and for yourself as well.



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