“It seems like squirting is a double-edged sword in some ways, because some women are super embarrassed by it,” says Jenny Block, author of "The Ultimate Guide to Solo Sex." “Those are usually the women who happen to do it all the time and they don't even know how or why and then they're worried about ruining the bed linens and all that.” Block tells these women that there’s nothing to be ashamed and to use those blue hospital pads if need be. Just like some people don’t orgasm, some women don’t squirt. “It is what it is.”
Block wants to emphasize that squirting is not a party trick and women are not party trick providers. “We're not the clown at the birthday party and when you're asking a woman to squirt, you might as well be asking her to squirt M&M's out of her pussy.”
Read: Pop Your Cork: The Ultimate Guide to Squirting Orgasms
Either it happens or it doesn’t. “I'll tell you, under controlled circumstances I've tried to ‘make it happen’ and when I try to ‘make it happen’ it doesn't,” says Block. “So, I don't know if that's because I'm too nervous or stressed out or too focused on it. The couple times it has happened, it's been a complete and total shock.”
If you can’t squirt, Block says don’t worry about it. “I know men like a sign,” she says. “It's pretty obvious when men have come and women don't necessarily have that. So, if this is about an outward sign, we need to let that go, because it's not even about having an orgasm. You can squirt and still not come. And you can ejaculate, which is different from squirting, and even that isn't coming.”
Read: 6 Good Reasons to Believe That Squirting Is a Real Thing
As soon as we take "I made her do that” out of the equation, we can solve a lot of problems, says Block. “If that's what you're looking for, then find out what her thing is when she comes and be happy when that happens,” she suggests. She reminds partners that they’re simply there to participate, to play a supporting role. “She's the only one who can orgasm and she doesn't need you. She can want you, but she doesn't need you. And you can't make her orgasm – you can only be part of the facilitation of it.”
Block believes the connection between self-validation and squirting comes down to male ego – and that should have nothing to do with female sexuality. “If it's about pleasure, find out what pleasure actually means to her. Not what you think it means, but what it actually means to her.”
The bottom line: squirting and not squirting are both normal. So let's all just chill out about it, OK?