So, You Think You're Too Old for Sex?

There are so many misconceptions about sex and aging. Popular culture throws it in our face on a daily basis.

Getting old is a bad thing.

We are past our prime.

The problem comes when we start believing the myths and view ourselves as undesirable. What we don’t realize is that we have incorporated, subconsciously, some of those beliefs. And they hold us back.

We worry about being of little value. We worry about how we appear to our partners. We worry about our beauty, and our desirability. More specifically:

• Women may worry about being seen as desirable by men and by society.
• Men worry about the reliability of their erections.
• Women worry that menopausal changes will lead to uncomfortable or painful sex, during penetration.
• We all worry that our soft, aging bodies will be perceived as unattractive and undesirable.
• We worry that aches and pains, arthritic knees and possible health issues mean we can’t enjoy sex.

These Myths Makes Us Want to Avoid Sex

When we buy into those myths and fears we begin to fear or avoid sex. If you’re newly single, whether from divorce or the death of a spouse, dating and intimacy feel intimidating. And once a person stops having sex, it becomes challenging to find your way back to sexual desire and pleasure.

In a conversation with a recent widower, he shared with me that after several years of no sexual activity while caregiving for his spouse, he wasn’t sure how or if he could regain his sexual desire. It’s a common worry for anyone coming back to the sexual arena after years without intimacy. The issues related to caregiving, the loss of a loved one, a lessening of desire, and the effects of aging all combine to create enormous mental and physical roadblocks.

The physical challenges to being sexual again can be small inconveniences or significant obstacles. Fortunately, there are practical workarounds and adaptations you can adopt to help with the physical issues. Even so, fears and self-negating beliefs will make it harder to approach sex again.

When I talk to groups about sex after age 50, I encourage folks to expand their definitions of pleasure, to think beyond the traditional penis-in-vagina (penetrative) sex. When we start to focus on pleasure rather than goal-oriented, performance-based sex we discover a wide range of ways to feel pleasure in our bodies - and with a partner.

Read: Casual Sex? At Our Age?

How to Reignite Sexual Desire

Here are a few idea you can use to reignite sexual desire:

Develop a Self-Pleasuring Practice

"Self pleasuring" is a term I prefer over "masturbation." Explore your body’s capacity for pleasure. Begin to caress and engage with your body. You can look at what has changed, due to absence or aging, and figure out what you want now. Aside from reacquainting yourself with your body again, self-pleasure provides useful information to share with a partner when you’re ready.

Masturbating, or self-pleasuring, helps you learn how your body responds to pleasure. Our wants and needs change over the years, just as our reactions and responses do. It is the same with desire - our ability to orgasm or feel pleasure may be different.