Smoldering Logs & Stuffed Stockings: 10 Sexy Holiday Tunes

I don’t know about you but I love this time of year! The parties, the decorations, the food, I love it all. Also, though, the dirty joke possibilities are endless. There are logs everywhere, stockings constantly being hung or stuffed (or both!), and don't even get me started on the balls! And the music, oh the music! This doesn’t get said enough: there is some terrific sexy Christmas music! Now, I appreciate that recent history has given us some delightfully dirty holiday ditties - if you haven’t heard John Legend’s Nutmeg, you’re missing out - but I’m a classics girl so I’ve gone through my collection and picked 10 of my favorite sexy yuletide tunes that all come from a time long before JT even thought to cut a hole in a box. These songs run the gamut from subtly suggestive to downright dirty, so get ready to deck those halls, trim those trees, and get joyful and triumphant. Bar rum pa pum pum! (And brace yourself for more bad Christmas sex puns!) I’ve listed the songs in order of sexiness. Because sometimes it’s nice to start slow;-)

I’ve Got My Love To Keep Me Warm, Kay Starr

This is not strictly a Christmas song, just one of those wintery songs that gets played a lot at Christmas. This ode to coming in from the cold, shucking off one’s outerwear and clinging to another warm body is low-key sexy. Tons of versions exist - Ella Fitzgerald and Frank Sinatra do two of my favorites - but I have always liked the Kay Starr one because of how definitively she declares “Off with my overcoat/ Off with my gloves/ I need no overcoat/ I’m burning with love” Take it off, Kay!

Winter Weather, Peggy Lee

I think a whole lot of us can agree that one of the perks of winter is cuddling under blankets. “Winter Weather” is pretty much an ode to that and, much like “I’ve Got My Love To Keep Me Warm”, it gets played a lot around the holidays and so everyone is cool with the gist being “winter’s great because of all the making out”. Personally, I don’t think I will ever hear the line "Collecting all the kisses that are due me" without giggling and thinking "she said 'do me.'" Apparently, I’m 12.

Merry Christmas Darling, The Carpenters

When I was growing up, this song was a Christmas-time staple at my mom’s house. Truthfully, there's not really much in the way of sexual stuff going on here - it’s about lovers who are separated at Christmas - but I have always known, even before I really knew what sex was, that Karen Carpenter belting out "Logs on the fire fill me with desire” was somehow inherently sexual. I mean, come on!!

Santa Baby, Eartha Kitt

"Santa Baby" is the “Happy Birthday, Mr. President” of Christmas music. It sounds sexy, it feels sexy, it just IS sexy. Our heroine coos about “all the fun I’ve missed” and “all the fellas that I haven’t kissed” and you just know she is sex in heels. That is probably why this song has been covered by everyone from Madonna to Miss Piggy. Let’s face it, if you’re doing a yuletide striptease, you’re probably doing it to Santa Baby.

Santa Claus Got Stuck In My Chimney, Ella Fitzgerald

This song is a thing of legend. Recorded before Fitzgerald found mainstream success, she and her attorneys successfully blocked its reissue for years. Only after her death in 1996 did "Santa Claus Got Stuck In My Chimney" resurface. And I'm so glad it did, because this song is amazing. The perfect blend of coy innocence and filthy innuendo "Santa Claus" winks and nudges at you at every turn. Santa is "fat and round," (get it?), he got stuck in her "chimney" (get it?!) when he came last year, but she had such a good time (I mean after all the fat, round, and up in the chimney stuff, it’s really no surprise) that she invites him to "come back to her chimney" (GET IT?!!) next year.

Backdoor Santa, Clarence Carter

Picture it, you're one of the the song's "little girls" who has been disappointed by your partner at home. Enter Carter as Santa to meet your needs with a sack full of toys! Now, when discussing "Backdoor Santa" it helps to be familiar with the term “backdoor man” which sounds like an anal sex reference but actually refers to someone who sees a married woman on the side, perhaps slipping in the backdoor while her husband is at work. So, instead of a backdoor man we have a backdoor Santa. Festive, no? Now, we all know that Santa typically uses the chimney as his means of egress but as the songs says "wouldn't ol' Santa be in trouble if there ain't no chimney in the house?" So, of course, he must take a lesson from the more traditional backdoor man and leave the back door open. And lest you think this is just a yuletide fling: "I ain't like old St. Nick, he don't come but once a year." Also, I’m still choosing to believe that there’s a big anal reference in there because that’s just fun.