I don’t know about you but I love this time of year! The parties, the decorations, the food, I love it all. Also, though, the dirty joke possibilities are endless. There are logs everywhere, stockings constantly being hung or stuffed (or both!), and don't even get me started on the balls! And the music, oh the music! This doesn’t get said enough: there is some terrific sexy Christmas music! Now, I appreciate that recent history has given us some delightfully dirty holiday ditties - if you haven’t heard John Legend’s Nutmeg, you’re missing out - but I’m a classics girl so I’ve gone through my collection and picked 10 of my favorite sexy yuletide tunes that all come from a time long before JT even thought to cut a hole in a box. These songs run the gamut from subtly suggestive to downright dirty, so get ready to deck those halls, trim those trees, and get joyful and triumphant. Bar rum pa pum pum! (And brace yourself for more bad Christmas sex puns!) I’ve listed the songs in order of sexiness. Because sometimes it’s nice to start slow;-)
I’ve Got My Love To Keep Me Warm, Kay Starr
This is not strictly a Christmas song, just one of those wintery songs that gets played a lot at Christmas. This ode to coming in from the cold, shucking off one’s outerwear and clinging to another warm body is low-key sexy. Tons of versions exist - Ella Fitzgerald and Frank Sinatra do two of my favorites - but I have always liked the Kay Starr one because of how definitively she declares “Off with my overcoat/ Off with my gloves/ I need no overcoat/ I’m burning with love” Take it off, Kay!
Winter Weather, Peggy Lee
I think a whole lot of us can agree that one of the perks of winter is cuddling under blankets. “Winter Weather” is pretty much an ode to that and, much like “I’ve Got My Love To Keep Me Warm”, it gets played a lot around the holidays and so everyone is cool with the gist being “winter’s great because of all the making out”. Personally, I don’t think I will ever hear the line "Collecting all the kisses that are due me" without giggling and thinking "she said 'do me.'" Apparently, I’m 12.
Merry Christmas Darling, The Carpenters
When I was growing up, this song was a Christmas-time staple at my mom’s house. Truthfully, there's not really much in the way of sexual stuff going on here - it’s about lovers who are separated at Christmas - but I have always known, even before I really knew what sex was, that Karen Carpenter belting out "Logs on the fire fill me with desire” was somehow inherently sexual. I mean, come on!!
Santa Baby, Eartha Kitt
"Santa Baby" is the “Happy Birthday, Mr. President” of Christmas music. It sounds sexy, it feels sexy, it just IS sexy. Our heroine coos about “all the fun I’ve missed” and “all the fellas that I haven’t kissed” and you just know she is sex in heels. That is probably why this song has been covered by everyone from Madonna to Miss Piggy. Let’s face it, if you’re doing a yuletide striptease, you’re probably doing it to Santa Baby.
Santa Claus Got Stuck In My Chimney, Ella Fitzgerald
This song is a thing of legend. Recorded before Fitzgerald found mainstream success, she and her attorneys successfully blocked its reissue for years. Only after her death in 1996 did "Santa Claus Got Stuck In My Chimney" resurface. And I'm so glad it did, because this song is amazing. The perfect blend of coy innocence and filthy innuendo "Santa Claus" winks and nudges at you at every turn. Santa is "fat and round," (get it?), he got stuck in her "chimney" (get it?!) when he came last year, but she had such a good time (I mean after all the fat, round, and up in the chimney stuff, it’s really no surprise) that she invites him to "come back to her chimney" (GET IT?!!) next year.
Backdoor Santa, Clarence Carter
Picture it, you're one of the the song's "little girls" who has been disappointed by your partner at home. Enter Carter as Santa to meet your needs with a sack full of toys! Now, when discussing "Backdoor Santa" it helps to be familiar with the term “backdoor man” which sounds like an anal sex reference but actually refers to someone who sees a married woman on the side, perhaps slipping in the backdoor while her husband is at work. So, instead of a backdoor man we have a backdoor Santa. Festive, no? Now, we all know that Santa typically uses the chimney as his means of egress but as the songs says "wouldn't ol' Santa be in trouble if there ain't no chimney in the house?" So, of course, he must take a lesson from the more traditional backdoor man and leave the back door open. And lest you think this is just a yuletide fling: "I ain't like old St. Nick, he don't come but once a year." Also, I’m still choosing to believe that there’s a big anal reference in there because that’s just fun.
Let's Make Christmas Merry, Baby, Amos Milburn
So, I think it’s safe to say that when someone offers to "slide down your chimney and fill your stocking full of toys,” and "rock you in my cradle” they are not planning on a silent night. Further, if they implore you to "ride on my reindeer,” with promises like "yes, we'll make them joy bells ring” they probably plan on coming more than once a year. Any way you slice it, "Let's Make Christmas Merry, Baby’s" double-entendres certainly suggest that someone’s getting a heavenly piece of something. What I love about this song is how it manages to be a legitimately beautiful song while still being kind of raunchy. Seriously, it’s such a pretty song that you might not catch the innuendo if you don’t know to listen for it.
I’ll Be Your Santa, Baby, Rufus Thomas
On the other side of the coin from "Let's Make Christmas Merry, Baby" is "I’ll Be Your Santa, Baby," a boisterous tune that makes you want to turn up the volume and bask in the not-so-subtle sexual imagery. This song always makes me think of Dr. Horrible’s Sing-Along Blog when the Hammer character states, with a leer, that his fists are not the hammer only to come back a second later and explain “the Hammer is my penis”. When Thomas sings "I'll slide down your chimney / And bring you lots of joy / What I've got for you Mama / It ain't just a toy.” I always want someone (back up singers maybe?) to jump in and festively proclaim “It’s his penis!”
I've Got What You Want For Christmas, Louise Mandrell
Released in 1985, "I've Got What You Want For Christmas" is the most “modern” song on this list and it’s a country gem full of amorous allusions and not-at-all subtle overtones. Mandrell promises to deliver her man an extremely memorable night for Christmas: “I'll play Santa's little helper/ Deliver it by midnight/ I bet you'll get all excited/ When you see your surprise/ I’ve got what you want for Christmas/Santa Claus is coming tonight!” This song is so obvious in its intention that when Mandrell states that her gift won’t need wrapping it’s hard to not blurt out “yeah, no kidding lady!” I like to imagine there’s a first draft somewhere that contains a verse about starting off with some hand stuff before moving onto oral. Why not spell it out completely?
Trim Your Tree, Jimmy Butler
OK, so we’ve heard some subtle (and not-so-subtle) insinuations, we’ve seen some pretty thinly veiled sexual references but when it comes to sexy Christmas double-entendre, nothing come close to "Trim Your Tree." This song is basically one giant double-entendre made even raunchier by Butler’s gift for making absolutely everything into a sex reference. Bonus for the vocals, which somehow manage to sound like the man is winking lasciviously at us for a solid two minutes. In case you think I’m exaggerating, let’s take a look at some lyrics: “Baby I want to trim your/ beautiful Christmas tree/ I’m gonna bring along my hatchet/ my beautiful Christmas balls/ I’ll sprinkle my snow up on your tree/ and hang my mistletoe on your wall”
It takes a very special holiday song to make one think “Did he just say he wants to come on her?”
Happy holidays, folks!