Boys in blue, girls in pink…and that’s all there is, right? At least, that’s what some people erroneously think when it comes to what gender is and always should be. The fact is gender is nothing other than a social construct. It varies by country, region, religion, and philosophy as well as changing over time.
In short, gender roles are totally made up.
Sure, sometimes sex can be a component of gender but not always. Even if it is female/male, that, too, is an error. For example, many believe that there are as many as six different human genders.
This means that nothing is binary when you’re talking about either sex or gender. What this boils down to is that gender expression is a way of showing one's nature. It is a powerful tool in exploring their sexuality.
Which gets us into BDSM scenes. There are some truly fascinating ways that gender can be added to kinky play, thus giving your kinky pleasures a rainbow of possibilities.
For a lot of people, emotional or sexual power—consensual control during power exchange—lies at the core of BDSM. Putting aside the physical side of things for a moment, the taking and giving of power can often be expressed by adapting an alternative persona: the cold and gloriously cruel Master or Mistress, the shy and apparently fragile submissive…you get the gist.
More than likely you know where this is going. What can add to these BDSM personas is that using gender as a component can amplification what is already present or play into previously untapped selves.
Let’s say you want to up your domination game in the play space, but you find it difficult to wrap your mind around how to make this happen. Creating a dominant personality can be a challenge. For some, it may feel impossible.
So instead of making something from nothing, why not use your own gender expression cranked up to max?
For example: if you feel comfortable as male-identified, collect styles and affectations that you consider ultra-masculine; this could be anything from using an accent to the clothes you wear.
Think of it as motivational acting. Get into the head of your new male self. What’s their name? What’s their voice like? What do they like to eat and drink? What do they wear? And what kind of dominant are they?
Some things might might be uncomfortable. Other things could lead to discovering a new side to your BDSM play.
If being female is more to your liking, you can follow that path as well. Try picking up and trying on all kinds of styles and forms to discover what may or may not work for your personal kinks.
A great way to do research different gender archetypes is to use media. Take some time to dissect and examine your favorite characters, adding parts of them to your own kink persona.
Drifting back to males, how about a bit of Hannibal Lecter (though not too much), a touch of Bogart, a smidgen of Picard, and a pinch of Bond? Then mix well and serve (shaken, not stirred) and see what you become.
One side, of course, can’t exist without the other. So just as you can amplify strengths, you can also ramp up submissiveness. Just like with domination, the trick is to try out various forms to see what feels good, right, and most of all arousing.
The thing, though, with submissives is you do need to be careful about this new persona you create; not in the act of creation, but being able to emotionally pull yourself out of it.
Because of this, it’s highly recommended to work with your dominant when you go on this gender play voyage to set up some clear and safe guidelines for aftercare and recovery.
Age play can be a big part of this type of gender experimentation. By consciously going back to a more innocent state, the sensations, especially the emotional impact of everything going, can be magnified.
Again, this is where safety is critical as this kind of play can also accidentally trigger subconscious childhood traumas—so always play smart and, most of all, play safe.
Another angle to submission and gender is to force it in contrary ways as a form of humiliation play. By making a male-identified person wear female clothes or a female-identified playmate dress in male garments, the dom can use their discomfort and shame as an erotic tool.
It must be noted that this should only ever be done with clear consent and with unobstructed lines of communication. This type of plan can summon powerful emotional forces and should never be done without knowing as much as possible about the person you're playing with.
Harking back to the beginning of this article, gender is not now and has never been binary. So, when you want to try your hand (and other body parts) at new forms, try not to be hemmed in by what anyone else says you should be.
Perhaps your dominant side wears a skirt, combat boots, sports pink hair, and a handlebar moustache; maybe your submissive self wears a 50s style bra, jodhpurs, and a mohawk. The same is true about your personality. Why not try a bit of Blofeld, a touch of Black Widow, a pinch of Louis Renault, and a sprinkle of Mary Poppins?
If it works then it works—and more power to you!
And if it doesn’t work, try something else. The sky is literally the limit when it comes to gender play possibilities.
A leftover from our primitive days when being aware of everything, especially when not doing so could result in us getting eaten, we humans do love our our patterns. Look at a cloud and it becomes a bunny rabbit… It’s all leftover survival instincts.
Gender is the same way. For the longest time, we didn’t see it as nebulous. We limited it depending on our culture or biased upbringing. Yet, part of evolving is becoming more and more comfortable with ambiguity; in giving up the illusion that the universe must be either this and that.
At the core of gender expression lies respect and empathy: to see others as who they are, who they want to be, who they need to be, and let go of the toxicity that says your way is the only way.
So become yourself—whoever that is—and treat others with the same love and acceptance as you’d like others to show you: in the dungeon, as well as everywhere else.
M.Christian is an author who has been published in science fiction, fantasy, horror, thrillers, and even nonfiction, but it is in erotica that M.Christian has become an acknowledged master, with stories in such anthologies as Best American Erotica, Best Gay Erotica, Best Lesbian Erotica, Best Bisexual Erotica, Best Fetish Erotica, and in fact too many anthologies, magazines, and sites to name. In addition to writing, M.Christian is a respected sex and BDSM educator, having taught classes on everything from polyamory to tit torture for venues such as the SF Citadel, Good Vibrations, COPE (in Columbus, Ohio), Beat Me In St. Louis, Winter Fire, Floating World, Sin In The City (Las Vegas), Dark Odyssey, and many others.
