Men (and Their Sexuality) Aren't 'Simple,' and Here's Why We Need to Stop Saying This

“Women are complicated.” It’s a phrase you hear in pretty much every context, but especially in the context of sex and relationships. Stereotype has it that women are more emotional, more demanding and more difficult.

Feminists have been challenging this stereotype as of late, showing that “what women want” is not a mystery because women really just want basic rights, that pleasing women in bed is not a hopelessly difficult task, and that the feelings that get brushed off as women being “emotional” or “complicated” are usually very valid.

But there’s another side to the “women are complicated” cliché that’s worth addressing. Every time there’s a stereotype of one group, there’s an opposing stereotype of another. And in this case, the stereotype is that “men are simple.”

Women are "Complicated," Men are "Simple" (and Why Stereotypes Are Stupid)

You hear this all the time: that women are puzzles even the best scientists cannot figure out, while men “want just one thing” (AKA sex), are easy to understand, and are equally easy to satisfy.

The truth is, women are not particularly complicated, men are not particularly simple, and there are many people who don’t identify as men or women, which further breaks down this binary. However, I’ll be focusing on the “men are simple” stereotype, since it seems to be the most often overlooked and taken for granted. Here are some reasons we need to stop saying this.

It Discourages Men From Self-Exploration

Teaching men that there is not much to them discourages them from exploring themselves and their sexuality. It deprives them of the chance to discover, for example, erogenous zones outside the penis, new sexual acts that might interest them, attraction to partners they may not have previously considered, or sex toys.

It also leads them to view sex as a one-dimensional, purely physical experience when it can also be an emotional or even spiritual one. Many men, for example, are expected to buy into hookup culture when they really crave deep connection and relationships. One University of North Carolina study found that 71 percent of college men wanted more chances for long-term relationships.

Deeming men simple also causes them to neglect their complexities in areas outside of sex. For example, it may cause them to numb their emotions and avoid connecting with people on a deep level.

Men, like people of all genders, are complex human beings and deserve the chance to enjoy the rich and colorful experience of being human.

It Naturalizes the Pleasure Gap

When it’s made in a sexual context, the claim that “men are simple” conveys that men are easy to please, while women require lots of work. This belief makes it seem as if it is only natural for men to get more enjoyment out of sex than women.

As of now, this is what’s happening. A study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that only 4.3 percent of men but a full 15 percent of women said their last sexual encounter was barely or not at all pleasurable. Another study in Archives of Sexual Behavior found that 95 percent of straight men but only 65 percent of straight women orgasmed during every or almost every recent sexual experience.

If women are more complicated, then these discrepancies seem to be justified. If women’s bodies are just more difficult to please, they cannot expect to have an orgasm every time or experience sex as uniformly pleasurable.

This belief system obscures the reasons women actually experience less pleasure in bed: that men are more likely to receive oral sex and other forms of pleasure; that too many people conflate “sex” with “intercourse” instead of participating in activities that bring women more enjoyment; that many women are dealing with body image issues and/or sexual trauma that affect their ability to stay present during sex; that women are more likely to suffer from chronic pain and illness, which can kill your sex drive; the list goes on.

We cannot fight these problems and rectify the situation if we keep pretending that it is just nature taking its course.