“Fear of the unknown” Is a Real Thing
If you don’t know your metamour, it's easy to imagine them as some perfect babe who's good at everything and literally has no weaknesses. Once you get to know someone, it's OK to be still intimidated, but at least they're a real person and potential ally and friend – flaws and all. Trust me, it’s much easier to identify with someone once you’ve met them and gained this perspective. If you still find yourself feeling less than your metamour, remember: your partner is dating the both of you, which means you're both in the same league.
Read: When Your Partner Sleeps With Someone Else - and It Makes You Happy
Trust Is Everything
I find that when I meet a metamour, most of my insecurities and jealousy melt away. We don’t have to be BFFs (although I’ve been very close with some of my metas). But if I can meet and greet and get along with my metamour, it establishes a certain level of trust between the two of us that makes it much easier to move forward with confidence.
Ditto for Empathy
I've also found that I'm a better metamour when I try to put myself in their shoes and think about them from a place of compassion. There’s a lot of uncertainty in relationships, and especially in non-monogamous dynamics. For example, it’s one thing to say you’re OK with your partner going out on a date with someone else. The feelings that may surface when they’re actually out on a date may tell a different story. It’s easy to get caught up in your head and create stories. If I take a step back and try to find common ground with my metas, it helps settle any uncomfortable feelings.
Flexibility Will Make Things Go Smoother
Managing multiple relationships isn’t for the faint of heart. Flexibility is key. Some of my worst metamours were the ones who got upset when things didn’t go exactly as planned. The thing is, life doesn’t always go as planned, and when you bring multiple people and competing commitments into the mix, the probability of that happening compounds. Nobody wants to cancel plans (people who continuously flake on plans are a big red flag in my book), but sometimes it happens and throwing a hissy fit doesn’t help build metamour bonds. Be respectful of your partner’s and meta’s time.
Communication Is Key
For any relationship to succeed, it requires clear and open communication. When you’re poly and dating, it requires some next-level communication skills, because you need to make sure the needs of multiple people are being met. I try to keep a “we’re all in this together” mentality, which means being mindful of my meta’s needs. Even if I'm not in direct contact with my meta, there’s communication with my partner about the various dynamics and their necessary needs when they arise.
I'd like to believe that all of us would want to become better metas and to build better relationships with our metas. Even if we’re not in direct, regular contact, it sure is nice to share the joy of our shared partners and relationships. Happy Metamour Day!
