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How to Build Up Your Partner’s Orgasm Through Exquisite Torture

Published: JANUARY 14, 2019 | Updated: AUGUST 29, 2021
Orgasm can be even more explosive when you're forced to wait for it.

What do we mean by “exquisite torture?” It sounds kind of scary and also kind of kinky, right? It is definitely kinky, but we wouldn’t say it's scary - unless having amazing orgasms is scary to you.


Exquisite torture refers to a series of intense sexual buildups that can intensify orgasm. It drags out the sexual experience, forcing you to feel everything that is happening to your body. Let's face it: we often rush through sex (whatever kind of sex we may be having) to orgasm and move on with our days.

Exquisite torture is a step away from that. Instead, it is fully embracing the sexual experience, living it out to full erotic bliss. Basically, you don’t let your partner (or your partner doesn’t let you) orgasm until you’re good and ready to be set over the edge. And yes, it can be torturous ... in a good way.

Remember to have a discussion about boundaries and consent before engaging in any of this play. It’s important that everyone is on board and down to push some comfort zones. There might be moments when the feelings are so intense that your partner can’t take it anymore. Have a safe word in place for cases in which that happens. (If you don’t know what a safe word is, no problem. Click here).


Here are some fun ways to try sexual torture.

Slow, Slow, Slow Oral Sex

Slow oral sex may sound like some kind of strange erotica term but it’s actually a cunnilingus technique that could take you into your biggest orgasm ever. No promises, but it’s worth a try. This works best with vulva-owners, but it can be fun for penises too!

Spend time with the vulva. Explore it. Devote a solid thirty minutes to oral sex. Let your partner know how sexy they are and how much you want to be down there.


Read: How to Charm a Clitoris

Stick with deeper, stronger movements of the tongue rather than quick, rapid licks over the clitoris. Move in slow, controlled circles. Stay consistent. If your partner resists (and they’ve consented to this), hold their wrists at their side until you take them through to orgasm. It will not disappoint. It can be a full-body experience.

Edge Your Way to Orgasm

Edging is when you tease your partner with oral sex, hand sex, penetrative sex, a sex toy etc. right up until they’re about to orgasm, only to stop right before they come. Then, you start the whole sexual arousal cycle over again once they’ve cooled down.


It’s one of the most frustrating, incredible experiences ever. Once you finally do go over the edge and give into that release, the orgasm is insanely intense from all the buildup. It’s a difficult practice, but with some effort, it can be mastered.

You can get some tips on how to do that here.

Sensory Play

Sensory play is a highly erotic way to up the ante on orgasm and all of your sexual senses. Instead of going right into genital touching or skin-on-skin contact, start with exploring your partner’s body.


If you’ve never tried it before, there are simple ways to give it a go. Use a T-shirt and place it over your partner’s eyes. Grab a (clean) feather duster and run is gently over their body. Pay attention to erogenous zones likes the nipples and inner thighs.

Take breaks for passionate kisses, but don’t let them touch you (or themselves). Alternatively, you can grab an ice cube from the freezer and run it over their skin.

It will leave them wanting more. And they’ll get it … eventually.



A slightly more aggressive form of sensory play than feathers or ice, spanking is a great way to get your partner’s body on edge before orgasm. Pain and pleasure activate the same area of the brain, meaning they are closely linked.

A sharp slap on the butt or back of the thighs can light up your partner’s brain and skin, making them more susceptible to the pleasurable touch that follows.

If you’re curious about how to properly spank someone, click here for a guide.

Orgasm Deprivation

Orgasm deprivation is a bit like edging in that you build up pleasure without allowing for orgasmic release. Some experts would say they’re synonymous, and in some cases they can be. With edging, you literally are depriving someone of orgasm. Get it?

But, as a coach, I prefer to keep the terms separate in that orgasm deprivation can last DAYS. This is a big one and it isn’t for the faint of heart. You and your partner have to be truly committed to waiting for the release. Work up to nearly orgasming every night (or morning, afternoon, whenever) for a few days.

Once you’ve sufficiently tortured yourself, allow yourselves to orgasm on whichever night you’ve designated as the final showdown. This is not for everyone, but if you can pull it off, it’s ridiculously hot.

Want to learn more about orgasm denial? We got you.

Gigi Engle

Gigi Engle is an award-winning author, certified sex educator, psychosexual therapist in training, and author of "All The F*cking Mistakes: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life." Known as The Bisexual’s Therapist, she is a speaker, LGBTQIA+ activist, and sex expert.She currently works as the resident sex expert for Lifestyle Condoms and as a volunteer psychosexual therapist at 56 Dean Street, London’s foremost LGBTQIA+ clinic. She is also a...

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