How to Ask Your Partner to Be Your Dominant

Published: DECEMBER 2, 2015 | Updated: JANUARY 14, 2022
Talking to your partner about your desire to submit can be very difficult, but opening up can also be very rewarding.

After months of reading, investigating, thinking and stalking the Internet, you're positive you're a submissive. When you look at your partner, you believe they could be your Dominant. You need them to be your Dominant. But how do you talk to them about it? What if they refuse? What if they agree?


I'm at a disadvantage when it comes to a very common topic among many submissives, especially married women. I discovered BDSM when I was single, post-divorce. Once I realized what I wanted and needed, I only pursued relationships with men who knew they were Dominants. I never had to have the hard conversations that occur when you want to take your vanilla relationship to a kinky level.

It's something that seems so common. I know that people struggle with it every day. I turned to a few submissive friends of mine who all came to a point in their relationships when they were ready to be a submissive to their spouse. Not every relationship had a perfect or easy transition, and D/s isn't an automatic fix – as one of my friends knows all too well. Yet, if they can do it, so can you.

Meet My Submissive Friends

Mynx, also known as My Sir's Mynx, has been married for 22 years and became her husband's submissive two and a half years ago. She's a blogger and makes beautiful, and subtle, collars.


Little BoPeep (affectionately known as Peep) was married for 27 years and entered into a D/s dynamic with her husband in the last few years of marriage. They are now separated.

Caitlyn is the blogger also known as LSAM or Love, Sex, and Marriage. The blog came before the D/s relationship. She and her husband have been married for 10 years, and in the D/s life for three and a half.

Desiring Discipline (DD, for short) combines her need for BDSM and kink with her Christian beliefs to find the balance and strength to have a happy marriage. She and her husband have been married for 23 years, and have been a D/s couple for three years.


Notice something about all of them? They've been married for years, and it's only recently that they've discussed and transitioned to a D/s dynamic in their relationship. Some credit "50 Shades of Grey" for helping them. Others admit they've been kinky most of their lives, even though they never told their partners.

Having the Conversation – What You Think They'll Say Vs. Reality

Tell me if this sounds familiar?

“I worried he'd think I was strange,” Mynx told me.


“I expected laughter and disbelief. I figured he'd think I was crazy,” DD said.

Maybe you're hoping that your partner is a mind reader, like Caitlyn. “I hoped he'd read my mind. I hinted and 'acted' submissive in hopes it would develop without me having to say much.”

If you're thinking about telling your partner you're a submissive, your fears and worries are completely normal. Maybe, like Caitlyn, you hope that you will never actually have to say something. At a certain point, though, if this is what you really want and need, you're going to have to speak up. You may be surprised at the reactions you get.


“He was excited and began researching the lifestyle almost immediately,” Mynx said.

“It was a rough transition during a hectic time in our marriage. I think it saved our marriage, though. Ultimately, he was excited and turned on, but also a little upset that maybe he hadn't been able to satisfy me prior to this,” Caitlyn said.

And did DD's husband react the way she expected? A little. He laughed and was in disbelief, as well as a little uncomfortable, but he was also willing to listen. Which, at the end of the day, is all you really need.


This is not a magic fix for your relationship though.

“I thought he'd be thrilled when I mentioned it, and I think he was relieved, but ultimately, it still couldn't fix or save our marriage,” Peep said.

BDSM isn't a magic pill, but it's still important to be true to yourself and communicate your needs with your partner.

How to Approach Your Partner

The steps I use to talk to my partner about adding new kinks or adjusting our dynamic aren't that much different than what you should consider when you talk to your partner.

  • Let them know you need to talk, and pick a good time.
  • Think through what you want to say.
  • Don't wait too long, especially if your needs aren't being met.
  • Take the conversation slowly.
  • Talk about what you are thinking and feeling.
  • Point your partner to resources to learn more.
  • Point out the kinky sex (which could be a selling point to your partner), but talk about the other elements of D/s that speak to you.
  • Understand that they may need time to understand what this means, deal with any misconceptions they have, and learn more before they agree.
  • Be ready to change yourself as well.

Keep Your Expectations Realistic

Think about it for a second. You've either been kinky your entire life and are just now coming to terms with that fact or you read, watched, and saw enough kink that you realized it was interesting to you. Either way, you didn't go from vanilla to kinky in a matter of minutes. Neither will your partner. (Note: This is typically true unless you were both secretly kinky but afraid to admit it to the other – which I have seen happen a few times, too.)

So, once you're out, how to make it work?

First, “D/s requires commitment from both of you," Peep said.

“Your partner won't be the Dominant of your dreams. They'll be who they are. Can you accept that Dominance or are you stuck on the fantasy? Remember, you're not the only one in the relationship,” Caitlyn explained.

DD agreed. “I really thought I was going to write the script, keep control, and say how my husband was going to perform. I was so wrong," DD said.

Unless you're only looking to add kinky sex to the bedroom (and there's nothing wrong with that), transitioning to a D/s relationship requires work from both of you. As a submissive, you will have to overcome years of being in control, not letting go, and/or not fully trusting your partner to handle issues. You may change more than your partner. It's going to take time, and it's definitely going to require hard work. (Learn some of the key skills you should know in 5 Ways to Spot a Good Submissive.)

What Happens After the First Conversation

Before you jump up from the table or couch or wherever you have this conversation to get kinky, slow down for a minute. OK - scratch that. If you're both ready and willing for hot, kinky, monkey sex, go for it. I'd never deny someone that. Afterwards, though, when you've got clothes on again and you've cleaned up a bit, remember to take this slow.

Share the resources you found to learn about D/s. Find more resources. If you follow someone in the D/s lifestyle that gives credible advice, feel free to reach out with questions. I haven't met a kinkster yet who's not willing to help out someone who's trying to learn more. And I don't want to be friends with the person who won't help.

“Keep talking and find mentors,” Peep said.

You both still have plenty to learn.

DD offers advice based on her own unique experience and tough road to submission. “It starts with your submission and respect of your partner," she said. "Acknowledge the trust issues and put your submission into action.”

Remember, this is a journey – a long one. Don't think you have to sprint to an imagined finish line. Take your time. Realize you'll both make mistakes. Be willing to talk and keep talking. This is a time for brutal honesty as you discover what you want, need, like and don't like. Your partner never has been and never will be a mind reader. Take it one day at a time and keep an open mind. Hopefully, your partner is willing to take the journey with you.

Kayla Lords

Professional writer, sex blogger, erotic author, sexual submissive, and kinkster, Kayla writes more than is probably healthy over at A Sexual Being and overshares about the kinky and mundane side of her BDSM relationship. Her mission: to make BDSM, specifically Dominance and submission, less scary, less weird, and much more real and attainable for anyone willing to learn more.

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