Upon arrival, he was extremely aggressive and appeared to be on some kind of stimulant. He was far from the sweet, submissive guy I’d been playing with. I was scared. No one knew he was at my apartment. I immediately knew I'd made an awful decision. When he pushed my body forcibly over my dining room table and pulled my hair, I knew I could either fight him or let him fuck me. The latter seemed to be the easiest way out, especially since I knew he typically came super-fast. He did and then left. I sat in my apartment in shock, flooded with guilt and shame.
I sat in my apartment in shock, flooded with guilt and shame.
I disclosed what had happened to one of my other partners, who agreed that there was no sense in reporting the assault. I’m a sex writer who speaks and writes openly about my sexual activity. There’s no way that anyone would believe me. I’m already called awful names on a near-daily basis by critics and strangers. I could only imagine what drama and bullshit would happen if I brought a case against someone who’s well-respected within his industry in what often feels like a big city parading as a small town (aka, Seattle).
So, I opted to stay mostly silent and have shared this story with very few people. And I struggle with how someone who’s so sex-savvy ended up in such a vulnerable situation. The sad reality is that it can happen to anyone, anywhere and at any time.
Throughout my life, I’ve experienced more consent violations than I can count – from sexual innuendos made by family members to be being touched by strangers. This instance, though, is by far the most egregious. I know I’m not alone, and the experience gave me much greater insight as to why so many people don’t speak up. I already endure never-ending slut-shaming; why pile victim-shaming on top of that?
I was completely sober and dressed in sweats, so I don’t want to hear that I “asked for it.” I did not say “no,” struggle, or fight back, but I most definitely did not express enthusiastic consent.
The bottom line: I had sexual intercourse against my will, and it’s taken a lot of time to understand that I’m not to blame. And if you’ve been subjected to any sexual contact without your consent, neither are you. I am here for you.
If you’ve been sexually assaulted, the National Sexual Assault Hotline is available 24/7 at 9-800-656-4673.