When dating, we all have that "perfect person" checklist we keep in our heads, the one we use to mentally check off a list off things such as character traits, looks and various things we are attracted to about the person sitting before us. Then, it happens. You are out with friends one night, having a few cocktails and talking about your latest conquests when that question comes up: So, how is your new partner in the sack? You squirm in your seat because for some mysterious reason you and this "perfect" person just aren't hitting it off physically. You've wondered if it's you, if it's them, if it was too many shots of tequila, but now you're wondering: Is it possible that it's just bad sexual chemistry? People, let’s be honest: sometimes the sex just isn’t good. So, what constitutes good sex? And how do you know if the problem is something you can work with, or just a sign of physical incompatability?
The Good, the Bad, and the Truthful
The definition of good sex is different for every person. Some people like vanilla sex: missionary style and only in bed. There are people like me who will try anything sexual once; twice if we like it! I find that most people tend to fall somewhere in the middle.
No matter your sexual appetite and preferences, the absolute key to good sex is communication. If you can’t communicate your needs and wants truthfully, then you are not likely to ever really have mind blowing, baby-you-just-rocked-my-world sex. Ever! If you want him to throw you against the wall and bang you hard, then tell him that!
The second most important component to great sex is confidence. Confidence is sexy and freeing. If you are confident in your own skin and desires, this will transcend into your sex life. Some men just need a strong, dominant woman to put them on their knees and make them beg to touch her. Trust me, I speak from experience!
Bad sex happens even to the best of us. I’ve had my share of guys who just had no clue what to do with a woman’s body, but thought they did. Licking my face, slurping all over me - some couldn’t find the G-spot if I gave them a compass and a map. Yet, I always communicated honestly with them about what it was that was drying me up rather than making me wet.
Can You Survive Bad Sexual Chemistry?
Honest answer: Hell no!
Listen, even if you're not a dirty little horn ball like I am, sex is important in a relationship! In my honest opinion, it's just as important as anything else you may put on this checklist of what your ideal partner will be like: money, looks, family life, religious beliefs, politics, education, personality, character, etc. That stuff is all well and good, but if the sex is terrible, nothing else matters.
I know I sound like a heartless, sex-centered bitch right now, but hear me out.
Let's say you and your Perfect-On-Paper-Partner decide to keep dating in spite of the dreadful sexual chemistry between you. Things progress into a full-blown relationship eventually because neither one of you wants to walk away based on bad sex alone. You chalk it up to newness and figure it will get better over time with practice. Time passes and you fall in love with this person. You may even have sex with each other every so often because, well, that's what couples do and because this is your partner. The sex never gets better. It's not satisfying, but you still stick it out because you really care about this person. Months, maybe even years, pass and while your affection for this person grows, the sex is still just OK.
Now what?
Well, realistically no matter how you dress it up, unless you are two asexual people, you do not have a happy relationship because a key component is missing. One of you, if not both of you, will realize this at some point. Hopefully, you'll have the balls to talk to the other person about it, but chances are if you've let this go on for years, you don't have the balls to talk about it. There's a good chance that one or both of you will cheat because you just need a good dirty lay and you're not getting it at home. Even if no one cheats, eventually one of you will have the guts to walk away because of the bad sexual chemistry. Now you've spent a good chunk of time with someone who stacked up great on your perfect person list, but wasn't the right fit sexually.
Bad Chemistry or Are You Just Bad at Sex?
So, if you connect in every department except for sex, how do you know if it's just bad chemistry or if it's really bad sex? Honestly, unless you are both sloppy drunk and falling all over each other, if the sex was bad then the answer to my question is: BOTH! If you have nothing else to blame - no alcohol, no lack of technique and knowledge, no stressful situation like the car rolling away while you were banging in it, and everything was otherwise on the up and up - you may have to face reality: You had bad sex because you have absolutely no sexual chemistry between you.
Bad sexual chemistry happens from time to time, but in my opinion and experience, a relationship cannot survive in this situation no matter how good everything else is. I mean, honestly, if you have everything but sex, aren't you really just friends? Sex is an extremely important part of a relationship, and if all of the components aren't falling into place, then it's time to call it what it is and move on.
Life is far too short to live it having bad sex!
I started this blog in April of 2011 at the suggestion of friends who, after...
