Long term relationships
Avoid the Dreaded Dead Bedroom! 6 Habits You Can Start Now
Published: SEPTEMBER 29, 2022
Sheets getting less sweaty than usual? It might be a case of a dead bedroom! While the frenetic pace of constant sex isn't always sustainable over a long term relationship, there are things you can do to prevent your sex life from dying out completely!
Have you heard of a "dead bedroom"?
If not, "dead bedroom" is the informal term used to describe a relationship where participants (who used to have sex) haven't had sex in a long time.
You won't hear this term talked about in professional circles, though: not only is it hard to use as a diagnosis
(how long, exactly, would a couple need to go without sex?), but it also adds stigma and shame - which certainly isn't helping
anyone!
A "dead" bedroom also implies a loss of passion or vitality - and that doesn't have to be in the case. Some couples maintain strong relationships with attraction to one another - and sexual intimacy just hasn't been in the cards for awhile.
Some couples don't even
realize that "dead bedroom" has "hit" them - until they're trying to recall the last time they had sex
...and they can't. If you're unfamiliar with the sensation, I want you to think about your favorite gourmet food or dessert, and figure out how long ago it was that you ate it. Despite it being a favorite, for most of us, we'd probably have to stop and think about the last time it made it into our mouths.
(Unless you're having your favorite gourmet dessert on a regular basis, and in which case, I'm very jealous.)But a "dead bedroom" isn't something that passively happens to couples. It's a long, multitude of steps that happens over time. Luckily, if that is something you want to avoid, it means that any couple can work to reduce its likelihood by following some relationship-focused steps.
Steps like....
Prioritize SexYep, it seems obvious.
And yet...
I've been just as guilty of letting everything else in my busy life come before sex. It often seems like there aren't enough hours in the day to support all of the things we need to do - and we need to somehow make time for sex too?
I'm most guilty of the "I'm not really in the mood" excuse - while also spending the previous hour watching a TV show. Of course I'm not "in the mood" after watching a murder mystery docuseries!
The simple and easy answer to this? Prioritize sex. You can schedule in sex if you want (some people really love looking forward to upcoming sexytimes, and you might be one of them).
But this also might look like scheduling in downtime in your life: no busywork, time filler, or mindless entertainment.
Especially if you're someone who doesn't want to have sex unless you're in a sexy, aroused mood, packing every minute full of errands is, unsurprisingly, bound to never leave your brain enough time to wander - and get in the sexy mood in the first place!
Prioritize Your ConnectionLet's say that dead bedroom has already begun to creep into your relationship - and the idea of simply "turning back on" sex sounds absolutely anxiety-inducing. I get it. Sometimes, especially after long periods of reduced connection, the idea of simply "having sex" is really, really uncomfortable. Been there, hated it.
If that's the case, focus on prioritizing the connection between the two of you instead. Leave the focus on "sex" out of the picture.
Instead, go on a date night. Pick one of the hobbies you both enjoy and head out of the house to explore that hobby in some way. Recreate your first date. Think about what attracted you to your partner in the first place. Try some new thing the two of you have never tried before. Go to that restaurant you've had on your to-do list for forever.
This tends to reignite your connection - and make the idea of intimate touching much more palatable. Once you get home and want to continue the reconnection quest, a spicy game like Behind Closed Doors might be just the ticket to capitalize on those romantic feelings and turn them physical.Respond to Your PartnerIf you're like most couples, there are hundreds of opportunities a day where you have to choose something related to your partner.
Some of these will be direct requests from your partner - often called "bids for connection" in the world of psychology. They might ask you to pick up the kids after work - or ask you to bring home dinner. They might ask you to wash the dishes or fill the car up with gas. They might ask for your opinion about clothing, a movie, or a work situation.
As easy as it can be to see your overwhelming to-do list and refuse to add more to it, responding positively to these "bids for connection" can make a drastic impact on your relationship. In a study, at the six-year follow-up, couples who were still married had "turned towards" each other's bids 86% of the time - while couples who were divorced only averaged 33%.
This makes sense. After all, a "bid for connection" is, literally, your partner requesting your time and energy to depend on your connection - or further the connection between you.
This also means prioritizing your partner - even without being asked. When your partner needs to unload the groceries, it'd certainly be easier to stay on the couch and keep reading your book. But think about how much easier it would make their lives to have help unloading and unpacking the groceries. Are they folding the laundry? Mulching the yard? Stepping in to help, without needing to be asked, can leave your relationship in a positive space.
At a minimum, when your partner makes a "bid for connection" for conversation, put down what you're doing and give them your full attention. Ask follow-up questions - and take genuine interest in their answers. Learn the jargon and important aspects of their hobbies - and check-in about work and home projects you know they're engaged in.
A better, stronger, happier relationship connection leads to sex more often; it's a simple way to reduce the likelihood that a dead bedroom creeps up.