Read: Practical Ways to Reduce Your Sexual Shame
PC: It always seems to boil down to how we see and feel about ourselves, doesn’t it? Even so, there’s the added weight of stigma to deal with. We already know it’s a factor in the general perception of sex and porn addiction. How would you say stigma affects women, particularly those, such as yourself, born into the traditionally patriarchal Latino culture?
EG: There is a stigma to female sex and porn addicts - Latino or not - because there is still so much silence. Our culture says that men want sex more than women, so naturally men are more likely to become addicted. What ends up happening is when a woman then struggles with this sort of thing she’ll think she’s the only one and keep her struggles to herself. I don’t think there’s anything that hinders healing more than this kind of silence and silence only breeds more shame. As far as my Latino Catholic household, sex was something that was supposed to happen between two married people. This isn’t even something my parents told me. They left the teaching up to the nuns at school. Sex was something awkward, something dirty, something we didn’t talk about. I think that mystery only made it more enticing and when I started to have sex in my teens, it was something I kept secret. And because it was so secretive I didn’t feel safe in asking about where and how to get condoms or birth control. I took a lot of chances.
PC: How did you know porn was having a negative effect on your life (beyond the common assumption that pornography is "bad")? Or rather, do you think it’s possible to watch porn just because it’s a turn on and you like it without developing an addiction?
EG: I absolutely think you can have a healthy relationship with porn. In fact, I still watch porn, but I don’t feel the need to binge on it anymore because I don’t use it to escape from my problems anymore. Because I learned more effective methods of dealing with my emotions, I can use porn now simply because it’s hot. Of course, when you’re an addict like I was, it’s a process to develop this healthier kind of relationship. I took about a six-month break in the early stages of my recovery, which helped me start dealing with all the stuff I was trying to run away from and integrate healthier habits in my life, but my intention in writing this book was never to demonize porn. Sure, the accessibility I had to it early on and the endless novelty porn presented helped to accelerate my addiction but I could’ve just as easily turned to another vice —drugs, alcohol, food, etc. I just happened to choose this path. My problems had much less to do with the escape method I chose and much more to do with why I wanted to escape in the first place.
Read: Think Sex Addiction Sounds Fun? It Is. But It Still Ruined My Life.
PC: How has your sense of personal shame around sexuality impacted your relationship with porn and sex, and how has that relationship evolved throughout your recovery?
EG: Sometimes I would seek out porn clips that would cause me to feel shocked or disgusted -hardcore scenes that turned me on because they also turned me off. But I needed to have a sense of shame with my pleasure because that was how I discovered my first orgasms - feeling like I was doing something wrong and sinful, afraid of being caught. I didn’t know how to separate those feelings. This isn’t to say that I think there’s anything inherently wrong with hardcore porn. Desire is complex and I cast no judgement on what people like and why, but for me, I wanted to feel what it was like to have pleasure without that feeling of shame or shock or danger. Because beyond porn, when I was addicted, I would often seek those feelings in destructive relationships and risky sexual situations. I didn’t know how to have real intimacy. I would even sometimes perform in the bedroom, copying what I’d seen on the screen, not so much because I liked it but because I thought that’s what my partner might like.
PC: How can people use porn in a healthy way (and how they can determine the difference between healthy and unhealthy)?
EG: It’s for each person to decide. I can’t define what’s healthy and what’s not, or what constitutes “too much” porn, though I often get asked. I can only say what my experience was. I determined that I had an issue because when I wanted to stop watching, I felt powerless in stopping. I’d spend hours at a time, neglecting other pursuits in my life - connecting with friends and family, seeking a fulfilling career, or simply taking care of myself. I felt incredibly lonely for a really long time and afraid of people finding out who I really was. I used porn to escape difficult emotions but then I always felt empty and ashamed afterwards. That’s how I knew I needed to step away and figure out how to help myself. That discovery will look different to everyone.
"Getting Off: One Woman’s Journey through Sex & Porn Addiction" by Erica Garza, is available at all major retailers.
