9 Creative Ways to Reinforce Your D/s Dynamic Using Sex Toys

Published: JULY 30, 2018 | Updated: FEBRUARY 10, 2022
Sex toys aren't just toys for sex - they're kink toys too!

Your closet is filled with cuffs, floggers, collars, paddles and more. You and your partner (or partners!) are kinky lovers, and the words "Master" or "Mistress" can be heard around your bedroom (or your home) more than just once in awhile. You consider yourself part of a power exchange dynamic - that is, one of you is in charge while the other enjoys following instructions from that person.

To keep that dynamic fresh and in the front of your minds, you both probably play with a wide range of kinky toys. After all, that's what collars and bondage were made for! But have you ever considered expanding your “kinky toy box” to include more than just kink toys? "Ordinary" sexy toys can be a fun way to reinforce your power exchange dynamic. Consider these simple ways to incorporate your favorite sex toys into your play - or consider it inspiration to buy some new ones!


Public Play

While the idea of playing in public makes many of us a bit nervous, that's also what makes it a turn on for so many others! A lot of toys work well for discreet public play including butt plugs, Kegel balls, nipple clamps, and more. Order your partner to wear those items while they're out and about – and consider coming with them to enjoy their experience! A discreet press against the base of the plug while you're packed tightly in an elevator can be a fun way to constantly let them know who's in charge.

Read: Wanna Act Kinky in Public? Here's How to Do It Incognito

Public Play & Control

Consider this public play taken a step further! Instead of just letting your partner have passive pleasure while out in public, consider making it a more active process. Wireless vibrators and butt plugs make this a perfect chance to assert your dominance. Require your submissive to wear the items, and take the remote for yourself. Not only do you get the secret thrill of knowing that they're experiencing pleasure in the middle of the coffee shop, but you can also choose to turn the toy on and off as you please. This adds an entirely different thrill and power exchange to a simple vibrating toy. Consider adding a punishment or a reward to the playtime, depending on whether your submissive can orgasm or avoid orgasming. While I know the temptation to “surprise” your submissive with this toy is going to be strong, consider trying it out at home first. There's nothing more frustrating than finding out your new toy doesn't work ... in the middle of a shopping mall where you can't troubleshoot it. Trying it at home will let you know which clothes work best, what the range is for the remote and whether the wireless function works well at all.


Check out the best wireless options in 15 Amazing Remote-Controlled Sex Toys.

Consider "Rope Lingerie"

Learning a few basic ties with rope bondage can come in handy if you're looking to regularly assert your dominance. While you can always tie a basic "Karada" harness for your submissive to wear underneath clothing (and be reminded of their status the entire time!), you can also use rope for more devious purposes, including holding butt plugs or dildos into the body while in public. While the rope will likely be too tight to wear for long periods of time if you're using it to hold in an insertable toy, it'll work for short periods of time. It'll allow your submissive to be "full" of a pleasurable insertable while out and about. Look up tutorials on rope hip harnesses to find one that works well for your skill level (and don't forget to pick an easily-washable rope material such as cotton or nylon).

Teasing Masturbation

Your D/s sex toy play doesn't have to be limited to space outside your home! Instead, consider taking that dominant attitude into the bedroom! Instead of allowing your partner a single bit of pleasure, consider tying them up or making them watch as you enjoy sex toys on your own. Don't allow them a bit of pleasure, and don't allow them to touch you. Just torture them as they're forced to watch - and only watch - as you pleasure yourself with vibrators, dildos, plugs and anything else your heart desires! Remember that it's about the show, the denial and the tease.


Edging your Partner

Now that you've used the sex toys on yourself, what about using them on your partner? Orgasm denial and edging are a fun kink to explore. While some people prefer to do this by hand for the utmost control over their partner's pleasure, if you plan on a long edging session, you might enjoy the help that a sex toy can provide your aching joints. Let your partner crawl closer and closer to the orgasmic precipice - and then stop stimulation right before they come! Let them calm down a bit and repeat the process. This can provide a pretty intense torment after a little while. It'll keep your partner helpless and fully anticipating your next touch.

Free Download: Everything You Need to Know About Orgasm Denial

Orgasm Torture

Let's go the opposite way now! If you know your partner's pleasure triggers well, consider using sex toys to really "torture" them - and I mean that literally! Continue sexual stimulation after your partner orgasms. If they aren't capable of multiple orgasms, it's going to feel really, really intense very quickly! If they're capable of multiple orgasms, you just keep going until their body is so exhausted from multiples that they'd stop if they could! Refusing to stop pleasuring them until you're done with it - not when they're satiated - is a fun way to reinforce the D/s dynamic and show who's really in charge. Remember, though, that you can only torture someone if you've received their express consent in advance. You should also have a safeword to ensure the fun stops when they want it to.


Long-Distance Control

Don't forget about the improvements in sex toy technology! New technology affects every aspect of our everyday lives - including our sex lives! Vibrators, male masturbation sleeves, and butt plugs can all be controlled from afar with an internet connection. Yes, that's right. While your partner is away on business, you can still stay sexually connected by controlling their sex toy from afar. Or you can keep it close to home and require your partner to wear a butt plug to work - one that you can control from the comfort of your favorite chair. (Check out a review of a super-cool set of high-tech toys, the Fleshlight Launch and OhMiBod Couples' Set.)

Humiliation/Shame Play

Your sex toys can work wonders for "humiliation"-based scenes. If you frame it correctly, what would be more embarrassing than being forced to hump a dildo when a perfectly-usable biological penis in right is front of them? What could be more shame-inducing than only giving your partner 30 seconds to cum - and they either make the deadline fantastically or fail miserably? Don't forget that sex toys can open a wide range of doors into embarrassment and humiliation if that's what the two of you love!

Read: Think Humiliation's a Turn-On? Here's How to Talk to Your Partner About It


Use your Toys Tools

Some things can be hard to accomplish while you're right in the middle of the action. For instance, punishing your submissive, vagina-owning partner by only allowing a few thrusts that happen only at your command can get awfully distracting if you're using your own penis in the process. In that scenario, and in many others, consider the fun ways that sex toys can become tools for your needs. Want to make him choke on a penis while pegging him? Well, a threesome may not be in the cards, but a suction-cup dildo on the wall might be just what you need! Do you love the idea of tying up your partner and providing insane amounts of stimulation without the little bit of clitoral stimulation she needs to orgasm? Consider vibrating nipple clamps and an internal vibrator for the vagina while in the middle of anal sex.

The point is, sex toys are a tool for your use, which means they can also be used as a tool to reinforce your power exchange dynamic at any time. You just have to change how you think about them - and get creative.

One final tip: what makes any of these sex toys useful for reinforcing your dynamic is the thought process behind it. You might have planned an intricate scenario to make your partner feel submissive with a dildo, but unless you share those thoughts with her, she may just enjoy it as regular, non-dynamic time. What makes (or breaks) your scene will be the mindset of it. Make sure to be vocal and verbally remind your partner about the significance of what's going on. In addition to reinforcing your dynamic, it'll make your scene hotter too!

Mistress Kay

Mistress Kay has a fondness for all things sexual. With a house that's quickly running out of room for all of her reading and vibrating pleasures, she spends her free time reading, writing, and learning about the sexual universe with her partners. She can be reached at Kinky World.

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