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How can my partner and I have simultaneous orgasms?

Jessi Fischer
Profile Picture of Jessi Fischer Jessi Fischer is a writer, academic dilettante, public speaker and sex educator for universities, high schools and outreach organizations.   Full Bio

My husband and I are trying to have simultaneous orgasms with no luck. What's the secret?

A: Trying to have simultaneous orgasms is like straining to see one of those Magic Eye pictures, except an order of magnitude more difficult. And yet, this strange cultural myth persists that this is the way orgasms should always happen. Imagine the umpteenth iteration of some bland sex scene in a Hollywood film: The lovers meet. They kiss. Disrobing under dim lights to an emotionally tuned soundtrack. A bit of thrusting. Approximately 16 seconds later? BAM! Both parties are done with the sex race, at the exact same time. End scene, move on.

Free US delivery on sex toys, lingerie, gifts & accessoriesWhile these nicely timed narratives are great for storytelling, real life is comparatively awkward and messy. Sure, some partners come at the same time. Many people don’t. And some people feel anxious about the stark contrast between their early cinema-influenced understanding of "The Way Sex Happens" and the sometimes stumbling, uncoordinated but (potentially) delightful real-world experience.

But you didn’t write asking "What is wrong with me wanting to have WeGasms™ with my husband?" You want actual, concrete steps to possibly, maybe make this goal a reality. First thing's first: Making this a checklist item on your sex list with your partner can make it even more elusive. You may end up feeling bad every time it doesn’t happen and begin an unproductive cycle of hope and remorse and resentment.

Instead, think of it as something nice to experience but not essential. Start with mutual masturbation. Be together and focus on your own pleasure. Learn how to bring yourselves to the brink in the presence of one another and hold yourselves from going over the edge. Take that feeling and start applying it to having sex together. Either way, you’re having fun and trying something new together.

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