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How can I last longer when giving oral sex to a man?

Ducky Doolittle
Profile Picture of Ducky Doolittle Ducky DooLittle is a sex educator from NYC. She is also the author of "Sex with the Lights On: 200 Illuminating Sex Questions Answered". Ducky has appeared in the New York Times, HBO's "Real Sex", "The Morning Show", MTV, NPR, "The Howard Stern Show" and Playboy TV, to name a few.  Full Bio
Q:

I really want to make him orgasm with my mouth but my jaw gets sore when going down on him. How can I last longer despite it?

A: You are one of those awesome lovers who will give your partner pleasure despite your own discomfort. I really hope your partner has the same generous spirit that you have because you are amazing.

As for how I can help you find a more comfortable way to have your oral play? Often there are things you can do to alleviate or eliminate jaw discomfort. The best place to start is by defining what causes your soreness. Here is a list of possible factors and potential fixes.

Factor: Time
You may want to consider how much time you spend having oral sex. Some guys are very responsive and orgasm within a few minutes, other guys will take much longer, and some guys will never orgasms from oral sex at all. All of these situations are completely normal.

Fix: Ask him
Everyone has a sexual history. Ask him how long it usually takes him to orgasm from oral sex. This will let you know what to expect and how to change up your play to fit both of your needs. If he is one of the guys who never orgasms from oral, it may mean you are asking too much of yourself. Your mouth still feels good on his body, but he just does not climax this way. If he is a guy who takes a long time, then consider finding sexual positions for oral play that are more comfortable for your body, so you have more staying power.

Factor: Penis vs. Mouth Size
The average penis is about 4.5 to 6 inches long and girth can vary greatly. If your partner is on the larger side, this can make it difficult to wrap your mouth around him or take him deep.

Oral capabilities also vary, with the average depth being 3.5 inches. Plus, some people have a limited distance to which they can open their mouths, or a gag reflex that is more sensitive than the average person.

Fix: Your Hands
Guys are so responsive to a good hand job. But what do guys report we do wrong with our hand jobs? We use a dry hand. Let your saliva run. Messy can be sexy. Or use a quality silicone lube. Silicone lube has no taste and no scent. Once lubed up, use your hand in a nice, consistent pumping motion to create the kind of friction men crave. Then just let your mouth work the head of his penis; circle your tongue around his head and frenulum while your hand does the bulk of the work.

Factor: Dental Issues
Some people experience pain in their jaw because they have dental issues that have gone untreated.

Fix: See Your Dentist
You can also take the opportunity to ask your dentist for more advice on how to alleviate jaw pain.

Factor: Stress
You may carry stress in your jaw, causing you to clench or grind your teeth. This stress can carry down the neck and into the shoulders as well. This kind of stress can make it difficult to open your mouth wide, to hold your mouth open for a period of time or can cause pain and popping in the jaw joints.

Fix: Care & Attention
Look for ways you can alleviate stress in your life. Address any issues you may have around depression and anxiety as well. This will take time and work, but if stress is affecting your jaw, it is probably having an impact on other areas of your life (and sex life!) as well.

Also seek to develop good posture. Do you sit all day at work? Do you rest your chin on your hand? There may be ergonomic issues that you can address.

Some people find relief through self-massage, stretching and exercising the jaw a few times day. Try this: slide your lower jaw from right to left 20 times. Slide your lower jaw straight forward and back 20 times. Finally, open and close your mouth as wide as you comfortably can 20 times.

Another exercise is called the N stretch. Put your tongue in the position you use to pronounce the N sound, at the roof of your mouth, just before your teeth. With your tongue in that position, open your jaw as far as you comfortably can and hold it for six seconds. Do six repetitions, a couple of times a day. You might also try leaving your tongue relaxed in the N position if you are trying to stop tension and clenching throughout the day.

Finally, if you grind your teeth in your sleep, consider getting a mouth guard to wear at night. You can talk to your dentist about being fitted for one or you can find them in stores.

Factor: Temporomandibular Disorders (TMD)
People often refer to this as TMJ, which is actually just an abbreviation for the temporomandibular joint, not the disorder itself. TMD means you have a problem with your jaw joint, bones, muscles or connective tissue. TMD can cause pain, migraine headaches, ringing in your ears, popping in the joint and locking of the jaw joint. It can be hard to diagnose and may have various causes, such as arthritis, or a jaw or neck injury. TMD can be temporary or it can be ongoing, but for most people it can be solved with a little care and attention.

Fix: More Care & Attention
Try any of the suggestions above, but resting your jaw will deliver the best results. Stop having oral sex for a few weeks. In that time, also avoid sleeping in ways that put pressure on your jaw, avoid playing instruments that put pressure on the jaw, eat soft foods, avoid chewing ice or gum, and don’t chew on pencils or fingernails. If your pain is persistent, see your doctor.

As with any issue related to your health and sexuality, you are the expert on your body. Do the work to care for you. We all want to aim to find as much pleasure as possible when giving pleasure to our partners. Being the eager pleaser that you are, you deserve that!

Have a question? Ask Ducky here.

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