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Where can a submissive and dominant go to play safely together?

Cara Sutra
Profile Picture of Cara Sutra Cara Sutra writes at her own sexuality magazine, as well as acting as professional copywriter for many high-profile adult industry publications, both online and in print. Her magazine style website is a combination of her personal sex blog, sex, relationship and fetish advice articles, erotic fiction, sex industry news as well as a large number of adult product and sex toy reviews.  Full Bio

Is there a location that a sub/dom can go that is safe and can act as a neutral place for the safety of both parties?

A: I’m unsure of whether you mean a physical location or a metaphorical/psychological one, so I’ll cover both aspects. It’s interesting that you’ve specified the need for safety of both the submissive and Dominant parties; it’s easy to forget how important it is to feel safe at all times.

First, let's deal with physical safety. Every time that you dabble in BDSM, it’s imperative to only "session" with those who conduct their activities with others safely, sanely and consensually. For your own safety, you should negotiate a safeword beforehand, which is a word that can be said at any time during the activities. When you say it, it means stop right away. This is a word that wouldn’t normally be said during kinky play, so words like "no" and "stop" are not appropriate as safewords. You may decide to opt for the "traffic lights" system instead, where "red" means stop, "amber" means let’s stop and talk about this, and "green" means full steam ahead.

In most cases, BDSM is not a practice that you should undertake casually, with strangers. Safety is top priority, so avoid getting into BDSM activities with new people you don’t know very well and more importantly, with people you don't know at all.

With this in mind, it’s often wise to choose a physical BDSM play location other than your own home. In the (hopefully very unlikely) event that you feel unsafe physically, emotionally or otherwise, it would be very awkward and difficult to put an end to the session if it’s taking place in your bedroom or even in your lounge. Someone else’s home can be just as unsafe if events take a turn for the worse.

You can use the Internet to find out about local munches, which are friendly meet-ups for the kinky minded to make new friends, get to know each other and chat without pressure. For events where you can safely get active in your Dominant or submissive role, look up fetish clubs and BDSM events. These usually involve a large number of attendees as well as staff, who are there to assist with any trouble, minimizing the chance of potential non-consensual harm, physically or otherwise.

As a final assurance of safety, even at a well attended and chaperoned club, it may give you added peace of mind to take a trusted friend with you. You may also make arrangements to have an emergency contact on standby that you can call up to collect you immediately if you need to be removed from a situation.

BDSM, by its very nature, makes the most of our vulnerabilities, with an exciting, enjoyable and, above all, consensual intent. Dominants, submissives and switches enjoy experiencing the thrills that come with power exchange and physical and mental control of another. Make sure you’re completely happy to hand over your control to another before putting yourself in any situation where you might feel uncomfortable, frightened or even just unhappy. That would go against everything that BDSM is meant to be.

Have a question? Ask Cara here.

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