OK, that actually sounds really good!
(BDSM and bondage helps some people stay in moment as well. If you're into it, it's worth a try!)
Set the Scene
When we are not feeling great about ourselves it is particularly tricky to transition from “regular day” to “bow chicka bow wow,” so let the transition be a thing. In "Come As You Are," Emily Nagoski talks about responsive desire, or desire that is triggered by sexy circumstances/situations. What that means is that if you want to feel sexy, you may need to set the scene. Get some music going: Marvin Gaye, Barry White, Nine Inch Nails, The Wiggles ... I’m not judging, whatever does it for you! According to this study, 40% of people said that music was more important to their arousal than their partner's body and touch. Light some candles if that’s your thing. I always set out the toys and accessories I know will equal a good time: my favorite wand, a paddle. Create the circumstances that make you feel sexy and help you get out of your own anxiety and into your arousal.
Talk to Your Partner About Your Insecurities
To be filed under “so simple it sounds like it couldn’t possibly work” is talking to your partner about your feelings. I know, I know, telling someone you are having sex with that you're afraid your ass is a turn-off doesn’t sound super sexy but it can do wonders to put your mind at ease. I struggled with this one myself for two reasons:
- Under normal (outside the bedroom) circumstances my partner saying “I think you’re hot” does nothing for me when I’m feeling unattractive because my feelings of inadequacy are coming from me and someone else’s opinion doesn’t change them.
- I’m non-monogamous, so I had to have this conversation twice.
But, you know what? I took the chance and it totally worked. Here’s why: My imagination was running wild as to what my partners might have been thinking about my new body. Talking to them about it brought that to end because I was forced to hear what they were actually thinking. The verdict: Neither felt that having more of me to love could be a bad thing and I’m pretty sure they are far from the only people who feel this way about their partner. We all tend to be harder on ourselves than anyone else. So, before you assume anyone is thinking anything, ask them!
Wear Things That Make You Feel Good
Read that carefully. I didn’t say “dress sexy” or “wear lingerie.” I said “wear things that make YOU feel good”. As Elle says, “we are inherently sexy,” but I firmly believe that you can set that up to shine through by ensuring that you feel like the best version of yourself. What makes you feel good? If it’s lingerie or other sexy wear, go for it. If it’s a great pair of jeans, rock on. If it’s a terrific bathrobe, get it! If you feel good, you’ll be in a much better position to get sexy.
Remember folks, we deserve to enjoy our sex lives now. Not when we are a different size, NOW. We are all beautiful and sexy and worthy of pleasure. So, let’s turn down the volume on our inner critics and turn up the volume on our inner hedonists. Have fun folks, and above all, be kind to yourselves.
