5 Tips For Practicing Intentional Aftercare

Aftercare is the practice of making sure everyone involved in a sexual or kinky experience feels safe and cared for post-play. While the term is primarily used within BDSM communities as the final aspect of a scene — this practice can be integrated into all kinds of sex.

During sex, especially if you had an orgasm, a huge rush of endorphins and oxytocin will flood your body, and when these chemicals suddenly dissipate, it can cause a strong emotional response. In BDSM this can often be referred to as sub/top drop. Studies have found that people commonly report feeling tearful or anxious after sex, for no tangible reason. Not having a nurturing space to decompress after a sexual experience can impact people psychologically and physically.

This is where aftercare comes into the scenario! Providing care for one another while those hormones are returning to normal levels will allow it to feel less shocking.

While aftercare might come more seamlessly for long-term or regular play partners — everyone deserves this kind of nurturance, even when the relationship is casual. That means yes, friends-with-benefits and one-time hookups still need this attentive and intentional care. Here are some tips on navigating aftercare with your casual cuties.

Talk About the Experience Together

While consent and talking about desires prior to sex is incredibly important — so is the debrief. You can tell your partner or partners what you liked, what didn’t work so well, if a certain position was painful, or if you want there to be a next time. These conversations will enhance your pleasure in the long run because everyone — whether top, bottom, submissive, or dominant — is given the space to share how the experience was for them.

It could be that you negotiated a very specific scene you’d never done together and it didn’t feel as amazing as you thought it might. Especially when navigating sex or kink play with a new partner, people might realize their communication styles are different throughout sex. Maybe one partner likes continual check-ins while the other prefers to rely on body language. Aftercare communication allows those needs to be talked about honestly.

Read: BDSM 101 Tutorial - The Importance of Communication

Engage in Non-Sexual Physical Intimacy

Oxytocin (also known as the love hormone) is released post-sex and it can make you want to nap, get comfortable, and snuggle. It’s what causes you to crave continued physical connection with your partner(s) after sex. Oxytocin also can enhance an emotional connection between people, if you’re open to it.

Offering cuddles to your partner(s) is comparative to the savasana pose in yoga — if you left a yoga class without this final resting pose, you might feel raw and emotional. Physical intimacy aftercare can come in many forms — maybe you love cuddling, but, if not, try taking a shower together, watching a movie or TV show in bed, giving a long hug, or curling up separately under a fuzzy blanket.