The act of having sex, even when it wasn't desired, led to stronger relationships, but only if individuals were doing so in order to maintain a good relationship. The individuals involved (the study involved 396 people) seemed to understand the connection between intimacy and overall relationship satisfaction. They had sex in order to strengthen or maintain their relationship.
There is a myth that desire arises spontaneously for all individuals. One kiss and we're ready to throw off the clothes. Spontaneous desire is more likely to happen for men than women, while most women experience something Emily Nagoski refers to as responsive desire. In other words, desire arises in response to actions, touch, or other stimuli. What this means is that women who don't feel like having sex may find themselves more enthusiastic if they are willing to engage in some of the preliminaries in order to create feelings of desire.
In my book, "Inviting Desire," I offer suggestions for things women can say to open themselves to more sexual possibilities, such as "I'm not sure I'm in the mood, but I'm willing to try some cuddling, kissing, touching, and see how I feel." This kind of statement allows for the possibility of intimacy while clarifying that the speaker has that option to change her mind. It indicates a willingness to connect and the awareness that desire could arise as a result.
Sex Makes Our Partners Happy
Sometimes we have sex even if we're not in the mood for the simple act of pleasing a partner. And that's a great reason, as long as it's not driven by a sense of obligation. The intimate bonds created between two people are based on respect, love or affection, and a desire to both give pleasure and find pleasure in taking care of a partner's needs. Because you care, you want to make them feel good. It's the gift without expectation, the paying it forward, the act of love.
There will always be times when we don't think having sex is worth the time, the effort, the reward, or whatever (insert your usual reason). In those moments, we may forget the many benefits associated with a satisfying sexual relationship. See if you can figure out what gets in the way of your desire for sex. What might make it better? What do you need or want to do? How can you create the environment, emotionally or physically, to allow for the blossoming of sexual desire?