Most people identified as female at birth spend the majority of their growing years taught to be demure, serving, soft, submissive, and gentle. So the idea of being "in charge" - and responsible for a scene - can be downright terrifying - even if you've been fantasizing about it every night. Reality is rarely the same as fantasy.

However, as nervous and/or terrified as you might be of being in charge, I'm here to tell you that it's not as hard as you're imagining - if you mess up, your partner probably won't even notice. Even for women who have been fantasizing about being the one who calls the shots, the nervousness of "failure" can keep them from taking that step for a long time - or being afraid of even trying. I know because I was that woman.

These suggested scenes would have gone a lot way towards helping me feel more comfortable being in charge. Even now, I tend to go into most of my femdom play sessions with a general "outline" of what I want to do - if only to make sure all of the toys I want are clean and available. (There's nothing like wanting a favorite toy, like the Hot Octopuss Pulse Duo Lux, and finding that it wasn't recharged since last time.) You don't have to go nuts with it, but having a general plan can help you feel less nervous - a bit more confident about what's going on.

Once you've tried out a few of these basic scenes and start to feel more comfortable, you might find yourself branching off. Maybe you just want to repeat these scenes - and modify to your desires that day. That's okay too! Take these basic outlines as tools you can sculpt and modify to fit into what YOU want as a femdom - because that's entirely the point!

Femdom Scenes: Some Basic Info

Let's talk about the basic information before you head into the fun stuff. First off, you'll notice that most of these scenes involve blindfolding your partner. There's a reason for that. When you remove your partner's scene of sight, it means they can't watch you. For nervous beginners, this in itself is a godsend. Not only that, but removing the sense of sight means every other touch is amplified, so everything you do will feel more pleasurable and intense to them. Blindfolds are your friend; I recommend using them as much as possible.

Read: Blind, Deaf, Mute: Sensory Deprivation Play

Second, these scenes specifically mention genders and body parts. If your genders and body parts don't align with the examples, don't fret. Just twist around the suggested scenes to fit what works for you and your partner. Each one of the examples would take even longer to explain than they already are if I covered every possible gender and body option. The idea is to take the basic ideas and fit them into what you want. After all, that's the whole point of femdom!

Third, all of these scenarios assume that you and your partner have discussed your power exchange ahead of time - and have set up a safe word in case anyone feels uncomfortable with the situation. Choosing to tie someone up or blindfold someone with no prior discussion can lead to a pretty disappointing ending - especially if your partner's answer is "Hell no!" - and it can be a violation of consent.

Instead, long before you plan on bringing these fantasies to life, sit down and discuss these ideas with your partner. You don't need to disclose the whole scene if you don't have it planned out or want it to be a surprise, but basic negotiation usually means that you discuss for (and get consent for) the basic activities you think you'll include like "Are you okay being bound?"

Fourth, you'll notice a distinct lack of scenarios that revolve around the dominant being the sole focus of the scene. You, of course, are free to change around anything to make sure you are the sole focus - there's nothing "submissive" about being the center of pleasure. However, I've found that most femdom beginners who are nervous about dominating a partner are even more nervous if you make them the center of attention in any given scene - especially if receiving all that pleasure means they need to be stationary and rely more on verbal instructions. That's why these scenarios focus on the submissive partner; it makes it a whole lot easier to get outside of your own head, focus on actions, and add your pleasure in later-on in ways that are likely familiar to you already.

Read: A Shy Girl's Guide to Domination

Now that we have the basics out of the way, let's get to the fun stuff: 3 scenes for a beginner femdom to try:

Scene 1: Control His Orgasm

Even if you're still new to the idea of controlling your partner, a lot of wannabe-femdoms have given handjobs and controlled the pace of their partner's orgasm before. In this scene, let's take that to a new level.

To start, after he consents to a bit of power exchange, you're going to tell him that you're going to take control of him for a bit. Tell him that, if he's good, you'll let him have his way with you after you're done, but if he doesn't obey, well, you'll both have to try this again another night, won't you?

Once he's agreed to your "terms", have him lay down or sit in the way that's most comfortable for you. Add a blindfold, and tell him he's not allowed to move a single body part without permission. (If he tends to have issues staying still, you might want to pick a specific body part - or require him to hold something in his hands. The idea is to keep some command on his mind at all times.)

And if he moves? He loses.

Now that he's completely at your mercy and can't even see you, you have free run of his body. This is all about what YOU want to do with his body. You can choose to run a feather over his body. You can choose to trail your fingers and fingernails down sensitive areas. You can choose to get out the massage oil and massage his body. You can use a vibrator, like the Hot Octopuss Pulse Solo Lux, on his penis to try to get him to move from pleasure. You can choose to gently tickle his most sensitive areas until you reach his genitals and still force him to stay still while you touch him or give him oral sex. If you're a bit more devious, you can even tickle those tickle spots and see if you can “make” him lose. It's up to you.

If you'd like to up the ante, feel free to have a small paddle or riding crop, and give him a small swat on the thighs or butt every time he moves. You can also use your hand and give him a light slap to whatever body part he improperly moved. Keep in mind that impact play of any kind should first be discussed with your partner ahead of time - like we mentioned above.

Tired of your game? It's not supposed to last forever, so that's normal! To easily transition into the rest of your playtime, anytime you'd like to, feel free to lean down and whisper how much you've enjoyed playing with him, how hot it is to watch him try to obey like that, and how you'd like to see how good he can make you feel now.

You can lay back and let him pleasure you, or you can take some of that dominating energy and be a bit-more in-charge during whatever resulting sex acts happen now.

Read: Life on the Edge: Edging and Why You Deserve It

Scene 2: Basic Bondage

Bondage doesn't have to be difficult - or hard - and you can use some basic bondage ideas to enhance sex activities that you've likely done with your partner before in the past.

After getting his permission for some power exchange, I recommend starting this scene with him laying out on the bed - naked. You can certainly start with him clothed, but getting a clothed man naked while he's tied up is pretty darn hard.

Use whatever bondage restraints you happen to have. If you have a leg spreader, ankle cuffs or wrist cuffs - use those! If all you have is a thick winter scarf, you can still tie up his wrists above his head with a double-column tie. (Easy to search on YouTube!) If you have something in-between, you can use that as well. Remember, it's all about what YOU want to see him doing and looking like; I just highly recommend that you think ahead to any activities you want to do to ensure that his bound form will still work for what you want. For example, if you want to enjoy some Female Superior sex positions, tying his wrists to his thighs may get in the way.

Once your partner is tied up, toss that blindfold onto his face. Don't have a blindfold? A clean shirt - or even a worn pair of panties - all works too. Get creative and do what you want to see.

With your partner tied up, blindfolded, and at your mercy, you can now do what you want to do. Whatever you want to do (and is within his boundaries) is entirely appropriate, but I certainly have some fun suggestions:

  • Toy with his nipples including pinching and squeezing. If you have nipple clamps, this can be a fun time to put them onto him, too.
  • Slide the Hot Octopuss Pulse Duo Lux onto his penis and strap the remote onto your wrist. This remote-controlled penis vibrator can constantly pleasure him while you have the remote on your wrist to instantly control it. Since the Duo Lux comes with two remotes, you can always tease him by putting one of the remotes on his wrist and giggling as you remind him that he can't even use it (since he's tied up).
  • If you want to have a bit of extra fun, if he asks for more pleasure while under the Pulse Duo Lux's embrace, put your wrist remote near his hand and tell him that he only gets one button press. See which button he happens to press, and enjoy his satisfaction or disappointment when he ends up turning it off.
  • (It's worth noting that the Hot Octopuss Pulse Duo Lux can be used when he's flaccid or erect. Especially if your partner's penis isn't getting firm that day, this vibe can still be a great addition to your teasing scene.)
  • Use your favorite sex toy on yourself - and be verbal about it. He won't be able to see or touch; he'll only be able to hear as you enjoy yourself.
  • Want to make him really want you? Consider edging him and teasing him over and over? You can do it with the Hot Octopuss Pulse Duo Lux or any other way you want. After awhile of this, he'll be putty for you to play with.

When you're ready to end your scene, you, of course, can end it however you want. If you're fond of receiving oral sex, I recommend sliding up to sit on his face - and maybe even being nice enough to release one of his hands to allow him to stroke himself while he pleasures you with the firm instruction that he isn't allowed to orgasm until you are satisfied.

Alternatively, having him nicely tied up on the bed also makes his penis entirely accessible. If you feel like some sex, this is a great time to slide on top. (If his erection isn't in the cards right now, you can always put a strap-on harness onto his body and use that instead. Erection isn't a necessity for great intercourse!)

Read: 8 Bondage Sex Positions from Simple to Extreme!

Scene 3: She's Your Sex Toy

At the heart of many submissive fantasies is the longing to be "owned" or "objectified". That is, to be taken and used as something that's specifically designed for the femdom's pleasure. This simple scenario takes advantage of that longing in a simple, fun-to-do way. This will be the most "dominant"-feeling of the options, but you can dial things down to fit within your comfort level at any point.

This type of scene should happen at a time when you're aroused and you're looking for some playtime with your partner. Pick a time when your partner isn't already poking at you with arousal - but they also have the open time to comfortably enjoy a sexual encounter with you. (You know the times - don't pick when she's busy with a project from work, but instead, pick a time when you're feeling amorous after an intense episode of your favorite show.)

Now that the time is right, you're going to make it known that you're turned on. You can start giving him cues - such as getting more touchy or pushing yourself against her - or you can choose to just be upfront and say you want to use her body for your own pleasure. No matter which path you choose, though, as long as you're dominant without being unreasonable, you'll likely find that your partner is more than willing to go along with your idea.

How would YOU like to be pleasured today? This entire scene is all about treating your partner like a (consenting) object, so as long as you know it isn't on their limits list and you both know your safe words, the world is your oyster. Do you want your sub to strap-on a dildo so you can ride her? Do that. Do you want to make her your glorified sex-toy-holder while she holds a wand you sit on while she makes out with you and plays with your breasts? Do that. Do you just want to lay back and enjoy as she pleasures you within you lifting a finger? Do that one.

The important part is that she's supposed to feel like your "toy" that exists for your pleasure. You don't have to go all-out with the verbal language (as, remember, we talked about how that can make people nervous?), but by being upfront and demanding about what you want - and expecting them to provide it - it can feel objectifying for them (in a good way!).

Don't be afraid to add a blindfold or bondage unless it gets in the way of your plans. After all, making her unable to sit while she's forced to be a sex toy holster can be a very fun way to make sure she "knows her place" as your submissive.

If you truly think she'll enjoy being purely a "sex toy", don't let your partner orgasm after you're satisfied. Sex toys don't cum, after all. On the other hand, if you want to see their explosive pleasure, have at it. You make the rules here.

No matter what you end up doing in any of these scenes, as long as you have your partner's consent and you're in charge, you're doing femdom right.

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