The Emotional Weight of Physical Bondage

Standing by as a curious onlooker, or if you are new to the BDSM scene, you might be wondering why people are into bondage. The ties involved range from simple to elaborate, from a wrist tie to a body harness and more. What's the allure? What's in it for the people involved? Much of what we see when it comes to bondage, especially when it’s as an observer versus a participant, revolves around the visible aesthetics and the perception of what it might feel like to be physically restrained. Yet, that outwardly visual image belies the deeper connection formed between the one doing the tying, and the one being tied. It's not always about dominance. It's not always about sexual gratification. And, while some readers might be familiar with bondage as an act of intimacy, for others, the emotional aspect of rope-work might come as a surprise.

My partner Lily and I have been engaged in bondage play for about two years now. To be honest, it's been very much a learning experience for both of us. When the subject was broached over an IM conversation online, there was a good deal of apprehension involved. My main fear was that such a deep-seated personal act might evoke a sense of dread or fear from the girl I was opening up to.

The Stigma Involved With Bondage

There is still a definite stigma attached to any sort of “deviant” sensual practice, regardless of whether or not the act is actually deviant. Images of power play, rough sex, dominance (or even enslavement) often pop to the forefront. It is an indication of miseducation and misrepresentation linked to how we are socialized to think about intimacy and sensual acts.

And notice that in the last paragraph I used the word "sensual" twice as opposed to SEXUAL. There is a difference. Sensual play evokes emotions and plays with how the senses might be enthralled and eventually released. It does not rely on sex, although sexuality and sexual energy does indeed come into play. Rather than devolve the act of bondage play to an aspect of sex, sensual acts rely on the broader world of emotion and, above all, trust.

Make no mistake - those first few, awkward moments when we unfurled a length of rope and set to work were a mess of butchered knots, miscommunication, and laughter when we were done. We were friends playing with something new, and poking fun at our relative inexperience and mistakes. As with everything, the bondage itself wasn’t awkward in and of itself. It was us testing our own limits, establishing (or breaking down) boundaries, and learning from one another for next time. There were plenty of next times involved. Two years later and we have it down to a science more than an art, but in the process the sensual aspects have evolved into something far greater than simply tying each other up. We have found ways to channel ourselves into both giving and receiving, and have developed a deeper bond than I think either of us might have known.

Why Bondage?

While our story may or may not be a common thread among bondage partnerships, it still begs the question as to why we do this. What do we feel when we are engaged in rope-play? Why does it form such a powerful bond in our friendship and beyond? Why do we use rope when we could share any number of other hobbies that we have in common?

Lily and I both function as “switches” in this relationship. Both of us have experienced tying as well as being tied. We offer you one possible answer: symbolism. Bondage can symbolize placing physical trust in a partner. It is endemic to the entire practice, and frequently cited as a major aspect of why partners incorporate it into their sensual acts.

With a simple wrist tie or blindfold bringing physical form to the bond of trust, it can also bring physicality to internal feelings of struggle; and that, in turn, provides catharsis. By overlaying the stress of daily life, the frustration of rejection, or the battle against life’s little roadblocks onto the physical act of struggling or feeling restricted, it adds a tangible element to intangible emotions. It pulls abstract ideas into the physical world, and offers at least one method by which the struggle can become a real thing that we can overcome.

Using Physical Bondage to Overcome Emotional Bondage

When I'm feeling that I'm struggling at work, or frustrated by administrative delays, being tied can help me release that pent-up frustration. It gives me something to fight against, something physical I can do. It turns the abstract into something that can be challenged, fought against, and struggled with. I can even see if I can release the ties, and if I release the ties, it feels like I can overcome the more abstract ties. That is to say, it feels like I can overcome the feelings I've been struggling with.