Because We Need to Talk About It In a Way That's Meaningful
Differentiating conversations about sex from meaningful conversations about sex is the key to exploring this topic. We are inundated with sex in the media - which celebrity is doing whom, what’s "sexy," etc. - but rarely are those conversations conducive to more pleasure, better health and greater wellbeing.
Sexual health consultant Francisco Ramirez says, "Implicit and explicit messages about sex ricochet all around us constantly. We hear, and internalize, many messages about human sexuality, from the time we are pre-pubescent to the time we are grown adults. The truth is, however, that many of these beliefs don’t work for us and never have. Unquestioned, these messages lead to the assumptions that we make about another’s sexuality and that others make about our sexuality."
Many people get inaccurate sex information. I got an email from someone recently - and this was not the first - asking me if masturbation could cause disease (the answer is no, it does not). I realize that when I teach people about sex, I’m not just presenting people with information. There is a lot of un-learning that needs to happen for many of us in order to build the body of knowledge that actually makes our lives more wonderful.
It's Revolutionary
Talking about sex can have large implications. Ramirez explains: "Talking about sex … is both a revolutionary and necessary act. Doing so not only allows us to communicate our sexual turn-ons, desires, and boundaries, but it also allows us to eclipse and undo whatever assumptions we, and our partners, have."
Reproductive health specialist Gareth Durrant agrees. "I think talking about sex is an important political statement … I'm loud and proud about sex when others aren't ready to be."
This is what I call being a "beacon of permission." By sending the message to others that we are safe, nonjudgmental people with whom to have these discussions, we are communicating that others have permission to ask, listen and learn too. Kirkman refers to this as a "community of practice," highlighting that there’s a larger mission to what we are promoting, rather than some eyebrow-raising titillation.
Durrant elaborates, "When I put myself out there and talk about sex publicly, it both normalizes and legitimizes sex. But the best stuff is the quiet work that goes on after. I'm the one that people text when they have missed a period … or Facebook message for advice when their young nephew is about to come out to his conservative parents."
So, what does talking about sex really mean?
Some clear themes emerge from these responses. First, sex educators encounter a great deal of confusion, misinformation and suffering around sexuality. But we've also seen how talking about sex (in an educational, meaningful way) can elicit clarity, understanding and even joy.
Most of us want to do work that makes the world a better place and we want to work toward that end in a way that leverages our strengths. For beacons of permission like us, one of those key strengths is helping people feel comfortable talking about things they might not otherwise discuss and shedding light on taboo topics.
But it doesn't really matter if you're a professional sex educator or just a trusted friend. Anyone can talk about sex, and you can make a real difference in people’s lives by having these meaningful conversations. Getting clear about why these conversations are important is a valuable first step.
