I faked every single orgasm from the age of 18 to 32. All of them. True story. Changing my ways taught me a few things along the way.

Recently, I watched a friend of mine have a very sexual, sensual experience with a man I know capable of giving a woman a mind-blowing orgasm. Something about the sounds she made and the way her body moved struck me.

“Did you fake your orgasm?” I asked later.

Her look of chagrin told me everything.

“Don’t do that! If he thinks something works for you, he’s going to keep doing it. Just tell him!”

After she finished blushing and stammering, she said she’d never thought of it that way.

I hadn’t either, until I took my orgasms into my own hands a few years ago.

Orgasms - nearly every woman (and a few men) has faked at least a few. Whether we’re just trying to end things quickly with a less-than-wonderful sexual partner or we think it’s something we’re supposed to do, faked orgasms do much more than what we intend. Every time we fake it, we teach our partner that we’re enjoying whatever they’re doing, which means we’re having not-so-good sex. It also teaches us that our own sexual pleasure is somehow less important than not hurting our partner’s feelings. I made a promise to myself years ago. I will never fake another orgasm again.

Why We Fake Orgasms

We actually fake orgasms for several reasons, and not all of them are about bad sex.

  • We really want to get the moment over with.
  • We realize we’re not going to have an orgasm, but don’t want to disappoint our partner.
  • We think that’s what we’re supposed to do.
  • We are afraid or don’t know how to tell our partner what we want.
  • We don’t really know what an orgasm feels like, but this is what people sound like in movies (both porn and mainstream).

For years, I faked my orgasms because I really just wanted to get sex over with (sad, but true) and frankly, I didn’t really know what orgasms felt like so I did what I thought I was supposed to do. There was thrashing. There was moaning. There were plenty of “Oh yes, oh God!” screams, but there was no build up. No release. No curled toes. Nothing that I attribute to an orgasm today.

I was having awful sex and didn’t want to say anything about it. I was having sex to keep the fighting at a minimum. I most definitely wanted it to be over and done with and knew that if I made a bunch of noise, he’d think he’d done something right. Hell, for many years, my poor ex-husband probably believed that all women can orgasm simultaneously with their partner.

I did neither of us any favors with all those faked orgasms.

Communication = More Orgasms and Better Sex

Let’s assume that your faked orgasms are because your partner isn’t touching you the way you want. They’re not hitting the right spot. Hell, maybe they’re hitting it, but giving up too soon. Either way, you’re not having an orgasm during foreplay, during sex, or anytime that you’re together with your partner. There’s a fix for this that’s both simple and excruciatingly difficult (at least at first).

You’re going to have to tell your partner what to do right.

Berating them for forgetting your clit when they finger you is one method, but not one I recommend. You could nudge their hand over and say, “Here.” Sexting is also a good way. You’re swapping dirty talk and you’re telling them to stroke your clit, pinch your nipples, smack your ass, or whatever it is that does it for you.

My favorite way to teach someone how to touch me the right way is to show them. Mutual masturbation is erotic but it’s also highly educational. If you’ve got a regular masturbation habit (you do, don’t you?), you know how to touch yourself better than anyone. Show your partner what you like. If nothing else, you’ll be guaranteed at least one orgasm.

If Your Partner Doesn’t Care About Your Pleasure, Why Are You With Them?

You’ve told your partner what you need. You’ve shown them how to touch you. You’ve moved their hand, face and body into position. There’s no way they don’t know what to do.

And yet, nothing has changed.

They aren’t taking their time to get you warmed up and ready. They refuse to do things that you enjoy. They aren’t willing to try new techniques or toys if it means that you’ll orgasm.

I have one question for you.

Why are you still with this person? Sex should be about mutual pleasure. In the best relationships I’ve been in and witnessed, each person enjoys the other’s pleasure as much as their own, sometimes more.

If you're still faking orgasms to keep someone happy, it might be time to ask yourself why - and re-evaluate the relationship.

What to Do Instead of Faking It

You don’t have to fake your orgasms. You have options.

For me, I found a partner who cared about my pleasure. I also just stopped faking it. That’s it. I stopped.

Sounds radical, doesn’t it?

Believe me, if you’ve been faking it with a partner and you suddenly stop, they’re going to notice. Be prepared to talk about it at some point, ideally when both of you have clothes on again.

It’s a weird and hard conversation to have, especially if you’ve been fucking and faking it for a while, but it’s necessary. Tell them you want to try new and different things. This, by the way, is a great opportunity to bring up any fantasies you’ve been having or new kinky things you want to try.

Show your partner how to touch you. Masturbate for them. Do it together. Grab their hand and guide. Make it fun for both of you.

In other words, stop faking it and get to work on making the real thing happen.

How My Sex Life Got Better the Moment I Stopped Faking It

It wasn’t until after my divorce that I had my first newly single sexual experience and finally decided I wouldn’t fake orgasms anymore. He’d either do something different or we’d figure it out together, but I wasn’t going to soothe potentially hurt feelings or handle impatience with faked pleasure anymore.

How did that work out?

I got quiet during sex and foreplay. If it didn’t move me, I didn’t make a sound. Most of the men I’ve had sex with over the years seemed to enjoy the challenge. If they got a little noise out of me (knowing I’m a naturally loud person), they wanted more.

They experimented and tried new things. They twisted and turned our bodies into strange and wonderful positions. They licked and sucked and nipped with their mouths. They put their whole body into the effort of bringing me pleasure. It was glorious.

Oh, don’t be mistaken, I did the same thing for them. Hands on cocks. Nails scraping down backs. Hips pushing forward. Back arching. Absolutely. Pleasure is a two way street.

Once I stopped faking it and (as I grew more comfortable) began communicating what I liked and didn’t, we both tried harder. I had more satisfying sexual experiences. I certainly had more orgasms.

The thing to remember with faked orgasms is that you’re teaching your partner bad information. You’re teaching them that you like what they’re doing. You’re teaching them that certain actions bring you to orgasm when they don’t. You’re teaching them that they don’t have to do anything different to get a reaction out of you. You’re also teaching yourself that your pleasure is somehow not important or worthy of any effort.

Not every sexual encounter ends in an orgasm, and that’s OK. But they shouldn’t end in faked orgasms, either. You’re not helping yourself or your partner when you fake it. After having experienced real orgasms, true sexual satisfaction, and plenty of pleasure, I will never fake another orgasm again.