Shaming and finger-pointing are awful
tactics to use with kids. On top of teaching young people to judge
and bully others, it ruins a parent's credibility. It's bad enough
that children will grow up believing it's normal to speak negatively
of others, but they may also come to see their parents' comments for what they're worth. Even before I hit my teen years, I knew
there had to be more to these “slutty” or “sick” individuals
than what my mom assumed from their sexual practices alone.
If you can't say something positive
about other humans in front of your children, don't say anything at
all. Teens will run into enough bullying and judgment as they
navigate adolescence. Teach young people to rise above external
pettiness and engage with individuals who have different tastes and
lifestyles. Practicing acceptance instills essential personality
traits, like kindness and confidence, that build happier, more stable
young adults.
Give Teens Freedom (And Quench
Their Urge to Rebel)
Americans are known for keeping teen
sexuality in a cage. Our peers across the ocean have long known that
caging such natural, instinctual desires simply doesn't work. Many
parents in Scandinavian countries, for example, permit co-ed
sleepovers (note that the legal age of consent in Scandinavia is between 15 and 16) and find that their children are more likely to practice healthy judgement in their sexual behavior. Many American families still
function under the idea that repression is the best method in
child-rearing. The joke is on them when the kids finally move out.
Like a caged puppy, teenagers will bounce off the walls of rebellion
once released.
My mother thought that preventing her
kids from even coming across the opportunity to rebel would kick our
devious streaks. When I finally got to college, I could hardly
concentrate on my classes. Instead, I scrambled to experience all the things I'd missed out on as a teenager my freshman year, trying everything I felt I was
denied while living at home. I felt justified because these choices
were finally mine, but
realistically, my need to run wild was a product of stunted
growth; of being released from my cage.
The key is to teach your kids how to
question their decisions when they leave the nest. Instead of
punishing your daughter for sneaking out in her mini skirt, ask her
why she enjoys wearing it. Is it because she's been pressured by
peers or her crush, or does she love the way it compliments her legs?
Regardless of her answer, allow her to wear the skirt. She'll respect
you for giving her freedom of choice while contemplating the lesson
you'd like to instill. If your daughter decides she isn't wearing that mini skirt for positive reasons, it'll be in the trash in no time. Either way, she'll retain the confidence earned in
making a grown-up decision on her own. (Read about one sex positive parent in Why I Decided to Teach My 6-Year-Old About Condoms.)
Do The Unthinkable – EARN Your
Child's Respect
Kids are expected to simply trust in
and obey every parental command based on the rule of
Because-I-Said-So. Respect for adults isn't supposed to be something
earned, but rather granted on account of age difference. My mother
believed that her age was enough to justify her negative views on
sex; that with age automatically comes the ability (and the right) to
judge what's sexually right and wrong for others.
Mom prided herself on being a prude
throughout her teen years. She bragged about never rebelling, telling
stories of her disinterest in the free-loving, joint-rolling days of
the 1970s. She also put me through hell for wanting to experience a
different teenhood. I was supposed to mirror her opinions because she
held more life experience. However, she contradicted herself by
taking pride in never having such typical teenage desires in the
first place. Her distaste for mini skirts, porn and promiscuity
weren't borne from personal experience. She disliked such things out
of nothing more than personal taste, but attempted to force me to
share her opinions in the name of sage wisdom.
Using this method of parenting
destroyed my respect for her. Even when she had something valuable to
offer, I couldn't help but be skeptical. Without your
child's respect, the lesson is completely lost. Kids might still
avoid the behavior you find unsavory, but it will be out of fear of
punishment alone. Even worse, they might push themselves further into
unsafe situations when given the opportunity to rebel without mom
finding out. Because-I-Said-So doesn't work because it doesn't teach
anything.
No one gets everything right and teaches their kids everything they could possibly need to know. When it comes to sex education, teens won't expect you to have tried
the entire Kama Sutra, but they will expect you not to knock
something you don't fully understand. If your daughter takes an
interest in bondage and you can't fathom a night in furry handcuffs,
forgo the lecture on your opinions of “proper” sexual behavior.
Forcing her to quell her desires won't allow them to develop (or fall
to the wayside) in a natural way. Instead, encourage your daughter to
research her curiosities and discover why she feels pulled towards
certain kinks. Likewise, do your own research and help guide your
teen toward safe options for exploring her sexual interests. Through
mutual respect, parents can aid their children in navigating new and
occasionally confusing sexual needs.