7 Tips to Reclaiming Your Sex Life After Surviving Sexual Assault

About eight years ago, a man who I trusted implicitly and considered to be a friend of mine raped me. My mind, body and libido responded to the trauma in unexpected ways that I’m still learning to work through on a daily basis as I work to remedy the unseen damage through an often frustrating and painful course of trial and error.

After speaking to fellow survivors, it’s become clear to me that we’ve all journeyed down different paths in order to salvage a sense of control over our minds and to reclaim ownership over our bodies. When it comes to coping with sexual trauma, every individual experience is different.

As a survivor who spent a couple of years in deep denial about the assault and subsequent years trying to figure out how the violence of the experience had affected me mentally, sexually, and physically, I’ve discovered that there isn’t one exhaustive cure. Surviving means figuring out your limits and respecting them, but it can sometimes also mean pushing, often painfully, through self-imposed boundaries and experimenting with your comfort zone.

These seven tips may not be for everyone, but they’re methods that I found to be indispensable in helping to make sex a fun, positive experience again.

Take as Much Space as You Need

Prior to my attack, I prided myself on being sex positive and adventurous. I had no problem sleeping with people that I had little interest in pursuing a romantic relationship with so long as we trusted each other, understood the limitations of our time together and practiced safe sex.

After my attack, I tried to continue enjoying my sex life with the same sense of abandon that I used to, but it didn’t work. In fact, I felt so out of control of my own body that every attempt to enjoy sex repulsed me or triggered some form of intense anxiety that I didn’t understand because I was in such denial about the assault. After a few failed attempts, I simply stopped having sex - for almost two years. I didn’t know it at the time, but it was my body’s way of giving me enough space so that I could process and heal in private.

Enjoy Your Own Body

During this healing process, I found it essential and empowering to close myself off from potential partners and concentrate on reclaiming my body for myself. I bought myself beautiful lingerie and enjoyed the sensation of items that I felt sexy in (but which may not have been tantalizing for anyone else). I invested in sex toys that could reacquaint me with pleasure. I explored all of my fantasies. Some of them were frightening, others sumptuous; all were surprising. This was vital for correcting what had been wronged. My sex life was for nobody else but me.

Don't Be Afraid to Liberate Your Sexuality

While many people might find solace in entering a trusting, monogamous relationship with a person who can help them explore their sexuality in a safe and patient environment, others can find that to be too big of a step to take at this stage. Making yourself open to consensual sexual experiences and being in complete control of them can be liberating as a coping method. It can also help to restore your faith and trust in sexual contact and relationships.

Be safe when picking potential partners and adopt some form of buddy system with a trusted pal on speed dial so that you can call them ASAP if the experience turns out to be negative, unpleasant, or triggering. Having a good friend, or even a couple of friends, with whom can enjoy a safe and consensual sexual relationship without any of the pressures of a romantic commitment usually works out better than simply picking up strangers for a one-night stand (which can make you feel vulnerable or anxious). Set and understand your boundaries, and stick to them.