Discover the Joys of Lube
Personally, I had never even considered using lube during sex before my sexual assault. I associated it with acts that I don’t feel comfortable with (my ass does not work like that, honey!). But, as it turns out, using lube has probably been the greatest revelation for my sex life. Even if I’m totally invested in the moment or turned on more than I can bear, I can still find that my body can unwillingly tighten up at showtime. Lube isn’t just amazing at helping to create a luxuriant, silky glide, it can also help loosen you up overall. Many brands sell products that not only soak you to softness but also provide breathtakingly exquisite stimulation in the process.
Be Vocal About What You Need
Whether you’re having sex with a long term partner, a buddy, or a fun fling, you should never be afraid to speak up about what you’re enjoying and what you’re not. Take control over your body, your pleasure, and the moment by telling your lover what to do and where to do it. Tell them to stop if something feels wrong. Being demanding and domineering during sex can be insanely sexy for the person you’re doing it with. Most importantly, it gives you the chance to direct the experience in a way that’s healthy, positive and pleasurable.
Don't Apologize
The process of recovering from a sexually traumatic experience can be longer than we expect. Although we may think that we’re completely over it, sometimes the smallest thing can trigger a response that can restrict our enjoyment or desire for sex.
Personally, I’ve had entire months where I’ve not been comfortable enough to want sex, which must be tough on my long-term partner who has been nothing but patient and supportive for the full five years that we’ve been a monogamous couple. At the start of our relationship, I’d find myself apologizing for turning down sex. That made me feel awful. By apologizing we’re accepting responsibility for something that is beyond our control; after all, nobody is entitled to receive sex any more than they’re expected to provide it on demand. You have the freedom and the power to say no. If they care about you then they’ll respect and understand the nuances of the word without requiring your desire for absolution from it.
Negotiate Pleasure
This is especially important for those in a monogamous, long-term relationship with someone. While your right to say no is a powerful and empowering thing, it can be healthy for a relationship to negotiate some other fun that you can be an alternative to penetration. This isn’t for everyone, of course. Some people might be turned off by the entire alphabet of sexual activity. For others, it can open the doors to exploring their comfort zones and to enjoying the provision of pleasure for someone else without immediate gratification for yourself. Be generous. Be creative. Follow your instincts and you’ll be one step closer to understanding and achieving your own comfortable pleasure on a regular basis.