There are so many articles out there on how to have better sex that it makes my head spin. Every day some new person is telling us how to have better sex. The articles are usually geared to the 20-something age group. They’re often focused on how to make him happy as if the key to good sex is to make sure that a woman gives a man what he wants. Giving is important, but what we really want to achieve is a balance of giving and receiving.

Recent 'Best Sex Advice'

The latest best advice for women? Take a pill, an expensive one that has some serious side effects and only a moderate chance of increasing the number of times you (want to) have sex. No guarantees that the sex will be any better. The drug flibanserin, sold as Addyi, is now available for pre-menopausal women who classify as having hypoactive sexual desire disorder, also known as low desire. The problem is that our sex lives (and desire) can suffer for a number of reasons, and if sex isn’t good for reasons having to do with expectations, relationship challenges and other common issues, then communication is probably a better solution than drugs.

Aphrodisiacs, lingerie, "how to" tips and now, drugs, are all thrown at women as an answer to why they might not be having the sex they want, or for not wanting sex at all. I’m not going to belittle your intelligence by suggesting that you eat more strawberries or oysters. And I'm not going to tell you that wearing a lacy bit of lingerie will do the trick either. These things can help you feel sexier if you approach them from the mental place of feeling turned on - exploring sensory pleasures or relishing the way your skin feels again satin and silk - but they won't turn a poor sex life on its head. After all, the sexiest lingerie available is no good if you don’t understand how your body works and what you need, or your partner doesn’t know what you do or don’t like in bed.

Why Pillow Talk Is the Best Sex Advice You'll Ever Get

What if the answer to “What will improve my sexual experiences?” is as simple as "Talk to your partner."?

I can’t tell you exactly what you need to say or discuss with your partner, but I know that being open and honest with your partner is essential. Communication leads to a strong relationship; the stronger our connection, the better the sex will be. When we take responsibility for our own desire and arousal and help our partner create that experience with us, then we’re going to have more satisfying sex. There is no one special movement or trick. Those article headlines are designed to lure you in. The key to having better sex is more subtle, less sensational and sometimes it’s as simple as saying, "I love when you touch me this way."

Talking to Your Partner

It can feel vulnerable to ask for what you want.

Your new lover needs to know the things you like, what turns you on, and what you want from them. Your partner of 10 years may need to hear those things as well. And you need to hear those intimate details from your partner too.

You could just skip the talking and dive right in to the mystery of sex, hoping things will go right. Hoping that if he tries to stroke your clitoris long enough he’ll discover it’s further to the left or that he’s going too fast. Maybe he’ll realize that your quietness isn’t normal for you, but an indicator of a lack of arousal. Or you could just talk to him. You could gently move his fingers or the sex toy over a bit, or whisper, “A little to the left”. You could even tell him you love what he’s doing, but need it to be a little slower or faster.

The conversation? It’s about setting the stage to ensure your safety, your comfort, and your ability to connect with your partner. Are there things you need to talk about that would enhance the experience for you?