I'm sure you can relate: You're in the dressing room at your favorite store - trying on a bra, panties, or a piece of lingerie - and absolutely nothing about it makes you feel sexy. All you can see are the "trouble areas" that seem glaringly obvious, and you're defeated. That gorgeous piece of lingerie - that looked amazing on the hanger - makes you feel worse than the t-shirt and jeans you walked in with.
Shopping for lingerie can be TOUGH. Only rivalled by swimsuits, there are not many other types of clothing that put so much of ourselves on display when we're trying them on - and when we plan to wear them later. This makes it really easy to be critical of ourselves - and really easy to beat ourselves up when something doesn't fit right.
That being said, the perfect lingerie is out there for you - it just might take some patience, some trial-and-error, and some mental reframing of how you see yourself.
Easier said than done, right? But here are some tips to help you on your journey on how to find lingerie that makes you feel sexy.
The biggest issue we have to nip in the bud right now: the lingerie product photos. You know the ones - where the model looks amazing in this advertised garment and the photos are plastered all over the tag and the box. The model looks straight out of a magazine!
And that's because they are. Remember that those shoots are NOT real-life - and nothing about them is representative of real-life. The model may have fasted - or reduced water intake - to get to the definition they have. The model is also paid to look this gorgeous - which means their 40 hour work week includes built-in time for workouts, personal trainers, hair and makeup artists, stylists, and more. They may even have their own 5-person team working on them before a shoot!
Then we have to talk about the professional shoots. The photographer has thousands of dollars in lighting and photography equipment - and makes the model stand still while they move the lights around the model to get the absolute perfect angle to accentuate what they want the viewer to see. Past that, many times, lingerie for the photoshoot is tailored for the model's proportions - no "off-the-shelf" lingerie here! (Y'know, like the stuff you're trying to buy.)
When photoshoots have to "resort" to off-the-shelf lingerie, a lot of tips and tricks are utilized including stuffing the bras, tucking and clipping loose/ill-fitting parts where the camera doesn't see, gluing or taping body parts or lingerie, and of course, the ever-used Photoshop after the shoot is done. There's this old rule in lingerie selection - that a "babydoll"-style piece is for everyone. While they can certainly look hot AF, I'm glad that we're moving away from the idea that one particular piece of lingerie is the magic solution to looking good. I'm also here to say that you should select whatever makes YOU feel good - whether that's a babydoll or some strappy outfit that takes 30 minutes to get into.
Sure, you CAN look that sexy. (Seriously, I recommend boudoir photoshoots for pretty much anyone looking to capture their sexual side). But when you're parading around the dressing room - or looking hot at home for your partner - you're not supposed to look like those models - that is artifice. You're supposed to look like you - but feeling more confident because you're wearing something hot.
That being said, you'll never really know what feels good (or what you look good in!) until you experiment with new styles. Does something look a bit too "out there" for you? Give it a try anyway! Try to go into it with an open mind and see what happens. Especially if you know a store's return policy, you may have nothing to lose.
I had always written off "crop tops" as something that would never look good on me, but I've been surprised by how sexy I feel wearing just a crop top and a high-waisted pair of panties. 5 out of 5, would recommend!
Nobody says your idea of "lingerie" has to include the traditional lace and flimsy straps. Oh, heck no. If your idea includes wearing a sweatshirt with no pants, have at it! If your idea includes boxer shorts and a chest harness, have at it! Lingerie is entirely about feeling sexy. Wearing what makes you feel sexy is at the heart of wearing lingerie. When you "feel" sexy, you'll exude confidence that's way hotter than any simple pair of panties.
So go with what makes you feel hot. It doesn't have to come from a lingerie shelf.
Read: The Lingerie of Our Lives: Why We're Fascinated With Underclothes I know, I know. A lot of people don't necessarily like dealing with the hassle (or numbers) of measuring your body. But especially with online lingerie shopping, you should really have fresh numbers on-hand - and be willing to use them to compare to the size chart that most retailers publish. This will help you get lingerie that will fit properly.
In-between sizes? Try to think about the lingerie in question. If it has a tight bodice and is loose around the stomach, you should prioritize the chest measurement. If it's tight everywhere, you should prioritize the largest measurement - and see if there's a way to tighten up the rest for a fit that's perfect for you.
If the idea of dealing with size charts and measurements sounds horrid, consider shopping in-person instead. In-person, brick and mortar stores will usually have a dressing room - and allow you try on lingerie as long as you wear your own underwear underneath the piece you're trying on. If you're someone who loves trying on clothes, this is probably your favorite way to shop. How many pairs of jeans did you try on before you found the one that fit you like a glove? Your favorite dress - or suit? Or do you always just buy the first one off the shelf and find that it fits like magic? No, I'm not suggesting you get rid of your current friend group and only find body doubles, but have you checked your social media pages lately? Do you follow very many people who look like you? More importantly, do you follow (and see!) very many people who look like you in lingerie?
Alternatively, many in-person sex stores will allow you to return the lingerie as long as the tags are still attached. So if you'd rather try it on in the privacy of your own home, getting a refund is as simple as driving back to the store. Just make sure to know the return policy of the store you're shopping from - and always try on lingerie with your own undies on underneath. It's just polite!
While it's easy to be hard on ourselves with lingerie - because it exposes way more of our skin than we generally show which makes it easier to pick on ourselves - lingerie shopping requires the same patience as any other type of clothing shopping. Not every piece of lingerie is going to fit your unique body. This isn't a fault of your body; it's just how lingerie is made. It literally can't perfectly fit every body that tries it on; fabric just doesn't work that way.
So next time something isn't fitting right, don't get discouraged. Don't blame yourself or your body. Put the blame where it lies - on the fabric you're holding. And then get up and try something different.
Finding lingerie that feels sexy is JUST as much about your own mentality - and ability to see yourself as sexy - as it is about the fabric itself. Unfortunately, most of us, on a daily basis, don't see people who look like us as sexual beings - in lingerie or used in marketing as a sexual person.
To help change your perspective, help change your media. Normalize seeing people who look like you dressed up in lingerie - and when you have the time, leave comments and compliment them about the things you like on their outfits. All of this helps you see body types like your own as amazing, sexy bodies - and maybe next time you're trying on lingerie, you can leave some of those compliments for yourself?
Do you have proportions that you consider "difficult"? (I know my small breasts are an abnormality in a plus-sized lingerie market designed for D-cups and larger!) It isn't a bad thing - or a reflection on how you're made "wrong." Instead, it's an opportunity and an excuse to order custom-made lingerie.
While this will be more expensive than ordering a cheap, $15 piece of lingerie that's mass-produced, it's also worth doing - and sites like Etsy make this easier than ever. You can find made-to-your-measurements sellers on Etsy at less than $100 - and remember that you're also supporting a small business (in many cases, one person!) by ordering from Etsy. You get a high-quality piece that fits YOUR body like it was made for it - because it was!
Another option for ready-made pieces is to take them to a tailor for a custom fit. Keep in mind that not every alteration will be possible on every piece and that it is generally easier to adjust sizing down rather than up. For most of our lives - adult and otherwise - most of us have been told to look for "flattering" options. You know, the options that hide your "unsightly" areas and emphasize your "good areas". And y'know what, if that helps you find lingerie you feel sexy in, go ahead and follow some of the lessons of that advice.
But don't pass up lingerie you LOVE just because you think it accentuates a part of you that you think it shouldn't. Your body is your body, and if you feel amazing in it aside from that little self-described "problem area", maybe step back to think about why you've decided that's a "problem" - and if it might be more of a reflection on your opinion of your body than the lingerie itself.
Sure, that bodysuit might show more of your stomach than you're used to, but is that a problem - or a negative opinion about your body making it a "problem"?
If you feel sexy in it, wear it! In fact, I recommend staring at your beautiful self in the mirror, wearing it around the house, and taking tons of selfies in it. Get used to every part of your body - your perceived "flaws" and all.
After all, you only get one body, and it's the vessel to let you experience every amazing thing in life.
Mistress Kay has a fondness for all things sexual. With a house that's quickly running out of room for all of her reading and vibrating pleasures, she spends her free time reading, writing, and learning about the sexual universe with her partners. She can be reached at Kinky World.
