Here’s what I propose. Change the script. Make time, explore, and forget climactic expectations.
Tell your partner something like, “I want to spoil you tonight. Let’s take some time just for us.”
Make your bedroom a place where you can try new things without fear. If you try a position that doesn’t work out (I think we’ve all fallen off the bed a time or two), laugh it off. You aren’t performing for anyone. Setting aside time for intimacy means that you have an hour or three to try new things and learn about your bodies. It’s the antithesis of rushing. We aren’t going for some kind of sexual efficiency here. We’re filling our time with things that feel good, that connect us with our partners.
Double Check Your Priorities
At this point, you might be reconsidering your stance on scheduling sex. I certainly hope you are. Yet, you might also be thinking, “Sarah, what kind of life do you lead that you have three hours to stroke and lick and kiss? This is not realistic!”
This is where planning for intimacy butts heads with popular rhetoric about how often we should be having sex. Just about everyone would agree that there’s no way they could set aside two hours every other day to focus on intimacy. Yet, there’s overwhelming pressure to be having sex at least three to seven times a week. This is why we need to look at our priorities - and not everyone’s are going to be the same.
If you want to have more of the sex you’re already having, talk to your partner about setting aside 30 minutes to an hour every other day to be intimate. If you make it a priority in your schedule, soon it will become second nature.
If you would rather take your time and make intimacy a sort of special event, you may want to think about setting aside a larger block of time less often. For example, you could make a standing date night once a week, where you enjoy a nice dinner or a movie and then some time in the boudoir. This might take three or four hours out of your week, but it’s time well spent because you're investing in your relationship and your own sexual pleasure.
Additionally, trying new things can take time. It’s better to set aside extra time to be confident that you’ve prepared enough to fully enjoy yourself. Take, for example, anal play. If you’re an anal novice, you’re going to need plenty of time to warm up. You may want to watch what you eat for a day or so, to be sure nothing upsets your stomach and threatens your good time. You might want to take an extra-thorough shower beforehand. You will definitely want to be sure that you have the right lubricant, toys, and condoms handy. Adding a new experience to your sexual repertoire can take some planning, and some time, but it’s absolutely worth it when you find something you really love.
I’d like to leave you with a quote from my good friend, Caitlin Murphy: “Sex deserves time, intention, and savoring - and often, you have to plan that to do it right.” Don’t let anyone tell you that your scheduled sex is less valid than their spontaneous sex. Sex isn't about competing it's about pleasure. Make that your priority - and make time to make it happen.