There are so many ways to connect sexually. There are so many ways to connect sexually. Whether it's cyber sex, phone sex, sexting, or the recent trend of long-distance controllable toys, things can get pretty steamy without ever touching your partner.
Is virtual sex REAL sex? Virtual sex allows participants to engage sexually with partners who are physically apart. It provides a safe sex option for people who want sexual release but are concerned about the health risks associated with multiple partners. This notion is absurd.
"Real sex" is whatever feels real for you.
That’s right. There is no cut-and-dried definition of "real sex." One person’s incredibly intimate and connected experience is another person’s breezy one-night stand. By this logic, a couple can use virtual sex to maintain a long-distance relationship that is just as super-hot and intensely intimate as if they were sleeping in each other’s arms each night. Likewise, another couple may use virtual sex with a stranger to pass a couple quiet hours before they go to bed. The intimacy of the experience is dependent on the intention of the participants. All sexual experiences are valid.
Wait, what?! So, how do we know what the rules are?! How do we know what "counts" as cheating?!
So, if you feel like you could cam with someone and not have it mean anything, but your partner feels like that is a violation of your relationship, you guys need to discuss that. Maybe virtual sex is OK. Maybe sexting is OK, but nothing else. Maybe no outside sexual activity at all is what is OK for your relationship. You have a ton of options and ways to work it out and you get to figure it out together.
This is radically different than how most of us were taught to operate. Most of us were taught that there is a clearly defined "right" and "wrong," and that those things are the same for everyone. This is extremely limiting when it comes to sex and relationships. For a lot of people, this leaves them following rules that don’t match up with how they feel.
When you're clear on what your own boundaries are and communicate them clearly with partners, all of this confusion and concern about what is "real" or not goes away. Then, you can focus on enjoying the sexual experience at hand.
And isn’t that the point?
JoEllen is a writer, speaker, researcher and mental health advocate whose work explores the impact of depression on sex and relationships. Since 2012 she has written about sex, mental health, and how none of us are broken on her award-winning site The Redhead Bedhead. JoEllen has led workshops nationwide on sexual communication, navigating consent, having casual sex kindly, and dating as an introvert. She has toured sex shops, spoken at length on dildos, and even started a sex school but she is happiest and most effective when writing and speaking on behalf of quiet people who have sex. Check out her video series on attending conferences as an introvert and her extensive writing on sex and depression. JoEllen has spoken at Clark College, University of Chicago, Woodhull's Sexual Freedom Summit, and the Playground ConferenceJoEllen's book The Monster Under the Bed: Sex, Depression & The Conversation We Aren’t Having is now available in paperback, ebook, and audiobook.