Discovering the world of kink is like discovering a 10-story restaurant that's full of foods, ambiances, and people that you'd love to be around. Simply put, it's overwhelming. It's exciting, it's arousing, and you're freakin' pumped to explore all of it, but it's also simply overwhelming.
BDSM is an exciting journey. The key to making it a safe and fulfilling one is to take things one step at a time.
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We actually have a term for this in the kink world: sub frenzy and dom frenzy. It's that heightened state of excitement that impacts your decision making. It's that level of hyperfocused anticipation that makes people make bad decisions - all in the hopes of getting to try some of those amazing things they've heard about.
Read: 10 BDSM Myths You Probably Believe - Busted! Whether you choose to explore the kink community online or in-person, there are points where you will end up being exposed to other kinky people. Honestly, just by reading this article, you're in an educational segment of the kink community!
As you can guess by the title of this article, I want to help you moderate some of those "frenzy" feelings - and ensure that you're in a headspace that will let you make grounded, safety-focused decisions about the kinky things you're going to do.
I know, I know: damper on the fun right? But I promise: taking a safety-first approach to kink doesn't impact your enjoyment. In fact, it can actually enhance it! Knowing how to properly warm up physically for an impact play scene lets the body better make its neurochemicals and help make it all feel better! Knowing how to properly tie rope bondage ties reduces the likelihood of skin pinching and rope burns - which lets you relax better into the rope.
So, let's get to it with the top 5 things you must do before jumping into kink (with your flogger already swinging)!
People First, Kink Second
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And the kink community is amazing. Not only is it full of people who actually understand what you're into, but it's also full of people who you can talk to without worrying about being kicked out from your friend group. These kink communities can also be packed full of ton of knowledge: knowledge you can use to enjoy kink safely and better enjoy yourself.
It can be exciting to assume every kink space is actually one big, giant, always-horny orgy, but that usually isn't the case.
If we're being honest here, most kink spaces operate like hobby communities; the conversations can border on that level of "boringness" sometimes. (Really, if you've ever heard a munch start arguing the finer points of the distinction of "Master" vs "Dominant", you'd agree with me.) Kink communities usually focus on discussing the finer points of kink in distanced, nuanced, jargon-filled language - while simultaneously throwing in your standard, vanilla conversations about how someone's doing after their trip to Jamaica.
It can be exciting to assume every kink space is actually one big, giant, always-horny orgy, but that usually isn't the case.
If we're being honest here, most kink spaces operate like hobby communities; the conversations can border on that level of "boringness" sometimes. (Really, if you've ever heard a munch start arguing the finer points of the distinction of "Master" vs "Dominant", you'd agree with me.) Kink communities usually focus on discussing the finer points of kink in distanced, nuanced, jargon-filled language - while simultaneously throwing in your standard, vanilla conversations about how someone's doing after their trip to Jamaica.
Read Next: Everything You Need to Know About Attending Your First BDSM Munch
In your ultra-excited state, this means you might need to tamp down on some of your excitement - especially if it's because of arousal. Most kinky people come to kinky spaces to have open, honest, and occasionally-educational discussions about the intricacies of their kinks and how to do them better. Most people aren't in kink spaces to find masturbation fodder - or to find a kink partner at this very second. (Unless you're in a personals section or a dating event! If that's the case, read the room to figure out the expected behavior first!)
So, go into any kink space with a focus on being respectful and keeping the "horny" under control. If you find it rearing its head, consider taking a break, or try to ask yourself factual questions about the situation to keep your brain on-task. Things like:
- What safety concerns would someone have about doing that kink?
- Can I spot which people are in power exchange relationships? What behaviors tip me off to that?
- What is the coolest thing I've heard about or learned today?
And taking a people first, kink-second approach to all of your interactions is how you'll get invited to some of the play parties down the line too!
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The internet now provides access to hundreds of thousands of potential partners - all from the comfort of your tiny rectangle on your couch. This is absolutely amazing for forming social connections - but it can also be pretty darn dangerous.There is no governing board of kink or sex safety that online daters need to go through, so the internet is full of people who, whether intentionally or accidentally, don't know what they're doing. If we're being truly honest, there are even a subset of people who intentionally seek out partners in the midst of sub frenzy or dom frenzy. The difficulty making good decisions - mixed with the lack of experience to know better - makes them great "targets" for people with bad intentions. Back to that handy-dandy internet again. The internet has made it easier than ever to discover new kinks - and new ways to explore those kinks. You might watch some pornography that features this beautiful whip - and you might find yourself really, really wanting to experience that whip - whether as a giver or receiver.The internet's "helpfulness" is twofold, though. While it lets you discover new kinks you might be into, it also lets you discover kinks well outside of your experience level - and usually without any warnings or cautions about all of the safety precautions (and a full team of friends or employees nearby!) that went into making that scene happen. It's not enough to simply pick up a Lover's Submission Kit from Spencers and go to town.
That's why I really, really recommend waiting a week between when you think about meeting up with someone - and when you actually do it.
Not only does this give you some time to get your bearings, but it also gives your potential partner a bit of time to show their "true colors". If they refuse to wait a simple week - or bad, abusive behavior starts to come out because you set a boundary for yourself - you are already seeing red flags.
Don't get me wrong: I know that week is going to be hard! But any partner worth playing with will happily give you the space and time you need to feel comfortable.
Stick with the Simplest Options First
At the same time, all of these beautiful, difficult-to-wield, and dangerous implements are easier than ever to get ahold of. You simply type it into a search engine, and boom: there's a place to buy it. This is very, very different from the past where you'd need to know someone...who knew someone...who might be hiding an illegal mail order catalog to let you discreetly order your new kink toy.
This is why it's so important to moderate yourself - and stick to the basics. The basics give you the foundational skills you need to consider moving into the harder, more dangerous things.
Love the look of a 6 foot whip? Consider trying a paddle or mini-flogger, like those included in Spencer's Bondage Temptation Kit to start with instead. You still get the delicious "torment" of an impact scene - but without the higher risk of permanent injury.
Want to replicate a stunning rope suspension you found? Start off fully on the ground - and master your single column and double column ties first. That can give you hundreds of thousands of play options already! If it's more the restraint aspect that is exciting to you than the slow art of knot-tying, you can try wrist or ankle cuffs (like those included in the Purple Pleasure Bondage Set, which also comes with a positioning aid.) Remember: those beautiful rope scenes you see come from experience riggers and rope bottoms with years (sometimes decades!) of experience.
Dying to try out a forced orgasm scene with a gigantic saddle vibrator? Replicate a lot of those same feelings at home with a powerful wand massager. Not only does this allow you to easily move the vibrator on and off, but it's also much easier to stop if something comes up. If you are looking to just experiment with the feelings of vibrations before diving into toys with some major horsepower, the Sexual Adventurers' Kit features a bullet vibe and vibrating cock ring to help get your bits used to the feel of those good vibrations!
Learn How to Do the Kink First
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You actually have to know how to use your items - even if you're going to be the one receiving the sensation. Knowing the proper usage is part of what will keep you safe; you'll instantly be able to spot when something isn't right. Even for some seemingly basic toys, it's important you have considered the safety aspects. Having your sub walk or crawl when their eyes are covered means you need to make sure there is nothing for them to trip over. Arms shouldn't be retrained overhead for extended lengths of time...even if you are using cute and cozy "fur"-covered cuffs.
Read: How to Tie Bondage Knots: A Guide for Beginners
Luckily for us, a lot of the basic implements and toys have similar designs - which means you can swap between options and already know what's going on. For example, if you already know how to use a paddle, you can swap it out for another one without needing to entirely relearn what you're doing.
(That being said, different toys may behave and feel differently. It's important to follow the #1 tenant of kink play: start slow. This allows both the top and bottom to get a feel for how it feels before jumping in headfirst.)
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So the easiest way to situate yourself in kink is simply to start searching for information when you come across something you don't know. The sex dictionary here on Kinkly can be a great way to search up definitions of words you've never seen before, but you can always expand your search to include how-to and safety-focused articles on search engines too.
And do it for everything: even things you're not into! Don't really care about feet? Turns out, bastinado practices and safety info could have a direct cross-over into the impact play you do enjoy. Never want to do rope suspension? That's fine! The precision and accuracy of the ropework necessary for suspension will automatically make your ropework safer and prettier on the ground too.
And even if you don't end up finding a direct link between your kinks and the item you're researching, you still benefit in learning more about the kink. Not only does this help give you some insight about why someone might be into that, but it also gives you enough background to understand kink conversations when you hear them. Even if you're the introverted type, it can still feel really warming when you understand the jargon of the people who are around you.
However, take this research with a grain of salt until you've collected multiple sources. Yep, even mine. While there are a few accredited degrees for sexuality, there are no official education tracks for kink-focused education. You can't pay a university exorbitant amounts of money to take a "Flogger 101" course. You can pay your local experienced kinkster (online or in-person) for such a class, but their "expert" status is based off their years and experience doing the kink - as well as their reputation in the community.
With the ego and arousal on the line for a lot of people in the scene, some of the "advice" you may find might actually just be plain wrong - or unsafe. With the ease of forum posting, website creation, and social media, it can be easy for anyone (and everyone!) to spout anything they want about the kink. For example, this is very rampant in communities for chastity belt wearing for vulva-owners. While the vulva-owners in the kink will constantly remind people of the difficulty and health risks of long term wear, horny dominants into the kink will regularly come in and claim months of wear with no issues.
The point is: there's a lot of amazing kink information and resources out there (more than your grandparents could have ever dreamed about!), but that same system (damn you internet!) means there's also more information out there than ever too. Make sure to collect from multiple sources - and preferably your local, experienced community - to ensure you're following the best practices you can.
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Mistress Kay
Mistress Kay has a fondness for all things sexual. With a house that's quickly running out of room for all of her reading and vibrating pleasures, she spends her free time reading, writing, and learning about the sexual universe with her partners. She can be reached at Kinky World.
