3 Ways to Be a Better Metamour in Your Poly Relationship

My gateway into ethical non-monogamy (ENM) was through cuckqueaning.

When I initially broached the conversation, my husband, James, was taken aback. He’d been at the receiving end of my deep-seated jealousy many times and was hesitant to pursue such an engagement. Luckily, when this fetish came to call, I was ready to trade in my green monster for a more pleasurable future. Recognizing this, my husband decided to take the leap with me.

Having a successful ENM relationship requires a few things, the first being a strong sense of self: possessing healthy self-esteem, knowing what you like and accepting it. Additionally, ENM is dependent on open communication, negotiation and treating everyone involved with respect and dignity.

To safeguard the emotional well-being of all involved, transparency and vulnerability are also mandatory in ENM. Being clear on the configuration of one’s relationship(s) and setting clear parameters is paramount. When done right, ENM offers an opportunity for deeper conversations and you will inevitably access parts of yourself that may have otherwise remained unreachable.

READ: Ethical Non Monogamy and Trust: How to Make it Work.

My hunger for new experiences revealed my preferred position as a passive participant. Being involved with someone other than my husband triggers unresolved threads of trauma, casting me into a sea of emotional overwhelm. What cuckqueaning offered was stimuli that both aroused me and confronted blocks that needed dismantling. The injection of a new person, even from a distance, felt refreshing. It played as a unique bonding tool for James and me, as well as a path to personal growth.

Despite these benefits, and my insatiable desire to share my husband, this dynamic harbored some unavoidable challenges. The greatest being insecurity over the other woman, aka my metamour.

What is a Metamour?

Metamours are the people with whom we share our partner. In other words, a metamour is your lover’s lover.

In any shared-partner experience -- be it for one night or a lifetime -- you’re bound to encounter resistance. In a monogamous-centric world, not being the source of your partner’s joy and pleasure can induce a feeling of powerlessness -- and that lack of control can send us spiraling. What’s imperative is learning to relinquish control over others (for it’s an illusion anyway) and assume control over yourself.

Personal growth isn’t a result of the threat itself, but what we do with the information the threat exposes.

You see, I was desperate to open my relationship and secure our status as a couple practicing ENM. My desires were too strong to ignore, my fantasy too effervescent to repress. However, fear of being inadequate or replaced came flooding in.

READ: Your Top 10 Questions About Polyamory - Answered

When my first metamour entered my life, there was only one way to secure the success of my ENM relationship. To experience the pleasure of sharing my husband, I was forced to overcome the insecurity of bringing someone else into what had been a completely monogamous relationship. I had to dig deep within myself and become relentless in my desire to share James, which, by necessity, included accepting his partners.

So, how exactly did I conquer my insecurities over this metamour?

I committed to becoming the best metamour I could be, and here’s how:

1. Set the Table

Inspired by kitchen table polyamory, I decided to get to know my husband’s partners.

Getting a clear image of who my husband would be spending time with alleviated the glorification of the unknown partner. When meeting metamours, I decided to approach with an open heart and an open mind. At the very least, I’d deter myself from competitive thoughts and paranoia-filled evenings. Best-case scenario, I’d make a new friend.

The relationship you decide to have (or not to have) with your metamours is your choice. Personally, to keep my imagination at bay, I require a minimum of interaction. Once I get a general idea of who they are, I can relax and enjoy my fantasy's delights.

2. Use Compersion as the Conduit

Compersion, put simply, is the practice of being happy for someone else’s happiness. It is the antidote to jealousy. Like gratitude, it requires intention.

When my husband is with another woman, I take pride in his ability to please her, as well as satisfaction in him receiving pleasure.

A foundational element to my desire is knowing my husband is sexually engaging with another person. So, even in times of insecurity, I can rely on his pleasure to fulfill my own.

Because sharing my husband was the catalyst to opening our relationship in the first place, every experience is a reminder of our love for one another. I’ve also learned to appreciate my metamour for the role she is willing to play in my fantasy.

READ: When Your Partner Sleeps With Someone Else - And It Makes You Happy.

3. Find Like-Minded Community

For everyone to enjoy their experience, it’s important that I have an outlet of my own. My goal is to provide space for James, free of concern. By building community with other ENM practitioners, I can lean into those friendships, knowing I’m supported within the lifestyle. This relieves feelings of dependency between my husband and me and gives my metamour the breathing space she requires to enjoy my husband.

Having like-minded people who understand the complexities of ethical non-monogamy reminds me that I’m not alone in this journey. Sharing my struggles and desires with other ENM practitioners is a wonderful way to decrease doubt and appreciate my husband and his partner(s).

The Lasting Truth

Even in my darkest moments, I know my metamour(s) has at least one thing in common with me: They care about my husband.

They also offer additional support and adventure. My metamours provide diversified experiences and fulfill certain aspects of my husband’s sexuality that I wouldn’t personally enjoy. My husband’s relationships have only brought us closer as they simultaneously strengthen our connection and sense of independence.

Metamours are a new connection to the larger world of ethical non-monogamy and can expand our sense of community. My goal in being a better metamour serves everyone involved. It creates a functioning space where everyone’s desires can be fulfilled and intimacy is amplified.