Would it be great if sex just...happened? If our desires could just come true whenever we wanted? If our partners were always in the same, sexy synchronized state of mind? If our bodies were always available and eager? Or would we be missing out on the tremendous variety and challenges that can make sex so good?
Up the Tempo
For many folks, music plays an integral part of our daily lives. We wake up to it, we work out to it, we perform our many functions to it. Some of us are lucky enough to understand how to create it. Music can motivate us and help us interpret what we see happening in the world around us. It makes perfect sense that music can also be an integral part of our sex lives. Is there a jam that makes you feel ready for sexytime? Is there one bass hook that puts the boom boom into your room? Maybe that one is the same tune that was tickling your eardrums the first time someone was tickling your other parts. If music was playing when you lost your virginity, do you remember the song? Personally, I am pretty sure there was no music playing during my first time. However, if there was, it very likely would have been this:
Time is one of the most underestimated things people don’t realize they need for sexually fulfilling lives until after it is lost. Whether you find your days are filled with rigorous work schedules, parenting your children, caring for your own parents, or just running errands and enjoying hobbies. It seems we’ve all got a hundred things on the list, making the end of the day more about hitting the pillow than hitting the sheets. This particular piece focuses on parenting, but there are many ways that diminished sexytime availability can then diminish libido which can ultimately affect us in many different ways. Yet, the question remains: should we lower our standards to “good enough” sex? That is a complicated, individual concern that just might turn into a "damned if you do, damned if you don’t" proposition.
The Body's Buffet
It is oft suggested that those who aren’t making time for sex or are suffering from reduced desire just need to try new things to get themselves turned on. Getting into kink, opening up your relationship, watching porn—all of these get mentioned as hot and sexy ways to stimulate a sexual relationship in a rut. Aren’t we getting bored of these same suggestions always getting pulled out? Maybe the answer is trying something truly new, such as discovering a brand new way for your body to joy and, potentially, orgasm. Most people experience a very limited number of ways to enjoy pleasure and orgasm; it could even just be one. But as Dr. Justin Lehmiller notes, our bodies offer different ways to revel in ecstatic pleasure. Maybe one of these methods will rock your world.
Fantasy is a huge part of our sex lives and kinda explains why porn is such a thing. The visual presentation of our sexual desires is, for some folks, a big part of sexual fulfillment, whether that be through masturbation or playing with a partner. If you’re a fan of porn, it is only natural that might become enamoured of specific performers who you fancy. And it is a sad thing if that performer decides to leave the business or, even moreso, passes away. However, your desires could see new flames if CGI ever becomes feasible and popular in porn production. Mainstream films are using this technology to change the age of older actors or even bring departed performers back to life. This could be a boon in porn. That said, I can’t help worry about the ethical issue of placing performers in new, sexual situations. That seems problematic.
But, is sex a need, in and of itself? Do we need sex to survive? Well, no. There have been some health benefits associated with sex, but not having sex will not cause you to have an unhappy or unfulfilled life. Which is why some people choose voluntary celibacy, for both short and long terms. It should be noted that there is a distinction between involuntary celibacy and asexuality. Some folks just want to take a break from sex because they believe it will help them in other areas of their lives. Whether or not sex is the thing hold thing back can be a subject of debate, but hey, to each their own. It is really easy in the sex community to scoff at the idea of denying pleasure, but that just takes agency away from people. One of the greatest sex dependencies is our own influence over it.
Quite the Whopper
Finally, does your idea of a sexy Valentine’s Day involve a special meal? Did it come with a special prize in the bottom of the box?