Reach Out and Spank Someone: How to Participate in Long-Distance BDSM

Even though we live in the Information Age where a message or a call can reach just about anyone, anywhere on the planet in seconds, the world can, sadly, feel immensely vast for those separated from their lovers or partners. And that distance can feel even more extreme - and so much sadder - when the relationship involves consensual power exchange.

The good news is that there are some techniques and technologies available that, while not the same as face-to-face (or hand-to-ass!) experiences, can still allow kinky people to play as well as maintain a good and healthy BDSM relationship - no matter the distance.

No Geographic Limits to Safety

Before we leap into this, though, we have to talk about the three linchpins of BDSM: to always play safely, sanely, and consensually. True, when you are playing remotely some of these might seem kind of unnecessary, but it's still important to keep them in mind.

For example, before you establish a long-distance BDSM relationship you should never forget to negotiate. Putting dominant and submissive roles aside, talk to each other (or exchange detailed messages) about what each of you wants to do, might want to do (if turned on enough) and what should never happen.

This is especially important when working on scheduling. It’s easy to say that those involved want to have a play session each and every night for an hour, but realistically, this is close to impossible. It's much better to create a more flexible structure that can accommodate everyone's schedules as well as one that's open to change.

Read: 13 Things Couples Do in Long-Distance Relationships

Know Your Communication Styles

One thing about long distance play is the need to work on a mutual understanding of communication styles and timing. Example: some people might be chatty email and text people, writing hundreds or thousands of words at a time, while others might find this uncomfortable or intimidating. The latter will often respond to a text or email with “OK” or just an emoji.

The thing is, if an understanding of styles isn’t there, it’s easy for a someone who likes long messages to think that the other, more terse partner is hiding something important or might be angry with them. Conversely, a short-message person might feel a lot of pressure to write more than they feel comfortable doing. Similarly, some people love texts or emails while others prefer Skype or phone calls. Others still might like FaceTime, or communicating over an app like those that come with some app-controlled sex toys. See what I mean?

Enter the need for both negotiation and understanding. Before starting anything, you should both explain to each other how you like to communicate and how often. Be sure to build in methods of reassurance and ask important questions.

Understand Limitations

Physical safety might not seem like something that needs to be negotiated in a long distance BDSM relationship. After all, you won't even be touching each other! Even so, it should still be addressed.

A good reason for this is that some people still have illusions that a lot of BDSM can be done without a partner. The reality is that very little can really be done safely without someone else being present. This is especially true for ANYTHING involving electricity or bondage.

That said, there are quite a few fun things can be done safely: like clothes pins, nipple clamps, the use of cock rings, or playing with app-controlled sex toys like those from Kiiroo.

The rule here could best be described as “don’t do anything by yourself that is already risky with a partner.” Believe me, the last thing you want is for the submissive partner to be ordered to do something risky and then need help when their dominant is miles away.