Q:

I am a 66-year-old man and I realize that I enjoy being submissive to women. I just want to give pleasure. Please help!

A:

Mainstream messages around sexuality get so twisted, that just about everyone is left feeling like something is wrong with them. Ask any sex therapist or sex coach and they’ll tell you the number one client question is, “Am I normal?”

But there’s no such thing as normal when it comes to human desire or sexuality! Both exist on such an incredible spectrum that researchers have a difficult time codifying “normal/abnormal” for the purpose of diagnosis.

The bottom line is this: as long as your desires only involve consenting adults, go for it! 

Embracing submission as a man

Plenty of men fantasize about being sexually submissive to women (heck, there’s a whole industry dedicated to that fantasy.) But I’m curious about your definition of “submissive.” You only mention giving pleasure, perhaps through oral sex. Giving pleasure isn’t an inherently submissive act. Gender stereotypes get in the way of people exploring their fantasies, and I wonder if there’s some messaging about how men “should” be that’s complicating the issue. 

In BDSM we talk about top/bottom as well as dominant/submissive. Dominance and submission involve a power exchange, while top and bottom describe who is doing an action and who is receiving. You can give pleasure from a dominant role, an egalitarian role, or a submissive role. For example, the man in an egalitarian relationship may spend hours between the legs of his partner, for the simple enjoyment of giving pleasure. Or, in a D/s dynamic with a dominant woman, she might “order” the man to perform oral sex, holding his head in place and issuing commands as he does so. Or what about this third option? A dominant man “orders” his partner to lay back and accept oral sex, or perhaps even puts her in bondage before doing so. 

Whether you decide submission is part of the fantasy, or that you simply want to give your partner pleasure, I suspect plenty of women will applaud your desire to close the orgasm gap

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