My partner's nagging about orgasm prevents me from enjoying sex. What can I do?

Q:

I need some help. My partner keeps ruining sex by nagging me about getting off, before, during, and after. The thing is, I am enjoying myself [most of the time]. He doesn’t believe me. He says I am not showing it. I don’t know what else to do.

A:

Have you ever asked him exactly what it is he is looking for to qualify that you are enjoying yourself? Is there some specific response, verbal or nonverbal, that he expects to see/hear from you in order to validate said enjoyment? I mean, good for you that you have someone concerned with your sexual pleasure in your life. There are plenty of people who could report very different circumstances. So, thank him for being so concerned. Then, tell him in a very calm way how his behavior makes you feel. If you find this concern to be “nagging,” does he know that? If he did, would he persist?

There are various levels of enjoyment when it comes to sex. I am a firm believer that we can have a good time and maybe not everyone (or no one) orgasms. Yet, the activity itself was still pleasurable. The pressure to orgasm for both parties can become intense and distracting to the point of negating the ability to orgasm. So why do that to yourself or your partner? Let him know that the pressure you experience to display sexual pleasure interferes with your ability to actually experience it.

Also, offer suggestions that he may find helpful to assist you in this endeavor. For one, what he is looking to see you do or say. Beyond that, if he feels the need to be verbal during sex, could he be saying more evocative things that would enhance your experience? Maybe he could be asking more specific questions instead of if you are you enjoying yourself, but rather if you like when he does X or would you prefer Y? When all else fails, you could just sit on his face to keep him otherwise occupied.

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Written by Karen Washington
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Karen Washington is a graduate of the Adler School of Professional Psychology and is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. She specializes in sex therapy, with a foundation in communication and self esteem. Karen works with couples and individuals through discrepancy, dysfunction and disorder to achieve their desired sex life. She firmly believes in presenting education and information through the lens of humor, especially when it comes to sex. Full Bio

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