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I'm a married man with a growing anal fetish. How can I satisfy it if my wife isn't interested?

Q:

I am a 56 year old married male with an anal fetish that is growing too fast. I cannot stop putting things up my ass. I make my own toys and enjoy enemas every day. My wife and I don't have sex any more. She never has played with my ass - at least, very little. I love my wife, but need my ass to be satisfied! What can I do?

A:

Thank you for reaching out with this question. I know it can be a vulnerable topic to talk about. You bring up a lot of points in your question that need to be addressed, so I’ll do my best to take them in order.

First, the way you refer to the fetish as "growing too fast" seems to imply some kind of judgment. It’s important to know that there are many different ways bodies can receive pleasure, and as long as you’re not harming yourself, I think they should all be celebrated. The anal area is incredibly sensitive, and even more so for people with prostates. There’s a great deal of pleasure to be had, but it’s important to learn to do so safely.

You say that you make your own toys. Depending how you’re making them, and what you’re making them from, that can be dangerous. There are a lot of considerations that go into making a safe anal toy. (And daily stories from the ER of anal play gone wrong, like people losing toys inside their bodies.)

Toys for anal play must have some kind of flared or wide base that cannot possibly be sucked inside your body. It’s also important that they be made of a body safe and fully sanitizable material. Silicone dildos and toys made for prostate play (like those from Aneros) are a great place to start and there are a wide range of styles and sizes to choose from. For more information, check out the book The Ultimate Guide to Prostate Pleasure. It includes not only anatomy information, but tips about safety and toys, too.

Enemas also come with risks that should be considered. Although the occasional enema can be fun and pleasurable, overuse can cause a variety of problems. The nozzle itself can be harsh and cause tearing or damage if you’re not careful. Also, you need to choose the enema solution carefully, too. Some can cause irritation to the lining of the colon, especially with repeated use.

The lining of the rectum and colon is very porous, and your body can absorb whatever you use as an enema solution. So you have to make sure you don’t throw off your body’s electrolyte balance, etc. Frequent enemas can also inhibit your body’s ability to process nutrients. Also, enemas can damage the muscles in the colon, potentially making it difficult for your intestines to do their job of moving waste out of your body.

Lastly, it sounds like your relationship with your wife needs some work. While there are many reasons people stay in sexless marriages, I think ultimately that ends up being unsustainable and detrimental to one or both people’s well being. "When sex stops happening in relationships, without agreement from both parties, a series of challenges can arise individually as well as interpersonally. At the individual level this shift can lead to a diminished sense of self, fear, anxiety, and depression, and sexual problems. At the relationship level, forced celibacy builds resentment, tension and creates withdrawal from other areas of potential connection and relationship growth," says sex therapist Angie Gunn.

It can be be best to seek professional assistance with some of these issues. Either a sex coach like myself, or a sex positive therapist.

Good luck and stay safe!

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Written by Stella Harris
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Stella Harris is an erotica writer, BDSM educator, and sex & intimacy coach. She teaches for a variety of sex-positive organizations in Portland, Oregon in addition to leading and organizing her own public classes and offering private instruction. Publication highlights include several anthologies by Cleis Press and a series of tantalizing and informative articles on kinkly.com. Through her writing and teaching she explores the complex world of love and lust and strives to help people explore their kinks safely and free of shame. You can learn more about Stella on her website, www.stellaharris.net

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