Real talk: I don’t understand the widespread appeal of squirting. I get that many men take it as “proof,” or liquid evidence of actual orgasm (even though female ejaculate isn’t always associated with orgasm.) According to Pornhub, women are 44% more likely to search for squirting videos compared to men, so maybe I’m in the minority.

As someone who regularly online dates, it’s a dealbreaker when a potential date introduces themselves and then immediately asks, “Do you squirt?”

It’s a red flag for a slew of reasons and is usually an indicator that they’ve gotten way too much (unrealistic) sex ed from porn.

If you squirt, great. If you don’t, that’s great too. There’s a lot of guilt and stigma surrounding this one. People with vulvas are often made to feel inadequate if they can’t squirt.

On the flipside, I’ve had partners feel less-than that they couldn’t make me squirt. Maybe if we stopped making this so-called “achievement” such a marker of “success” people would calm the fuck down.

Read: 6 Myths to Stop Believing About Squirting

I’ve squirted exactly twice.

The first time, I was in suspension bondage at a kink event and was being vigorously finger banged in front of a very enthusiastic audience. I was mortified when it happened and did not let on for a second to my date/rigger that it was the first time.

The second time, I’d had a bad day and a partner splayed me over my dining room table and told me he’d make me come over and over again until I made him to stop. Again, when it happened, it was totally unexpected.

I was aghast.

I want my partners to be happy, and if squirting is something that pushes their buttons, I’m sure could learn to go with with the literal flow. That said, it hasn’t been a skillset I’ve sought out or tried to hone. Nor have any of my partners expressed any particular interest in this act. (TBH, I really hate doing laundry and could really use a service sub, but that’s a different story.)

Read: Squirting: Why It May Never Happen to You (and That's OK)

“It seems like squirting is a double-edged sword in some ways, because some women are super embarrassed by it,” says Jenny Block, author of The Ultimate Guide to Solo Sex.

“Those are usually the women who happen to do it all the time and they don't even know how or why and then they're worried about ruining the bed linens and all that.” Block tells women, “It is what it is.”

That said, if you DO want to go chasing waterfalls, there are tips, toys, and techniques to help make female ejaculation happen.

I went to a squirting workshop.

I recently attended the "Ohhh Em G! G-Spotting and Squirting Mini-Lesson" at Babeland in Seattle. On a wintery Friday night, close to two dozen people packed the Pike Street store. Seattleites are flaky AF when it comes to attendance, so it made my sex-positive loving heart to see so many people show up.

With complimentary bubbly in hand (a helpful social lubricant for some), Abby, our fearless leader, kicked off the festivities by guiding the group through some common myths regarding G-spots and squirting.

Myth 1: The G-Spot Isn't Real

The G-spot is real. There’s a lot of controversy surrounding this topic.

Abby explained to the group where to find the mysterious G-spot (and I loved their clear description):

“If you’re lying on your back, it’s one-third of the way into the vagina, on the belly-button side. Stick a finger in there and make a ‘come hither’ motion, and you should be able to feel it. Once stimulated, it should feel like a golf ball covered in skin.”

Guests nodded and smiled; no one looked like a deer in the headlight, which I took as a positive sign.

Read: How Squirting Gets Tied to Self-Worth (and Why It Shouldn't)

Myth 2: All Vulva-Owners Like G-Spot Stimulation

Next up, “You’re not broken if you don’t like G-spot stimulation,” they explained. “Every body is different, and we respond to touch, pressure, rhythm so differently.”

You should never engage in any sexual activity that you’re uncomfortable with, and if this type of stimulation doesn’t feel good, there are plenty of other ways to experience pleasure.

If you do like this type of touch, Abby explained how the easiest way to stimulate the G-spot is through firm, rhythmic pressure. The easiest way to do it is by making a “come hither” gesture with your fingers back and forth on the G-spot like you’re begging someone to come toward you, or you can use a sex toy with a curve.

Abby recommended “unforgiving toys,” such as those made of glass, hard plastic or stainless steel. These toys have the ability to stimulate through the vaginal wall. Abby recommended We-Vibe’s Rave, for its weirdly asymptotical curved efficacy in hitting the G-spot just right.

“If you feel like you’re going to make a mess, you’re on the right track.”

Pro tip: You and your partner may have better luck by propping a pillow under the vulva-haver’s butt to elevate the pelvic area and enable deeper penetration. And if you find yourself having success, the Liberator Fascinator Throw is a squirter’s best bedroom accessory.

Read: The 4 Basic Steps to G-Spot Bliss

Myth 3: Squirting Is Urine

And then Abby clarified one of the biggest myths – that the post-play liquid evidence from squirting isn’t urine. “Everyone has the ability to squirt – it depends upon your ability to build up fluid,” they said.

Backdoor Fun

Abby then moved onto prostate play, and some obvious, but oft-overlooked safety tips. Much like the G-spot, the prostate, or P-spot, if located and properly stimulated wither via digital massage, sex toys or pegging, can induce some intense orgasms for your partner.

Remember, bullets vibes are not your friend when it comes to butt play. Put only flared toys with a firm base in your anus!

“Think safe and stable,” said Abby. Also, too much stimulation to the prostate is apparently a “boner killer” since the blood refocuses itself away from the penis. The solution? Abby suggested popping a cock ring on that erection to maintain it.

They also encouraged people not to overlook manual stimulation of the G-spot and prostate combined with more readily available tools, like your hands or mouth.

To quote former pro tennis player Arthur Ashe, “Start where you are, use what you have, do what you can.” Although he was talking about taking on life’s challenges, the same principles could easily be applied to G-spot, prostate and squirting play.

Read: The 5 Rules of Anal Play for Women

My best takeaway from the workshop?

Squirting and not squirting are both normal.

If you want to make it happen, there definitely are ways to encourage it. Keep learning and exploring. Read books and articles and attend workshops.

Just keep in mind, although squirting is a lovely sexual phenomenon, it’s by no means superior to any other type of pleasure or orgasm.