Do you feel like your sex life is a bit stale? Are you lacking in libido or wondering how to express your wants and needs with a partner?
As a therapeutic writing teacher, and practitioner, I’ve used therapeutic journaling to help myself and others reconnect with their sexual self for more pleasure and enjoyment. Journaling is one of my favourite tried and tested ways to put a spark back into my sex life. Putting words down on the page can be a powerful first step to making something happen in the bedroom.
One recent example of this was when I moved overseas. I was preoccupied with packing up boxes, arranging the practical aspects of our move, finding somewhere to live, as well as the usual day to day practicalities of being a working parent. After two months of living like this, I barely felt like a sexual being anymore.
I picked up my pen. And I wrote. I wrote about all the things that made it impossible for me to even think about sex, let alone have any.
Almost as soon as I did so, I started to feel desire again. I started to feel like a sexual person. Nothing had changed in my circumstances. My life was still busy. Yet, journaling helped me to create a little space in my mind to be sexual again.
What do you want from your sex life? Do you want to boost your libido with some erotic fantasies? Do you want to feel brave enough to share your most intimate fantasy with a new partner? Or do you simply want to feel excited by the idea of having sex again? Whatever your want from your sex life, writing it down can help.
Here’s how you can get started.
Freewriting is simply writing down whatever thoughts come into your head. It’s really a form of meditative listening to what you really want to say and then putting it down on the page.
So, how do you feel about your sex life? What’s going well? What’s not going so well? What would you like to change? Simply write down whatever thoughts pop into your mind as you read these questions. Then follow where your mind takes you.
Whatever you do, don’t censor yourself. Don’t judge yourself and your thoughts. Just write it all down. Trust that your intuition is leading you through your struggles and worries to insights you need to know.
This is a practise that you can do regularly any time you want to reconnect with your sexual self. Even as little as 15 to 20 minutes can help. Just write for whatever amount of time feels good.
In our busy lives, we often get disconnected from our bodies and our sexuality. You can use writing as a way to step back into conscious awareness of feeling.
Repeat the freewriting exercise above, and this time notice how your body feels as you write. Describe the sensations you have in your body as you sit in your chair. Notice any pleasurable or non-pleasurable sensations, and write them down. Try to notice the small, subtle sensations that you don't normally notice.
In the book Liberation Into Orgasm, Tantra teacher Sofia Sundari explains that conscious awareness of our body helps us to notice that ‘even the slightest sensation of pleasure in the body is orgasmic.’
You can use writing as a key to tap into your orgasmic self, and experience your full potential.
Recount Favourite Sexual Memories
Writing down your favourite sexual memories can be a great way to connect with who you are sexually, and what you like. First, brainstorm a top 10 (or 20 or 50!) of your best sexual encounters of all time. Once you create a list, you can dive deeper and describe them.
Use as many of the five senses as you can to really bring the scene to life. Notice how you feel as you re-live the moment. You might want to describe that, too.
You could also experiment with bringing in an element of fantasy. Perhaps you want to change the scene to a more exotic location, or turn a twosome into a threesome?
Your own sexual past can be a way to enhance your sexual present and future, whether you are focusing on fantasy or reality.
Write about Your Fantasies
Write down ten fantasies. Choose whatever pops into your head. Again, don’t censor yourself. The page won’t judge you. Focus on how the fantasy would feel in your body, as well as what you would see, smell, taste, and touch.
Create an Imaginary Partner
If you don’t have a partner, or even if you do and just want to have some fun, close your eyes and visualise your ideal partner.
What do they look like? What do they smell like? How do they touch you? What do they say to you? What kind of accent do they have? After spending a few minutes fantasising write out a description of them.
After that you could begin an imaginary diary of your sexual encounters.
Find Your Voice
In the moment of sex, we often get swept away. We don’t always find our voice to say what we like, and what we don’t like.
Finding your voice on the page can be the first step to finding your voice in life. Perhaps there was a way your partner touched you that you didn't really like, but you are a people pleaser so you just went on with it in the moment. You may not have been consciously aware that you didn’t like it.
So, create a diary where you record your sexual encounters. Record what you liked, and what you didn't like. This can help you to become more focused on what brings you pleasure, so you can invite more of it into your life.
Your Dream Sex Life
When athletes are in training, they often use visualisation to help them succeed. They imagine themselves passing through the finish line, and they incorporate all of their senses to create a vivid scene.
This creates a powerful mental perspective that they are going to win. Their actions naturally help them to manifest this reality.
So although you might want to use your sex journal to vent about your disappointing sex life to get the negative feelings out of your system, you might also want to use it to dream big.
How do you want your sex life to be? Who are you having sex with and how often? What are you doing together?
Dream big. Get wild.
Don’t censor yourself based on what you think is possible to attain. Write it all down on the page and watch it become a reality.
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