Our way through this has been checking in with everyone during each phase of the experience – getting to know one another, intimacy, aftercare.
READ: Finding and Caring for a Third in a Threesome: A Unicorn Guide.
3. I've Neglected My Agency—And That Never Feels Good
For a while I was letting James’ attraction determine the partners we brought into the bedroom. And when I felt unsure about someone, I chose to trust James’ desire over my own.
This led to anxiety surrounding pursuing my fantasy because I relinquished my right to negotiate. For a while I felt it wasn’t my place to say who James participated in this fantasy with because he is more “actively” involved. But what we both realized was, even when I’m not physically invested, I am always emotionally invested.
So, respecting my need for connection and comfort, regardless of what my participation looks like, is required.
4. I've Mistaken Friends As Potential Cuckcakes
This is two-fold. First, sex and friendship are complicated in my head—even if, theoretically, I know it’s possible and exciting. Secondly, I have this tragic flaw of “thinking for other people,” and have wondered if James sees all of our female friends as potential cuckcakes. This has created tension because James feels he can’t speak freely without offending me, or me making assumptions about his intentions.
READ: So, You Want to Try FWB (Friends With Benefits)?
My husband enjoys speaking about sex generally; and I have oftentimes misinterpreted this as a "come on!". Communicating this fear and creating our "red list"—people who are completely off limits as potential partners—has helped. On top of that, keeping certain friendships separate from sex has relieved my concerns and stopped me from overanalyzing situations or conversations.
5. I Didn't Want My Husband Sleeping With Someone "Prettier" Than Me
During my remission from bulimia nervosa, I dealt with body dysmorphia and continued to value myself based on my appearance. I have since worked through this; but there are still times I find it difficult to share James with someone I perceive as more attractive. I’m learning that:
- Beauty is subjective.
- Our relationship is stronger than the appeal of superficial beauty.
- I can also enjoy another person’s beauty for myself.
- What turns us on has less to do with superficialities and more to do with connection.
6. I've Had to Interrogate My Motives
One day, my mother asked me if my fetish is a response to past betrayals. In other words, is being a cuckquean a means of controlling what I see as inevitable (infidelity)?
If I spend too much time focusing on the “why” behind my cuckness, I can reach some dark places. But that doesn’t change this simple truth: Despite its origin, my cuckness brings me joy and pleasure.
Sometimes that is enough.
READ: The Joy of Finding Your Fetish.
7. I've Felt Emotionally Exploited
Lexi was an online sex friend of James’ during the earlier days of this fantasy. We agreed that her and James would have online access to one another without my involvement.
READ: How to Expand Your Online Erotic Adventures.
But what started out as playful and fun quickly turned exhausting for the two of us: James began receiving hordes of messages from Lexi whereby she shared everything that was wrong in her life. As empathetic people, we thought we could offer some emotional support. To our disappointment, though, she wasn’t looking for a solution to her problems—nor did she have any intention of changing her situation. Instead, she was using James as her emotional waste bin. So we cut it off.
James and I are open to real conversations with real people; however, if most of our interactions are pseudo-therapy, we don’t have the capacity to continue.
8. I've Had Uncomfortable Conversations With Loved Ones
Because I am a sex blogger and speak about my non-monogamous relationship publicly, word has gotten back to my parents—ugh!—about certain aspects of my lifestyle. In response, my mother, out of concern, has sought clarity about my relationship (love you mom!).
What started out as very squeamish discussions resulted in the installation of boundaries. I quickly learned to honor those boundaries while informing them about the realities of ethical non-monogamy and kink.
READ: The Shy Person’s Guide to Talking About Sex.
Conclusion: Strive for Progress, Not Perfection
Pleasure is my compass. And despite the occasional blip, I know I’m on the right path. Like a child learning to walk, you will fall sometimes. Let those moments be opportunities for communication and growth!
Continue to get up and honor that compass because there is nothing more pleasurable than knowing and accepting your kinky self.
And if you find this terrain difficult to navigate, I recommend finding a kink-positive professional—such as a therapist or mentor—who can support you on your journey. Building relationships with professionals who understand the diverse nature of sexuality creates a safe container for your desires—as well as a place you can unravel expired narratives and build sexual confidence.
Until next time,
Fuck well, friends!