A Step-by-Step Guide to Negotiating Consent

By now, you should know that it’s not OK to touch someone’s body without permission. Yet, nearly every damn day there’s news of some actor, politician, or collegiate who’s crossed these lines (and clearly should’ve known better).

Although the #MeToo comeuppance seems to have shot up out of nowhere, consent violations, like chickens, have come home to roost. I don’t know a single woman who hasn’t been harassed, raped, objectified, or groped. We’ve all been there.

An American is sexually assaulted every 98 seconds. One in 3 women will experience sexual violence in their lifetime (compared to 1 in 6 men.) The viral #MeToo hashtag is a godsend for those who wanted to break their silence about sexual harassment and assault. In this era, consent is a serious topic everywhere from the ball field to the boardroom. These important conversations not only benefit the greater good, but provide a safer landscape for survivors to get help and support.

What often gets overlooked in these dialogues, though, is how you establish consent in real-life scenarios – without killing the mood. Here's a step-by-step guide to helping you navigate your relationships to ensure your encounters are ethical, consensual and fun.

Step 1 - Understand the Meaning of Consent

The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines “consent” as “to give assent or approval.” In simple terms, consent is clear, enthusiastic and communicated.

We should all agree that we want ourselves and our partners to be enthusiastic about sex, right? That means there has to be a hard stop on sexual activity if your partner is silent, drunk, stoned, or indifferent. Sure, an unequivocal “yes” is critical, but so is paying attention to your partner’s physical and emotional cues. That said, it’s dicey to negotiate consent based strictly on body language, since there are so many ways to perceive nonverbal behavior.

Repeat after me: The absence of “no” does not mean yes. “No” is a complete sentence.

“It's important to be comfortable saying, and hearing, the word ‘no’ in conversations around consent,” says Jennifer Rahner of GeekySexyLove.com. “Asking questions about someone's no is permissible, but be careful not to appear coercive and trying to change a no.”

When you hear a no, Rahner recommends reassuring your partner than you have heard them and understand their no. Some great phrases to become comfortable using:

• "Thank you for letting me know."
• "Thank you – may I ask again later?"
• "Thank you for taking care of yourself."
• "Thank you – I appreciate we can talk about our wants and desires so directly."

“Make sure you recognize the positive aspects of hearing no,” says Rahner. “It's a learning experience on a path to getting to know a partner or potential partner and is an excellent barometer for monitoring compatibility.”

If you still have questions about what is and isn’t consent, check out this British public service video comparing sex to offering someone a cup of tea. This. Is. Everything.

Read: Why Consent Is More Complicated Than a Cup of Tea

Step 2 - Learn How to Negotiate Verbal Agreements

Consent is a conscious decision-making process. It must be informed, meaning that someone who’s being asked for their consent understands the full scope of what they're being asked to participate in. For example, if someone’s asleep or under the influence of drugs or alcohol, they may be unable to give consent in an informed way.

The purpose of these conversations is to articulate your sexual likes and dislikes, boundaries, sexual history, and safer sex practices. Keep in mind, any one of these things can change over the course of a relationship (and probably will, which is why it's important to check in with your partner on a regular basis). Try to avoid having these conversations when you’re already hot, bothered and naked. Best-case scenario? Set up time to talk with a partner in a relaxed environment where you can have a productive two-way dialogue.

If you don’t have a lot of experience with these types of conversations, it can be awkward at first. That’s normal. The thing is, the more you have these intimate pre-play talks, the more comfortable they become. They can actually be a total turn-on!

Step 3 - Understand What's Required to Get Consent

One of my partners is basically the poster child for consent. On our first date, he leaned across the table and asked if it was OK to kiss me. It was the hottest thing ever. When he took me back to his place on a later date, he explicitly checked in every step of the way: “May I touch you here/take this off…” As we shifted gears from kissing to touching to getting naked, I felt safe and had agency as things escalated.

A big myth in our society is that talking about consent ahead of time ruins the vibe. Rahner believes that couldn’t be farther from the truth. She says consent can be discussed while flirting. “Fine tune your non-verbal flirting skills to include sexy talk and talk about what you want from a new partner. Confidence and direct talk can be incredibly hot!”

“There's nothing sexier than someone who says, ‘Can I kiss you? Can I touch? Do you want to? Should we wait till our next date to?’” says Jenny Block, author of The Ultimate Guide to Solo Sex. “It's all about how it's couched.”

“You have to have complete, total consent. And it has to be the kind of consent your mama would be proud of,” says Block. “Would your mama say you were being polite to that young lady or would she say you were pushing her, ‘Come on baby. Come on baby' is not sexy.”