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My partner won't provide oral during foreplay. What can I do?

Q:

My man doesn’t like to give oral. I’m OK with that, but feel like foreplay is a little one sided (because I still give oral). What do I do? I would still like to enjoy some foreplay that is more balanced.

A:

Ouch. I have heard about this. As long as you’re OK with why he isn’t going down, I won’t go there. However, I absolutely understand why you would want to still enjoy foreplay. Recent studies I have read suggest that a woman needs up to 20 minutes of foreplay to be "ready" for vaginal sex.

With that said, I am going to work off the assumption that you haven’t relayed any of this to him at this point. So, why not suggest trying something new? When I say suggest trying something new to him, I mean be very specific. If there are certain foreplay activities that you would like to incorporate into your sexual repertoire. Do you have specific things in mind that you want? I do recommend doing your homework. Know what you want or what you are willing to try that you feel is within his realm, too. Being vague is going to be unhelpful.

Would you like more touch? If so, tell him where to touch you and how. Perhaps, if you’re comfortable, try masturbating for him to show him how to manually stimulate you. If you are looking for a more gentle approach, ask for a sexy massage. Instruct him to touch you with different pressures with his hands, tongue, or other instruments on nongenital (as well as genital) parts. You could also initiate this by offering to give him one to show him what you mean. As he goes through exploring you, try to provide some feedback as to whether you are enjoying something or not (so he knows to do it again, or not).

There are also a variety of games at your local sex toy store, like sexy dice or card games, that will tell him how and where to touch you. If you have sex toys, ask him to "help" you use one during a round.

If you and your man have good, solid communication, you could just tell him that you feel things are a little one sided and would like him to participate a little more. He may very well be waiting on your cue, and you aren’t giving him one.

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Written by Karen Washington
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Karen Washington is a graduate of the Adler School of Professional Psychology and is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist. She specializes in sex therapy, with a foundation in communication and self esteem. Karen works with couples and individuals through discrepancy, dysfunction and disorder to achieve their desired sex life. She firmly believes in presenting education and information through the lens of humor, especially when it comes to sex. Full Bio

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