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Where and how can I train as a submissive?

Molly Moore
Profile Picture of Molly Moore Molly Moore is a writer, blogger, photographer and public speaker and whilst juggling all this she is also a mother and wife. She lives in the U.K. with her husband, whom she had especially imported from the United States, in a full time D/s relationship. She is the writer of the award winning sex blog Molly's Daily Kiss.  Full Bio

I am interested in formally training as a submissive. Where and how can I do that?


This questions makes me ponder the idea of some sort of 'School for submissives.' I wonder what that would look like. It is certainly a theme explored in many BDSM novels. From hotels to Castle dungeons, the idea of a formal training school for submissives has become such a common storyline that it is almost a cliché. Possible the most famous fictional submissive training school is the Château of Roissy from The Story of O. Alas, it is fictional. To be the best of my knowledge, apart from the odd BDSM/Fet club that likes to think of itself as a 'School for submissives,' nothing like it really actually exists. However, do not despair because there are others ways to receive formal training. Here are my suggestions:

1. Educate yourself. This includes knowing yourself and what things turn you on and what things turn you off. There will be things you have never experienced, but does the idea of them make you hot and bothered or leave you cold? The more you know about what fires you up, the more likely you are to successfully find a partner(s) who can meet your needs. The Internet is awash with information, but a good place to start would be Submissive Guide. It has a vast amount of comprehensive writing on the subject of submission. Also, check out the blogger list and find the submissive bloggers there who particularly appeal to you.

2. Talk to people. Talk to Doms subs, switches, and others involved in the scene. Listen to their experiences and thoughts. It will help you realize what a vast array of human sexuality is encompassed within kink. Find out how other people make their relationships work for them. This will help you work out the type of Dom/sub relationship would work best for you.

3. Get out into the community. This is where you will find people to talk to and where you can make friends. Being part of a community will give you access to information and help you make friends with other kinky folks. Having a friendship group that is supportive will be invaluable to you.

4. Find a mentor(s). A mentor is someone who should be able to help you with all of the above and more. Many people believe that mentors should be of the same D/s status as yourself and you should only have one. I don't necessarily agree with that. Lots of people know lots of different things. Why restrict yourself to learning from just one individual? I think it does help to have someone of the same kink status as yourself as a mentor, but I truly believe the best mentor(s) are the people you really click with regardless of their gender or D/s status. The only mentor I ever had was a male Dominant who lived on the other side of the planet. I learned more about D/s, kink, my submission, and the type of Dominant that I wanted to be with from that one person than from anyone else.

5. Find the right Dominant for you. Armed with all the above knowledge, you are far more likely to get this final key step right. Finding a partner, someone who understands you and your particular brand of submission, is clearly the key to everything. It is with this person(s) that you will get to learn, explore, and grow as a submissive. Take your time to make sure they are right for you. Do not give your submission to the first domly type who 'demands' it. Just as you must earn their dominance, they must earn your submission.

You can only be 'a good submissive' if you are submitting to someone who suits your particular type of submission. I am the right sub for my Dom and he is the right Dom for me. We work perfectly together because the particular kinks we have match up. I am not a domestic submissive. I am not one to kneel silently in the corner waiting for instructions. I have a tendency to be feisty and challenging. There are many Doms out there would find my type brand of submission completely unacceptable to them. I am sure that there are plenty who would accuse me of 'not being a true/real submissive.' They would be wrong about that, too. I am not a submissive that suits their particular needs, but I am still a submissive.

For example, there is no point in being trained by a Dom who likes their subs to lick their feet if doing that is something that would be on your hard list of limits. Knowing yourself is the key to finding the right person to share your submission with and explore and learn together.

Have a question? Ask Molly here.

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