Orgasm denial made me feel grumpy instead of sexy! What is wrong with me?

Molly Moore
Profile Picture of Molly Moore Molly Moore is a writer, blogger, photographer and public speaker and whilst juggling all this she is also a mother and wife. She lives in the U.K. with her husband, whom she had especially imported from the United States, in a full time D/s relationship. She is the writer of the award winning sex blog Molly's Daily Kiss.  Full Bio
Q:

My Dom found a website dedicated to orgasm denial. After reading lots about it, he decided to introduce it to our relationship. At first it was fun. He would spend most of the day teasing me on the phone or by text while we were both at work and then make me wait in the evening before letting me cum. As time has gone on, the periods of waiting have become longer. I have found myself not only losing interest but feeling cross and resentful. I have tried talking to him about it. He just laughs and tells me that is all part of the kink. It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.


A:

Well, the most important thing you need to realize is that there is NOTHING wrong with you. Just because this is not working out for you does not mean you are the problem. Orgasm denial can be a lot of sexy fun, but if it's not managed well then it can easily turn into something that starts to feel frustrating and annoying. We have played with this kink and while the build-up and teasing over a period of hours or maybe a day or so can be exciting and fun. We have also discovered that if the waiting goes on too long then that exciting anticipation quickly turns to resentment and frustration for me and as you state perfectly: I feel grumpy and not sexy.

There is a fine line between the two different outcomes, but we have only learned this from trial and error and by openly communicating with each other about how we feel. So, you can see why I am fairly confident when I say there is nothing wrong with you.

Everyone is different. We don't all like the same thing and we don't all react the same way to things. For some people, being made to wait extended periods of time for an orgasm is seriously hot. For others, it just doesn't work that way. In your case, it would appear that your partner seems to have become focused on the theory of orgasm control and lost sight of how it is actually working out ... which is not very well.

I really think that you need to sit down with your partner and explain to him how you are feeling. His retort that this is "all part of the kink" shows he that he has not really picked up on how negatively you are feeling about this. It is vital that you communicate this to him so that you can both work back to the place where it was fun and exciting.

Reading up on the theory of various kinks is a great way to learn and inspire new play within a relationship. The real key is adapting what you read into something that works for the individuals involved instead of applying what you read as if it was a step-by-step guide. After all, kink is about consent and meeting the needs of those involved. You do not have to consent to this part of it if it does not make you feel good. The only way for the two of you to make this work is to really talk and listen to one another. Discuss what it is about the kink that does it for you and what makes it work for him. Then, work out how that can be combined so that everyone is having sexy fun. Don't accuse him of doing it wrong, but you do need to be really clear about how you are feeling. Explain that for this kink to work for you that things need to be adapted.

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