Is it wise for a novice Dom and a novice sub to get together?

Molly Moore
Profile Picture of Molly Moore Molly Moore is a writer, blogger, photographer and public speaker and whilst juggling all this she is also a mother and wife. She lives in the U.K. with her husband, whom she had especially imported from the United States, in a full time D/s relationship. She is the writer of the award winning sex blog Molly's Daily Kiss.  Full Bio
Q:

I haven't had much experience with real life kink play, but I have done lots of reading and playing online and now I feel ready for more. I recently met a lovely guy on a vanilla dating website and we've been out a few times. It turns out that he's a novice Dom and we have a similar level of experience. I really like him and we would like to experiment with BDSM, but I'm concerned about the fact that neither of us will be able to act as an experienced guide. Any tips?

A:

This is a very common concern and a question I've been asked more times than I can count. My short answer? A novice sub and a novice dom are the perfect combination.

Now for my longer answer. Past experience, or lack thereof, is nowhere near as important as finding someone that you click with. It doesn't really matter how experienced a dom or a sub is. Each new relationship should be treated as just that - new. Therefore, you both have the same level of experience when it comes to knowledge of one another. All new relationships are about learning about the other person - about who they are, what they like, what makes them tick - not just sexually but about everything from favourite food and books to habits and past jobs. Kink relationships are no different.

Even the most experienced Dom or sub faces difficulties when starting a D/s relationship with someone new. Your knowledge of what worked with your previous partner(s) might afford you some insight into possible activities to try, but, of course, it's hard to know exactly what will and won't work with a new partner. You'll have to figure that out together.

Sometimes, too much experience can even be a negative thing. Factors such as learned behaviour, expectations and assumptions from past relationships can often be carried forward into new relationships, and this rarely works out well.

The key to a good D/s relationship is, without doubt, communication and connection, not experience. If you have found a partner whom you feel you can be open and honest with and are connected to, then you are most definitely on the right path. Experience will grow between the two of you as you explore and learn together, and that's the fun part!

Don't be afraid to make mistakes. Know-it-alls are dangerous in my opinion, and we all misstep sometimes. That doesn't mean that you should be reckless (especially not about protection), but mistakes will happen. Prepare for them as best you can and always try to learn from them.

This is a question that is close to my heart, because when I met my husband, we were both novices. Like you I had played online, and also had had one short relationship which featured D/s play scenes, but that was it. I knew I was a sub but I didn't really know what that specifically meant for me. My husband had always enjoyed being a Top in the bedroom but had never been a Dom before and had only indulged in fairly light D/s play.

Our lack of previous experience was not a negative factor, though, because what we did have was passion for one another, an ability to communicate and a deep desire to learn about each other as individuals, and ourselves as a couple. I found out that, with the right person, the journey together can be absolutely amazing. My advice is to embrace the challenge - enjoy it and learn together. The fact that you're with the right partner is far more important than any previous experience your partner may or may not have had.

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