My partner and I talked about having a threesome, but she hasn't mentioned it since. What gives?

Karen Washington
Profile Picture of Karen Washington Karen Washington is a graduate of the Adler School of Professional Psychology with a masters degree in Marriage and Family Therapy. She is an aspiring sex therapist, with a foundation in communication and self esteem. She has conducted research on communication, dating dynamics, and infertility counseling. Karen firmly believes in presenting education and information through the lens of humor, especially when it comes to sex.  Full Bio
Q:

My partner and I had a conversation some time ago about having a threesome. I keep waiting for her to bring it up again, but she hasn't mentioned it since. I don't get it.

A: I want you to think back very carefully, and try to remember which one of you brought up the threesome. Was it you or your partner? The way you address this situation will depend largely on who initiated your first discussion. If she was the one who bought the idea of a threesome to the table, then don't be afraid to ask her about it. There could be an infinite number of reasons why she never mentioned it again, or why nothing has happened. I recommend treading lightly; gently remind her of the conversation you two had regarding bringing a third to the party, and then ask her if this is something she is still interested in doing. Perhaps you could suggest a night out, during which the two of you will look for a contender together, to satisfy both of your tastes. I do not recommend bringing a friend of yours (or hers) to the threesome, as this could affect your power dynamic and bring about unecessary insecurities. Both you and your partner should participate equally in choosing your third.

If you were the one who originally suggested introducing a third, you might as well quit waiting. When a man mentions he wants a threesome, his partner might respond in a number of ways. Some women will be just as into it as their partners are, for their own reasons. There will also be those that adamantly refuse to try a threesome. If your partner agreed to a threesome the first time you suggested it, it may be because she knows it is something you want and she wishes to be involved in your fantasies. However, she may not be too excited about having another woman be the object of your affection, even for a night. In this case, she may never bring up the threesome again. You will have to re-initiate the conversation and confirm whether she is still interested. If she is amenable to the idea, ask her to be a part of the process. It is important that your partner not feel excluded from decisions like picking your third, the location (whether it be your home or a hotel), and the date of your private party. Rather than focusing soley on your own fantasies and desires, try to approach the threesome experience as a way of spicing up your sex life as a couple, thus bringing you closer to one another.

Regardless of whose idea it was, check in with your partner. Make sure she is still legitimately on board with a threesome, and that you are too. Have a conversation about what exactly you are both looking for, and lay down some guidelines or rules to operate by so that no one’s feelings are hurt in the process.

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