When you're a woman, companies can't wait to tell you what you need to fix. Too fat? Too thin? Boobs not perky enough? Eyelashes woefully under-luxurious? There's a product for everything. The sad thing is all those helpful products and hints don't stop with our outsides.

Retailers and purveyors of clickbait alike offer an array intimate-enhancement products—and they can't wait to tell us just where to stick them.

To be fair, though, not all the newest vaginal gadgets and trends are about glamour or beautification. Some are about sensation, scientific theory, and whimsy. Let's talk about some of the craziest insertion trends happening today, and why you should probably definitely avoid most of them.

Foodstuffs in Your Fun Stuff

Recently, noted author and gynecologist Dr. Jennifer Gunter sent out a general warning via Twitter. Apparently, women were inserting garlic in their vaginas to treat yeast infections. The internet, home of flat-earthers and anti-vaxxers, said it was a good idea.

It isn't. It's ineffective, painful, and dangerous.

Worse, there's a trend called figging which involves insertion of raw or powdered ginger. Unlike garlic, figging is not therapeutic. Fans say they enjoy the burn, and may even graduate to using hot peppers. Personally, I have nothing against ginger, spicy food, or garlic – but I do think they go better with pasta than pussy.

Putting food in your lady bits is a bad idea, with sugary items being particularly dangerous. Anything not specially formulated for internal slathering should be a no go. Food in your bathing suit zone can introduce harmful bacteria, throw off your PH, or leave you open to any number of infections.

If you're not careful, you could even wind up in the emergency room for an uncomfortable and embarrassing extraction.

Audio Equipment

I'm not a mom, but I'm told that moms and moms-to-be are constantly inundated with unsolicited advice and offers of bizarre gadgets. One of these, the BabyPod, was so needlessly invasive that we can only assume it was invented by an unmarried Republican man. It's a speaker shaped like…wait for it…a tampon.

This is so it can be inserted so the fetus can jam along with the mom to all the latest tunes.

Okay, we need not be flippant about the impact music can have on the mood of mother and developing fetus. That's probably real. It seems unlikely that the best way to transmit the vibrations of music has to be via the birth canal. We're never opposed to new toys that vibrate.

In this situation, a speaker on the belly probably works just as well. At least one gynecologist, Dr. Donnica Moore, claims that there's zero evidence of why or how intravaginal audio tech would work saying: "We don't know if there's a sound or decibel level too high for a fetus. Maybe there's a reason our bodies don't come equipped with vaginal speakers."

Indeed.

Glitterbombs

By now, hundreds of women have purchased Passion Dust Intimacy Capsules. Which is fine. But at least dozens of women have probably used them, which is not so great. Sure, it might seem super whimsical to have one's bone-zone erupt with candy-flavored sparkles. But in real life, human bodies don't really do that.

If you need to screw something you want to pretend is full of candy, I humbly suggest getting your giggity on with a piñata.

These insertable bombs are made with FDA-approved lubricant and skin-safe cosmetics. But here's the thing—skin safe and safe-for-vaginal insertion are not remotely the same thing. Just as you wouldn't put lipstick or eyeshadow on your privates, avoid glittering up your nethers as well.

Eggs (Alien, Jade, or Avian Origin)

Wait, what? Let's start by laughing a bit about the $100 jade eggs sold at the Goop store. Everyone done laughing? Cool.

There exists in the world, a device called an "Ovipositor." Just like it sounds, an ovipositor deposits gelatin "eggs" into the orifice of the user's choice. This is typically vaginal, but cis dudes often get in on the flip-side of that action as well. A few minutes or up to an hour later for some enthusiasts, the "eggs" are expelled, providing what fans describe as a "pleasing sploosh."

We don't want to judge what others find sexy. That said, if you're going to give this a whirl, it's imperative that you use plain gelatin. You also need a plan of action in case anything gets stuck. I'm told that plain gelatin is used for this because it's not harmful if it remains in the body until it dissolves.

We say you should clear that with an actual doctor before trying it for yourself. And for goodness sake, don't substitute a "regular" egg. There's a reason people aren't happy when their windows get egged—it's impossible to clean.

Healing Crystals for Your Hoo-ha

Let me ask you outdoorsy types—when you're out in the woods, how often do you masturbate with sticks or rocks you find out there? I'm guessing the answer is approximately never. Even if the rocks are really pretty and you want to be super in tune with the earth, most people know that's just not the way.

We question whether or not a rock can be sufficiently sterilized in the first place.

The folks at Chakrubs offer a line of 'healing crystal' dildos and yoni eggs. These are smooth, polished up versions of natural rose quartz, amethyst, or onyx. I'm all about feeling awesome and being conscientious about our use of plastics and such. But come on.

In addition to rocks being porous, not santizable, and literally dug out of the earth, it just doesn't seem smart to use them internally. Like the audio situation above, any relevant benefits would be attainable at other places on the body.

Love Your Lady Bits and Treat Them Right

In the end, we all love our bodies and want to treat them right. Or at least, that's the goal. If we're smart and careful about how we treat our bodies, our bodies are more likely to treat us in kind. A good rule of thumb is to remember that a retailer is not a doctor.

When it comes to which toys and chemicals can go safely on or in your body, doctors tend to know better than sellers.