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Erotic Spanking: 3 Thrilling Types to Try

Published: DECEMBER 12, 2023 | Updated: DECEMBER 12, 2023 05:48:47
Spankings can be used for much more than a little slap and tickle during hot sex.

A smack on your ass while you're getting down and dirty is hot, right? A little bit of teacher/naughty student role play is kinky and means you're sure to get a spanking.

But did you know there is so much more to spankings than the typical slap and tickle during sex? This might surprise you, but some people even find erotic spanking to be therapeutic. And yes, it's possible to enjoy, want, or need all types of spankings as part of a healthy relationship. Here we'll take a look at erotic spankings and three key types you may want to try.


Read: The Ultimate Guide to Impact Play

What is erotic spanking and why are people into it?

"Erotic spanking is consensual spanking between adults who are engaging in erotic exchanges of power," shares renowned sex educator Andy Duran.

He says this can be anything from a couple enjoying adding the sensation of impacting their partner's ass while engaging in other sexual acts, to creating your own context and BDSM scene of how the spankings happen and why they may deserve the "punishment" (or reward!).

Why People Like Being Spanked

Marla Renee Stewart, MA, sexologist and sexual strategist for Velvet Lips Sex Ed and Co-Founder of the Sex Down South Conference, says there are parts of our neural pathways where pain and pleasure overlap on the continuum. She says with regards to spanking, we can gauge this pain and pleasure continuum as we build up during the scene. "For instance, when we are warming up the booty for spanking, a good spanker will slowly draw blood to the booty's surface, so that there can be more pain tolerance. People constantly want to test their pain capacity, which is why we have sayings such as 'no pain, no gain,'" she says.

Read: Why Pain Makes Us Horny

Erotic spanking, then, is a type of pain that can give people access to more pleasure and more pathways of pleasure. Stewart says that spanking allows people to be present in their bodies. It also helps people to map their bodies in a way where they can understand more of who they are and how their bodies react to different spanking instruments.

"With that said, when you can map your pleasure, you can gauge which instruments will accelerate or decelerate the pain and what will accelerate or decelerate the pleasure. With the pain, we know that it causes the central nervous system to release endorphins, which helps to block more of the pain, and then also acts as an opiate to the system, which can put you in a state of euphoria."

Alexa Eason, a sensual sadist available in Philadelphia, New York City, and online, says there are two ways to look at spanking: from the point of the spanker and that of the spankee. "Some spankees are all about pain and subservience. It's about paying the price for their transgressions and getting what they deserve," she says. "Others are into spanking because they love humiliation and degradation. What's more humiliating than being ass up, exposed and vulnerable, draped over mommy's knee?"

Some people are into spanking because they love humiliation and degradation. What's more humiliating than being ass up, exposed and vulnerable, draped over mommy's knee?

Still, she notes that spanking is more of a somatic experience for others. It's an opportunity to slow down and focus on the feelings in their body and the things happening around them. "This can be deeply healing for many people who experience dissociation or those that are often running through life overwhelmed and overextended."

Why People Enjoy Spanking Their Partners

For spankers, Eason says, it can be about the joy of inflicting pain, the feeling of dominance and control over their submissive, or the process of delivering punishment. "I personally love the sadism of spanking and the way butts jiggle when they meet the force of my hand!"

Stewart says one of the main reasons why people engage in erotic spanking is because of the feeling that it reminds them of as children. If they received spankings as a child, she says, they may want to experience that feeling again. Even for those who didn't receive spankings as a child, Stewart says receiving a spanking can still be a way to connect and reflect on childhood experiences (and even trauma) in a consensual way.


"Reliving those experiences is so popular that there have even been spanking conferences that are solely dedicated to spanking people because of the spanks they received as a child," says Stewart. She says some may also get into erotic spanking because it can be a place to meet people. "There are a ton of spanking parties and conferences, and if you're interested in dating or being with someone who may experience their sexual play outside of the box, this is one of the ways that you can connect to people who are like you."

Read: Culture and Fetishes: What's the Connection?

How to Give an Erotic Spanking

When it comes to spanking, Duran says the person topping – or domming the scene/act – should be comfortable negotiating and communicating with their sub before, during and after the scene. "Ask what experience they have, what they want and don't want, and during, you can try asking 'on a scale of 1-10, how hard did that feel for you? Six? Great!' and use that information to determine how you want to adjust or spread out the scene as needed," he says.

On a scale of 1-10, how hard did that feel for you? Six? Great!

When working with beginners, Stewart teaches people to start by warming up the booty. "Doing little pats at a time while rubbing in a circular motion around the booty can not only feel good and help the person relax and get into their body, but it will also help build up the pain tolerance and increase the sexual energy and tension," she shares.

The second technique that Stewart thinks is great for beginners is where you aim. She says that giving beginners direction on hitting can help them find their rhythm. "So, I always tell beginners to aim for the place between the booty meat and the thigh meat (the underbutt) and use their hand to aim upward on that spot."

Doing little pats while rubbing in a circular motion around the booty can not only feel good and help the person relax and get into their body, but it will also help build up the pain tolerance and increase the sexual energy and tension.

Eason loves incorporating spanking into scenes because it's so versatile. In public, one of her greatest joys is to come up behind a submissive and give them a discreet but firm pat on the butt – just to assert her dominance.

"It's pretty standard that spanking serves as a punishment, but when spanking can be a reward, that is where I shine. I want my submissives to beg me to spank them, and I love to see the delight in their eyes when I acquiesce!" she says.

She points out that spanking doesn't have to be painful, and she doesn't have to dominate someone physically to maintain control. "Sensual spanking is more about the position of one's hand/tool and how they control the force of the impact," she says. "I've had multiple people tell me that when I spank them in this manner, they feel it more in their nether regions than anywhere else, and that's just what I like to hear."

I want my submissives to beg me to spank them, and I love to see the delight in their eyes when I acquiesce!

Spanking Tools for Getting Your Spank On

As for spanking tools, Stewart encourages people to start with cost-effective toys to see if you like them and if you can swing them. For instance, she highly suggests getting a small flogger, such as the Enchanted Flogger, to see how you like it. If you do, you can start to upgrade your tools from there.

Duran notes that various materials will impact differently, "Leather paddles are nice and simple, and you can even find ones that may have a soft, fuzzy side and a meaner leather side to offer variety," he says. "Heavier materials like wood and steel will bruise more and change the way the impact spreads across the area hit, some more stingy, some more thuddy."

Duran notes he is also a massive fan of being "hands-on" about spankings. "I think it's erotic and informative to share the impact (and receive the feedback from it) on my own hands while my person is receiving me on their body," he says.


3 Types of Erotic Spanking to Try

OK. Now that you know a little bit about spanking, let's take a look at some of the key types of erotic spanking out there.

Spanking as 'Funishment'

Is it really a punishment if you enjoy it? Nope. Instead, it's "funishment." You know, a punishment that's fun (or not really a punishment at all). Whether you're just a little kinky or you're a full-on brat submissive in a Dominance and submission (D/s) relationship, misbehaving specifically for a spanking only takes away some of the sting.

Funishment spankings seem to be the most "acceptable" form for many venturing into a bit of kink. The person who wants the spanking behaves "badly," perhaps by saying playfully rude things, forgetting to do what they're asked, sticking out their tongue, or whatever it takes to get a spanking. A bit of role play is involved, because one person pretends to be mad, and the other pretends to be upset about the spanking. At the end of it all, everyone's happy with the red ass.

Punishment Spankings

Spankings as actual punishment are more common in D/s or domestic discipline relationships. If a rule is broken, a task forgotten, the consequence is a sharp, painful and unpleasant spanking. Before you worry that a punishment spanking might come out of nowhere the first time you play around with kink, remember that all aspects of D/s and other types of power exchange relationships must be discussed and agreed upon. A submissive or bottom knows punishments are part of the package when they enter the relationship. If pain or spankings are a hard limit of yours, your dominant should respect that. For the rest of you? It could be fair game.

If pain or spankings are a hard limit of yours, your dominant should respect that.

Therapy Spankings

Sometimes referred to as maintenance spankings, spankings as therapy are used in D/s and other types of power exchange relationships (whether long-term or temporary arrangements) as a release for the submissive or bottom.

Whether it's the pain itself or the impact on the body and mind, many people who want and need these types of spankings find themselves in a better frame of mind or more able to handle their emotions once the spanking is over. A top or dominant will often give a spanking until they see tears or a safeword is used. There are no hard and fast rules about how long it can or should last.

As a criminal defense attorney, Joseph Gutheinz has represented individuals charged with Assault Causing Bodily Injury Family Violence, or even sexual assault, when one person spanks their significant other as part of a mutually agreed sexual liaison.

"Human interaction is a funny thing, and very quickly, what had been entered into as a consensual sexual encounter can quickly turn into something else – a crime," he says.

As a result, Gutheinz recommends following precautions when engaging in any type of impact play. "Although not very romantic, secure a videotaped consent to any liaison before you begin that carefully states the parameters of that encounter and what word must be said to halt that encounter. 'Stop' works.' Remember, a simple allegation accompanied by bruising can ruin a life."

Read: How to Make a BDSM Contract

And, of course, legal issues aside, taking care to ensure that your partner is 100% on-board with being spanked is just being a good partner and helps ensure they are protected from psychological harm - as well as any physical harm they have not consented to.


Please Spank Safely

When it comes to spanking and impact, Eason notes that it's imperative that less experienced dominants avoid directly hitting any joints or internal organs. For instance, she says, avoid the knees, elbows, neck, spine, ears, stomach, tailbone and kidneys.

Instead, Eason suggests sticking to areas that are well protected by muscle and fat, like the butt and thighs. Aside from that, she highly recommends using a safeword or the stoplight system (green means keep going; yellow means slow down; red means to stop immediately) and negotiating your scene beforehand.

"It may not seem sexy, but anticipation is the ultimate aphrodisiac," she says. Also, she advises people to be careful in choosing a dominant or top. "Kink and BDSM have become more trendy lately, and plenty of people can talk the talk, but they can't safely walk the walk," she says. "There's always risk in kink, but playing with someone who has no idea what they're doing can be really dangerous, both mentally and physically."

Read: 5 Ways to Spot a Good Dominant

Don't Forget the Aftercare

Whether a spanking is fun, punishment, or therapy, never forget aftercare.

"It's nice to find out what sensations the person likes after play, like a warm or cool towel over the area, and also any emotional needs like to be held and told they are safe," says Duran. Soothing lotion, a blanket, a sip of water, and a cuddle are suitable for everyone involved.

Tops and Dominants should check in and discuss how the submissive is feeling both physically and emotionally. If your spanking session leads to crazy, freaky, kinky, hot sex, the aftercare can wait until you're done, but always check in with your partner at some point. Spankings might cause redness, bruises and tenderness. You may love that part, but not everyone does, and a little tender, loving care might be needed later.

If you're curious about or enjoy the dynamics of spanking, consider exploring it further. Stewart recommends considering a local class on the subject. "It's a great way to practice and get some real insight on how you can be better at the craft," she suggests. Openly communicate with your partner about your interests and desired experiences. Each experience can vary, offering unexpected benefits for your personal enjoyment and relationship dynamics.

Photo for Ryn Pfeuffer
Ryn Pfeuffer

Ryn Pfeuffer is a versatile print and digital writer specializing in sex, lifestyle, and relationship topics. Over the past two decades, her work has appeared in more than 100 media outlets including Marie Claire, Playboy, Refinery29, The Globe and Mail, The Washington Post, WIRED, and Thrillist.

She adopted a pseudonym and was AVN’s (Adult Video Network) first female porn reviewer – while penning children’s books at the same time. More recently, she is the author of 101 Ways to Rock Online Dating (2019). She lives in Seattle with her rescue dog, Mimi. You can find her on Twitter @rynpfeuffer or IG @ryn_says